WE SHOULD STOP NOW

PART 30 - ERIN

CALEB

Apparently running helps you think, keeps you focused.  Apparently It releases endorphins which makes you feel better...or so my brother Ethan told me... he said running helped him keep his shit together when he and Mia split up just as he started college. 

So taking his advice, I'm up at 5.30am out running a circuit route around the outskirts of the village that I guess is now my home.

After nearly forty minutes, I bend over, with my hands on my knees to catch my breath.

Fuck it's hot already. 

When does these fucking endorphins kick in?

I stand up straight with my hands on my hips panting looking around as I'm at the top of the ravine where the view goes on for miles.  I used to love it here, but now...now it just feels empty.

Now I just feel alone.

Anger suddenly surges through me.

"This is fucking bullshit!" I scream at the top of my lungs and listen as it echo's away across the valley.

I slump down on the floor with my head in my hands and try to properly calm my breathing down this time before an anxiety attack takes over. I need to get my shit together, I've only been back here a few days and I feel like I'm drowning again like the day when the river banks burst.

"Caleb?" A baritone voice from behind me calls my name.

I snap my head up from my hands to see who it is and jump to my feet when I see that it's Coffie's father. I've not seen him since the day of the funeral after his wife slapped me across my face and demanded I leave.

Fuck.

"Mr Boateng." I respectfully say, wondering if he's come here to kick my ass. If he does, i'm just gonna stand here and fucking take it, every single fucking blow.

"You alright? You just scared my cows with your shouting. What are you doing out here?" He asks, looking at me with concern which surprises me.

I chew my lip for a minute looking at the ground to try and find the words, but nothing comes out. How can I tell him I'm pissed off with life and for being here to raise a baby with Erin when he buried his son just a few months ago. Rubbing my hand over my face, I try to think of something...anything to stop the silence...but Coffie's father breaks it first.

"I'm glad you're back. It gives me a chance to say thank you for trying to save my boy...and that...I'm sorry." Mr Boateng says seriously, but I shake my head with tears stinging at my eyes.

No, I don't want this.

I don't deserve this.

I'd rather he'd just fucking hit me than forgive me for letting his son down.

"The other boys you rescued, after you'd left, they told me how you kept going back in, again and again. They said they had to pull you out of the water before you passed out trying to find him in the end. You did more than most men would've done." Coffie's father says as he steps closer to me.

He pats me on the shoulder and I look up at him and nearly break when I see the kindness in his eyes. "You want to come say goodbye to him? I think he would like that."

I've yet to say anything, but i'm at a total loss for words and I'm a total fucking mess. I swipe away stray tears with the back of my arm, before giving Coffie's father a grateful nod. He nods back with an understanding smile on his face before giving me another pat on the back as we turn and head to Coffie's grave.