Heaven - ONC 2022 LONGLISTED - old version

chapter 17: it sometimes feels like forever

It was a quarter to one when the sun peeked out from behind a dark cloud and shone down on Sina.

The steps of Father Cal's house rested at arm's reach but Sina was sitting on the grass a couple of feet away. Next to him was his suitcase and backpack – his whole life was crammed into them but according to Sina it hadn't been much of a life.

He wanted to smoke but didn't want to toss the ashes onto Father Caleb's perfectly perfect green grass. Somehow that wouldn't feel right. To keep himself busy, Sina ran his knuckles over the grass and thought about something Al-Jay told him before he left the bakery. Never feel regret when it comes to love. Not who you love. Not how you love. Ain't no shame in something as wonderful as that, sugah. And remember, we're all deserving of it. Doesn't matter how much you think you're unlovable. Someone out there'll find something so perfect about you that it'll take their breath away.

"I ain't deserving, Al-Jay. I ain't even a person. The devil is my daddy and I have issues." Relaxing his hand, Sina opened his palm and patted the tips of the blades. "Summer leaves all too soon. It's that wicked stench of June that makes us think this season is eternal. I know better. It's all always gone too soon. Like love."

A tiny ant, having lost its way, scurried frantically up a blade of grass and onto Sina's finger. Noticing its panic, Sina furrowed his brows. "I could squish you and make my life easier." Instead, he looked around thinking he'd help the tiny thing. When he saw no traces of an anthill, Sina rose and began to search. "Motherfucker," he huffed at the confused ant, "take a map with you next time." Reaching the end of the yard, he saw a small mound peeping up. In perfect formation, the ants in the colony headed towards the woods and vanished under clusters of wildflowers. "That'll be nine bucks for the cab service," Sina said as he set the ant down. Watching it scurry off he chuckled. "No tip? Whatever."

The sun looked down at Sina and the house a few seconds longer before it crept back behind the security of a large puff of gray.

Sina drew in a breath and smelled the rain that had yet to be spilled. Wiping his hands on his jeans, he turned away from the ants and headed back to the house where he sat back down in the very same spot he had been sitting in before.

Bringing his knees to his chest, Sina wrapped his arms around them and rested his chin. He had just closed his eyes when he heard a clap of thunder and felt a shadow hovering over him, bringing a faint chill as it hovered.

"You're tempting fate."

Sina opened his eyes. When he saw Father Cal standing above him, he felt his heart flutter behind his ribs. "I'm a tease."

Caleb pointed to the sky which was rapidly getting darker. "It's going to rain in about a minute and you're sitting outside. I did say you were welcome to enter my house when you arrived."

Sina gave Caleb a faint shrug. "I know you did but I kinda don't like entering homes like that." Looking down at his feet he grunted. "You need to invite me in or I don't feel right."

"Ok." Father Cal raised his gaze to the sky. A flash of lightning shot across the horizon and was coupled with a deafening clap of thunder. "I'm inviting you in, Sina."

Sina didn't budge and Caleb could feel a storm coming. "Now? Before it begins to rain. Unless being wet is your thing." Extending his hand, Cal waited. "Are you going to get up?"

Looking at Caleb's hand, Sina tensed. "What?"

"People usually walk into a house. You're not going to crawl in, are you?"

"You mean like some spider?"

Holding his hand out still, Caleb wriggled his fingers.

Sina looked at Father Cal's waiting hand. He didn't know what he should do but for one foolish second, the thought of sliding his hand in the preacher's felt like everything he ever wanted in the world. "Naw. I'm alright." Pushing himself off the ground, Sina stood up and then grabbed his belongings. Though he ignored the hand with his eyes, in his mind the vision crept into a dark corner and rested there rather welcome by every emotion Sina had ever had which had caused him any sort of pain and any sort of good.

When Father Cal lowered his hand, Sina wasn't sure if the look which had crossed his face was pity or disappointment.

"Let's go inside before the rain comes, Sina. I never did like storms."

"You think there's a storm on its way?" Sina asked but did not look up at the sky.

"Something I've realized," Cal replied, "is that there's always some sort of storm ready to break out in Heaven."

"Yah. This place always has more rain than sun."

Caleb nodded and headed to the front door. "But it doesn't last forever." 

Hoisting his backpack over his shoulder, Sina nodded. "Just sometimes feels like forever." Taking hold of his suitcase, he followed the priest into the house.

words: 890