My Only Girl

Chapter 29

A week later

Y/n POV

My body was wrapped round in pain as if a damp sheet is folded over a wire.The light of dawn seeped into my room.  There was a pearly glow in the sky.This morning I woke up, the same as everyday stretching my legs off my bed weakly and onto the floor, my arms raised up grazing the ceiling, as I let out a gloomy yawn.I rubbed my bleary eyes and walked to the window. The rising sun was casting a rosy hue across the morning sky. Golden fingers of sunlight lit up the scene. It didn't surprised me to know that as always, I woke up too early today as well. Something which is now an uneditable part of my daily recent life.
Slowly, I went to my bathroom to clean up myself and carry out my morning routine.

But, I let out a sudden yelp in horror, when I took in my state which was reflecting on the mirror infront of me.

I look....scary?!

But, this as well didn't surprised me the least, cuz in the light of the past few weeks, nothing surprises me anymore. I've embraced my life the way it is.

There are dark bags under my swollen pinkish eyes, with dried tears sticking to my pale cheeks. My nose is as red as ever, looking like a cherry perched on top of a rotten muffin. My hair is a greased mess, oily and sticky due to the lack of clean bath for over a week and now, I can't imagine how am I even going comb it...it sucks.

If I be straightforward, I'm not less but more looking like a Zombie.

I'm being like this since the very time I stepped in my flat after coming back from Daegu. I had completely lost it as soon as the lonely breeze of my flat, had hit my rustling body. I didn't had the slightest courage to go back to Taehyung's house to collect my leftover belongings from there. Instead, I opted to lock up myself alone in my flat for atleast a week, abandoning myself from the outside world. I feared of the fact that if I went out, then might be, I would've to face him....for which, I'm not ready yet. I'm grateful for almighty, that Taehyung didn't showed up at my doorstep.

But, I couldn't lie that my heart doesn't ache for him, that my eyes doesn't look for him in every corner of my house, that my mind doesn't hallucinate him, that I'm not dying to see him and throw myself in his secure arms.... because, every bit of my soul knows how much I'm dying and suffering in attempt to stay away from him....it's making me die yet again and again, everyday, every minute, every second...

For the last week, I couldn't think straight accept about him.... I've been doing nothing but just fretting and shedding my painful tears, sitting at the one corner of my bed or either of my room. Everytime when I decide, to not think about him, my heart decides to betray me and wanders off to him....like a free bird.

His memory feels like home to me.
So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds it’s way back to him.
I had someone once who made every day mean something.
And now…. I am lost….
And nothing means anything, anymore.

When you experience loss, people say you’ll move through the 5 stages of grief….
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance….. What they don’t tell you is that you’ll cycle through them all every day.

If you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurts too much to be anything else.Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?

I know it very well, I fell in love with someone whom I can't have....who can't simply be mine.

The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.