The girl

new day new beginnings

Well I'm at school. Lol I'd don't really know how to start this off. I've kinda just been hangin around... I miss him. I mean I know I'll get to see him today but like I miss him. I haven't seen him since Friday.

I know I'm clingy.

I just can't stand being away from him. It's like a piece of me is gone when he's not with me.

I've created this bond with him. One that I can't seem to break but not that I would want to break it. It's just that if I ever had to let him go it would probably be the death of me.

You might think I'm overreacting but I'm serious. He's got me hooked and I love it. I just hope we don't fall apart. I don't think we will though and if things start going that way I'll fix it. I'll never let us fail. Unless he wants out.

But from the look of things I don't think he will. We have had our problems sure but what relationship doesn't?

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Well what a waste. I haven't written anything in my journal in a while. You guys haven't been caught up yet. I'm sure you'll find it Interesting cause who doesn't like to? I've been leaning on people way to much and I love the attention o get when I say nothing is wrong. They always ask if I'm okay and I play hard to get. I hate it. I make myself into someone I'm not and I can't help but do it because they won't like the real me. I don't think anyone knows the real me. I've always hid from everyone. Adapted to the environment around me just to people please. I need break. I just need to to take a day off so I can be myself. I never get to anymore.

I have to not let people worry. I have to hide it better but sometimes I can't go around being happy all the time. I know I'm going on a rant but my god I just need to get this shit out. I can't stand not saying anything to anyone. The weight was getting to heavy and I was about to collapse.

And I have got to just stop caring. I know how bad that sounds but like I need to stop. I've got to get over it. Sometimes when I hear people laughing I think they are laughing at me. Or when I'm walking around in the halls I can feel people staring at me. I feel like crying everytime. It's okay though cause I'm strong and nothing is ever wrong with me.

I can't seem to keep my tears to myself either. I have a crying problem. I cry everywhere and I hate it. I used to not do that. I was so strong and then one day my mom and step dad were fighting and I felt something snap. I cried so hard in front of everyone and didn't care. I was tired of all of it. I just wanted it to stop. Ever since I've been a huge crybaby. I think I was so mentally tired and my head doesn't want to go through that again. So I just cry. No matter how I hard I try not to I can't help it. The tears just flow down. And sometimes they never stop. I might aswell not even try anymore. There is no point.

I want to be strong for everyone but I get annoyed when they come to me. I try to help without any attitude but fail sometimes. I feel horrible right after but man it still bothers me. I tell them to come to me when something is wrong but then when they do I get upset. Who does that? It's so messed up and I know it. I can't help it but I do it anyways.

It's like I'm stuck in this weird time thing and I'm faking it all while trying to be strong. It's all turning into shit but who cares right? I hear the voice sometimes. It's my voice the one in my head. I can control it and make it say wha I want it to say. I make it say bad things. But it never stays that way. Nothing ever stays the same.

And I know everyone has there own problems and shit gets hard but it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't feel so much pressure at this age. My life in mostly normal until I make it not normal. I've realized I do this to myself. It's my fault and I know it. I don't know how to turn it off though. As I've said before I'm stuck. I'm trying hard to learn to live with it.

I'm not 100 percent sure what I should be doing but I know it's not this. I need to give it a rest. But I've been pushing and can't quite stop yet.

I don't know what else to say. I know I need help and I don't understand why. I guess I've never really understood why. I mean I know it's normal to not know but like damn why do I have to be one of the people who don't understand it at all?

Not only is all this going on but I found out I can see the demons I have. Or maybe I'm just seeing things. I have never seen one before but that doesn't mean it can't happen. It's so tall that it has to hunch over cause it won't fit in the room. Has white eyes and is very thin. I can't believe I can give a description of what it looks like when I barely saw it. It's got me thinking about a lot. Why am I able to see it now? I know I've had these demons for a while but I've never actually seen them. It's fucking crazy and I bet you no one would believe me. They'd probably look at me like I'm crazy or stupid but I guess then things won't change that much cause they already do. I just have to keep this to myself and keep my head down. Just keep yourself busy and you won't think about them....right?

I know how this might sounds and man I apologize to anyone who actually reads this. Just remember that I was once a kid with dreams and a pretty good life.