Daire and Aspen

Chapter 12: Daire

In the month since I'd told Aspen about the anger management counseling I'd been getting, she'd seemingly eased off her hatred toward me. She looked at me not with pity, but with compassion. But as my classes went on, a gnawing dread in my stomach told me I needed to do more, so I'd also begun working one-on-one with the counselor who facilitated my classes. Kaleb had been helping me understand what had driven me to make a lot of the stupid-ass decisions I'd made in the past, both in regards to Aspen and in general. 

"Rage can push us to do things we normally wouldn't do. And much of the time, what's driving our rage is actually fear. Fear of losing control or not having control is a big one, especially if your life is ruled by the need to be in control," Kaleb had said to me during one of our private sessions. "So we make choices that will help us feel like we're back in control, at least of one thing in our lives, and that rage-fueled decision may help temporarily, but it's just a band-aid."

"I've made a lot of those dumb fuck decisions," I admitted to him, and he nodded as if he knew exactly what I was talking about because he'd made dumb fuck decisions, too.

"Next time you feel like that, ask yourself what it is you're responding to, what is the underlying fear that is pushing you toward rage? Ground yourself first, like we've talked about, do your breathing to calm down, and then look at the rage trigger logically."

He and I discussed Aspen every session. He told me he was proud of me for telling her about our sessions, and -- not going to lie -- that choked me up because I realized no one had ever told me they were proud of me before. Simple words can mean a lot to someone who has never before experienced praise or approval.

When I told him that I'd threatened Aspen with taking Elly from her to get her to do what I wanted, he leaned forward, looked me in the eye and gave me some things to think about in his no-bullshit way. 

And I did. I thought about nothing else for two weeks, waging war within myself over doing what was right versus doing what I wanted. In the end, doing what was right won out, as much as it gutted me to think about. Kaleb helped me work through it until I was able to accept the next steps.

So it was that I found myself sitting on the couch one night next to Aspen, who was folding Elly's tiny clothes. I eased a large manila envelope onto her lap.

She stopped folding clothes and picked up the envelope.

"What's this?" she asked, her tone suspicious.

"Open it."

She opened the clasp on the envelope and pulled out two packets of papers. I waited as she took in the first packet, which showed her the house was in her name, free and clear.

"Daire, I don't -- this is too -- what is going on here?" Her eyes were confused, and she was frowning.

"The next pack is the important part," I told her, and she put it on top of the house papers.

This packet gave her sole physical custody of Elly. I'd had my lawyer draw up the papers that assigned sole custody to Aspen so I could never again threaten her with taking Elly away.

For a minute, she just stared at the words on the paper, then her eyes got teary and her face got red. She turned on me, angry and ready to spit nails.

"So you're done with her then, just like that? You're tired of playing daddy to Elly? You don't want her anymore?"

"What? Hell no, Aspen, that's not what this is at all!"

"That's sure as hell what it looks like, Daire! You just passed off your daughter to me, free and clear, with no discussion! And it can only mean that you don't want her! So why did you even bother finding us and dragging us back here if you were just going to jettison her off once you brought us back? I get you're not happy with me or my attitude, but that's your daughter and you're just giving her up? How could you do that to her? What kind of man does that?"