The girl

im trying

Well I'm not at home writing this anymore. I'm at school and it's currently 7:53 in the morning.

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night and when I woke up this morning I felt like shit. I wanted to go back to sleep. I know my brother did and I had to wake him up. Mom was mad. He said he went to sleep 30 minutes before she woke him up. Like so? I've done worse kid suck it up.

Being at school and feeling like this is never good. This is not my first time. I used to do this all the time last year but then again it is never about me.

Nobody has ever had to worry about me. I've always done what I was told and when things didn't go the way the were supposed to I just went with the flow. It made life a little easier for me. My brothers would always be in trouble so they were always busy getting on to them. I hated it at first because I wanted their attention but after a while I got over it and just let it be. I didn't care anymore.

My mom thinks I'm a mommy's girl and I'm not. We may like some of the same things but we aren't much alike. I've alway been like dad and I look like him too.

Well I found out kade isn't here today. Sometimes I actually wish he wasn't here when he is but I know I would absolutely crumble if he wasn't. Like today I'm gonna crumble. I'm gonna cry because I need him. He's my safe place and no matter how anxious I feel I know  I'll never want him to leave. I can't stand it. I know yesterday he said something about not coming but I didn't think he was serious. I guess he was...

I'll be okay though because he'll come back tomorrow. He said he wouldn't leave me and I trust him. So I guess I'll see him tomorrow.

I know I have nothing to worry about but sometimes I just can't help but worry. The possibilities of what could go wrong are endless and I'm not willing to let it go. I need to get to the bottom of things before they get out of hand. If things even slide a little from where they were before I would crumble to the floor and cry because I know I couldn't hold it together and I knew it would be a matter of time before it collapsed.

But I've come to realize that everything ends up collapsing no matter what you do to keep it together. I learned that the hard way. I think that's why I'm so scared. Because I know it doesn't last forever. But there is a way to rebuild what you've lost and start over. I would only be able to do that so many times before I just stopped. I feel like that would only end up being a loop that you've gotten yourself stuck in. Most of the time when that happens you have a hard time getting yourself out because as I said your stuck. You've gotten used to it and don't want it to stop because it's like an addiction you can't get rid of.

I would know...I have many.

And with that I just blew up on Connor. I'm pushing back and fucking hard. I think he's really done it this time. He kept pushing and I was already in a abd mood. I can't take it anymore. I give up and I'm letting myself push back. I'll cry about it later but I'm fucking done.

At the moment class is about to start and my leg is bouncing. I do that to calm my nerves but it never really works. I guess now it's just become a habit more then anything. I know I'm the morning when I'm just sitting in the gym my leg shakes and I don't even know it until a little after it happens. I try to control it but it never works.

Most people don't seem to care or they don't even notice but I'm not surprised. Nobody cares about anything unless it benefits them but I should know this by now and I still think things could possibly change. I know know how that sounds but I dont give a fuck anymore. I'm tired and I've given up.

Honestly I was trying. I was trying so hard and yet I still fail. I'm just trying...
I don't know what I'm trying to do but I'm trying...

I feel like a water droplet. And I'm about the hit the water. I just can't hold on.