Daire and Aspen

Chapter 13: Daire

I'd just brought Elly back from my apartment so Aspen could get some time to herself for a few hours. Elly was out cold in her car seat and didn't even stir when Aspen opened the door and I carried my baby girl to her nursery. She only gave a soft little mewl when I shifted her into her crib. I put her on her back, but she immediately shifted to her tummy and the second her little bottom was in the air, she was out again.

It'd been two months since I'd moved out of the house. I'd come over every single day, often bringing dinner, hoping Aspen would let me stay, and she did. We'd spend evenings together, playing with Elly, talking, and lately, after putting Elly to bed for the night, Aspen had been asking me to watch movies with her on the couch. The last two nights, she'd been snuggled right up by my side. Never in my life had I spent time with a woman like this, just getting to know one another with no sex involved. The closest I'd ever come to this before was the months Aspen and I had been together, but even that time had been heavy on the sex. This was different; this felt like creating a bond, a family, and I fucking loved it.

I came out of Elly's room and smiled at Aspen, who was waiting in the hallway for me. 

"Little two and I played hard at the park on the swings and took a nice long walk in the fresh air. She loved all the dogs that came up to her in the stroller. Then I took her to the library for story time, we went back to my apartment for lunch and a diaper change, and she passed out in the car on the way here. She's out cold."

Her smile was distracted, and without saying anything, she turned and walked to the family room, sinking onto the couch. I followed after her and sat right next to her.

"Daire, I want to know about the year you were looking for me." Her voice was soft but determined.

OK, shit. Guess we were getting right to it, then. I was both relieved and scared as fuck about this talk. I sat down next to her and grabbed her hands in mine. In the back of my mind, maybe I was thinking she couldn't run away if I held them tightly enough.

"What do you want to know, little one?"

Her beautiful, fearful eyes met mine, afraid to hear what was coming. "Everything."

So I slowly walked her through the year, my rage when I realized she'd pulled a runner, my self-hatred for the things I'd said and done when she told me about her pregnancy, my overwhelming fear that she was out there without me, thinking the worst of me and rightfully so. I told her about yelling at Molly, then apologizing to her, feeling guilt over the way my rage was being taken out on people like Aspen and Molly who didn't deserve it.

That led to describing the ways I mobilized the MC to find her, hired investigators, only to be told she was off the grid and it was going to be next to impossible to find her and my growing fear, frustration and rage, my worry over what she was going through alone because I'd been an epic asshole to her when she needed me most, and how that fed my growing rage. 

"And what about Stephanie and the two other girls you were with in that year I was gone?"

Here it was. I blew out a deep breath, thinking about how Kaleb and I had been over and over this. "Aspen, you once made it sound like I'd been fucking women left and right while you were gone. But it wasn't like that. It was three fucks total in the year you were gone. And all three times, it was after I thought we'd finally found you only for it to turn out to be a dead end and you were still lost to me. It was drunk rage fucking, and that's it. I'm not telling you that as an excuse, I'm just telling you what it was. It was not feelings, it was not emotional, it was not anything other than a way to release my rage."

She looked away, but we had to get through this if we were to have any chance together.

"Little one, I did not have a relationship with any of those girls. I didn't even know the names of two of the girls and I didn't want to. I was angry, out of control and feeling more and more certain with each passing day that we were never going to find you. I was gutted and that rage led to three stupid fucking decisions that left me feeling worse than when I'd started. Do I wish I hadn't done it? Absolutely. Can I change what happened? No, I cannot, no matter how much I would like to. Can I change what happens in the future? You bet your sweet ass I'll never do that again. Never."

She was gripping my hands, still not looking at me, and I was beginning to feel desperate.

"Kaleb has been helping me understand why I turned to sex when I got angry and it was because I could control something when what I really wanted -- you -- was out of my control. I know it sounds like a lot of bullshit, but he and I have been talking about my response to the big events in my life before I even knew you -- my sister dying, my mom dying, my dad dying -- and I did the same thing each time then, too. When I felt out of control, frustrated, sad, hopeless, I turned to sex to help me feel more in control of my rage. Kaleb calls it unhealthy patterns of behavior and we've been talking a lot about how to turn them around  and learn to handle my feelings in a better, healthy way. With understanding, there's power -- power to live life differently and power to not repeat my mistakes."

She was chewing on her bottom lip so hard, I reached out and cupped her face, gently running my thumb over her mouth so she wouldn't bite through her lip.

"I wish I hadn't done what I did for a lot of reasons, but especially because it made you feel like it lessened what I felt for you and what I still feel for you. It was nothing more than an outlet for my rage -- Kaleb calls it unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with my feelings when they start to overwhelm me -- but I just call it yet another way I fucked up with you. The thing is, now I understand why I did it, and I won't be making that mistake again because I have positive ways to let the rage go. I've been working on good ways to release it that I wish I'd known then. But if you don't hear anything else today, Aspen, hear this: what I did in no way meant I felt any less for you and I'm sorry for what I did."

She looked up at me, and there was a lot going on in her eyes, but I couldn't tell what she was thinking. What I needed to say next scared me the most, but Kaleb told me I needed to be completely honest with Aspen when we had this talk, no holding back.

"You gotta know, Aspen, that you're it for me. I love you. I love you, and I'm sorry I don't have pretty words to make it sound nicer, but I've always thought hearing I love you even once would be the best damn thing in the world. So I just need you to understand that I love you. I love Elly. And I'll spend the rest of my life showing you that and guarding what we have like my life depends on it because it does. My life's only good because you and Elly are in it. There's no other woman I'd even cross the street for, much less spend a year searching for. Only you, Aspen."

She was quiet and I shut up so she could think about what I'd said. After a few minutes, she looked me right in the eye.

"If we got back together, how do I know you're not going to cheat on me the next time you get mad?"

"That's a fair question. But let me ask you this, little one. All those months we were together, did I ever step out on you?"

"I don't think you did," she said slowly, finally shaking her head. "No, I honestly don't believe you ever did."

"And you're right. I never did. I never stepped out on you. And I never will. Aspen, I had to move fucking mountains to find you, get you back here and try to win you back. I'd have to be some kind of stupid to put what I feel for you at risk again. And although I can be a dumbass, I'm not stupid. You're the person who makes everything make sense, Aspen. Watching you with our girl? That's the purest shit in the world that I've ever seen. It's fucking beautiful, and I want that in my life every day, twenty-four, seven. I will fight to the death to protect what we have if you take me back."

She sighed heavily. "I have a lot to think about, Daire."

"I know," I said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "And the bottom line is this: I know we're at the point where you either forgive me or we call it quits, because as much as I wish otherwise, there's not a damn thing I can do to change the past and all the ways I messed up. I can only tell you how sorry I am for everything I did and promise that I'm a different man now and moving forward. If you can forgive me, I swear to you that every single day, I'm going to work hard to be even better, so someday I might be a man worthy of you and Elly, someone you won't ever want to leave."

 I stood up, offering her my hand, and she took it and walked me to the door. I pressed a soft kiss to her lips, and then another one to her forehead, lingering there longer, breathing her in just in case this was the last time she allowed me this close.

"I'll leave you alone for a few days, give you time to think about what I've said. Give me a call when you're ready to talk, and I'll come over. Just know I love you, Aspen, and whatever you decide, nothing's going to change that."