The girl

Why?

I'm lost. I don't know why he said thoughs things. I told him I was happy and that I hoped that feeling wouldn't go away. I even tried to make him feel better and yet I still ended up losing that feeling and wanting to end my life. It's fucking crazy. Talking about manipulation and how he could manipulate me. He said I could do it back. Why? How?

I might do that but not on purpose. I never plan on doing it. I just lose myself sometimes. I get lost and I try to keep up but I'm struggling and I need help. He said I would do something to him if he killed kade. Why would he ever say that to me? He knows more then anyone does and yet he says some stupid shit like that.

That could have easily broken me and not just that he just continued the conversation like nothing even happened. Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I keep asking myself why and I have yet to found an answer. I can't live without kade and with him knowing that he still says that.

This is not the first time it's happend either. It happened once before and I cried so fucking hard I thought I would stop breathing. Well I may be exaggerating a little bit but it did make me cry. I didn't want to talk to him for the rest of the weekend. I felt so horrible until I saw kade again.

I ended up forgetting about it but he brought it back. I just stopped. Like I was in shock or something. I stared for a minute. I didn't know if I was actually reading that. I did text him back though. I said I had a spot for when I was gonna kill myself.

It was at my grandfathers house/ trailer. He had a horse there and 2 dogs. It was nice there. We had some good and some bad memories there. I want to visit there before I die. I'm pretty sure my aunt died there.

Anyways that was my spot and if I ever needed to let go I would want to go there. I have no idea if anyone lives there now but I doubt it. It was an old house but I loved it. It was nice and I felt at peace.

I just need to find a way to get out sometimes. I didn't need him to say that and it really shook me up the first time. But not so much this time. I kinda just had to suck it up because we were gonna watch a movie with mom. I had to keep it up so she wouldn't see. He just brought back all that shit and now I'm stuck. I feel numb. Like nothing matters and I just want to cry. I can't take that shit.

I get the feeling he does that on purpose. Just to mess with my head. I can't stand it. I swear they are all out to get me. I bet it's because I turn everything around on me. I make everything about me and I don't even mean too either. I feel bad and I try to change it sometimes but it still doesn't matter cause they always ask what's wrong. Yet again I fall into that trap and I love the attention.

That's what makes me a horrible person. That's one of my toxic traits.

I can't seem to let go of that trait either.

I'm supposed to be asleep right now and I can't even do that because I'm writing. Well more like typing because it's harder to write then it is to type. I know how bad that sounds and trust me I don't do this very often. I do this when something pushes me over the edge. That doesn't happen alot but I also let things build up over a week and then I just collapse into myself on the weekends. It's like my room is a safe haven to do these things. I have to be on my own though or else I'll keep up my act. That's what the hard part is.

They all know and I know they know. That's scary cause they know what I do. What I still want to do. I just have to keep it together when they are around and I can cry myself to sleep. That's how it usually works but I guess it doesn't always work that way. They catch you cry and you end up lieing to them about it because you don't want them to worry. I never want anyone to worry because I soak up all the attention. It's like an addiction I can't get rid of and it's horrible. I know it is and I can't stop no matter how hard it try. I just need a little more time to try and get my life together before I end it.

I may end up ending my life before it even begins.

I just need a break but we all know how that goes. And it never happens either. The storm comes and doesn't leave for a while. Or it never really leaves at all and things just stay cloudy. It rains and it never stops.

I'm guessing nun of that makes sense but it doesn't have to for you because this is for me and not anyone else.

And yet I'm still gonna feel about that you all don't get it.

All this happened because he said something about killing kade. Killing kade could send me on a rampage and that would not be good for anyone. Cause after the storm I've created I'll end it along with my life. I don't doubt that either. I've basically been pushed around my whole life and I was tough I knew I could handle it but I broke and now I can't. I just...I struggle alot with that. I struggle with that way to much actually I struggle with a lot of things I shouldn't because I can't ask for help.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all jumbled up and I can't get it all out. I just feel tired. I would normally lie to people about that because I would be upset about something else which would have caused me to cut myself so I just said I was tired. I'm not complaining though it worked. They believed me and I was relieved about it. I was glad they didn't ask questions like they do know. Everytime something makes me sad so.eone is always asking me what's wrong and I never tell them the truth. The truth could break them and I'm not willing to do that.

I think k thats it for now I just feel empty at this point and I'm exhausted for crying. I'll say more later see ya.

Much love Xx