WE SHOULD STOP NOW

PART 26 - THANKSGIVING

CALEB

"You wanna top up?" Sammy says as he adds a heavy splash of vodka into his Bloody Mary before stirring it with his celery stick. I wordlessly push my empty glass over to him without hesitation before I look back at my laptop and frown. Fuck yes, I need more alcohol! Trying to fill in these visa applications and book flights is painful enough, I'll do anything to take the edge off.

Sammy nods at me as he throws in a large slosh of vodka and tops it up with a dash of tomato juice before he slumps back into his sun lounger and flicks his sunglasses back down from off his head to cover his eyes as he goes back to staring out of the window deep in thought.

It's Thanksgiving, but today I feel thankful for fucking nothing and by the looks of things my brother feels the same way. We're both fucking screw ups, we've both broken the hearts of women we love.

It's just after ten in the morning and Sammy and I are hiding from our mum's disapproval looks and snide comments in the Orangery at the back of the house. The Orangery is literally like a jungle, it's always set at a subtropical temperature because of the vast exotic plants and trees that live in this place. In a bid to cheer ourselves up, we've come down here to drink our breakfast cocktails in peace whilst watching the snowfall outside, because let's face it, we're not exactly the 'sit down to eat a Turkey dinner' type of family. Not like the Collins family who I've no doubt are all together in Laura's kitchen right now preparing today's meal...the meal we've been invited to every year since we moved into this place...until now.

My heart winces as I start to think about Joanie. Wondering what she's baking for today's meal, how we'd talked about doing something together like the Pumpkin Pie. At the time it seemed such a small thing, but now I'd do anything to stand with her baking away, laughing and joking together. Instead, I'm fucking here with my emotionally checked out brother and a mountain of forms to fill out to restart my life back in a country I don't want to go back to, with a woman I don't love and a baby i'd not planned for.

How the fuck did my life turn to shit so fast.

I watch Sammy as he flicks his phone over and scans it for messages for the hundredth time today, sighing as he discovers he's still not received any. With shoulders sagging, he does another sigh before knocking back his drink in one, then pours himself another. I know the feeling, I'm frozen out too and just like him, I deserve to be. Slamming closed my laptop with frustration, I grab my drink, toss out the celery stick and throw the whole drink down my throat before staring out of the huge glass window to watch the flurrying snowflakes fall to the ground.

Telling Joanie about Erin and the baby is without a doubt high up there on my list for all time worst moments of my life. I'd woken up early that morning from a text message from Erin who I'd earlier in the day unblocked. Usually I'd ignore anything from her, but as I was already awake I'd just figured to get the chat over with and put her in my past for good. So I crept out of bed planting a kiss on my perfect girl's forehead before heading to the living room and dialled Erins number. It took just one sentence from her to crush all my hopes and future with Joanie.

For the next two hours I tried everything to get Joanie to unlock the bathroom door and let me, but I knew I'd already lost her. I finally left her apartment when she begged me to leave as she sobbed her heart out. Later that day, Laura came around and asked me to stay away and give J some time and space. I know she doesn't hate me as she practically raised me like one of her own kids but fuck it was hard to hear how disappointed she is in me too.

I've now not seen Joanie for nearly a week and half and it's absolutely fucking killing me.

The thing thats driving me crazy is that i'm ALWAYS so fucking safe when it comes to sex. I've always bagged up. Ethan had that knocked into mine and Sammy's heads from a young age to practice safe sex and get tested regularly. Even when I've had one night stands totally drunk, I know I've used a condom, it's like muscle memory.