Heaven - ONC 2022 LONGLISTED - old version

chapter 21: mountains of hail

It took a long minute until Sina's words seeped into Caleb's brain and rushed towards his logic with a hammer. "No!" he said with such ferocity it made Sina skitter back towards the sofa like a spider.

"Holy shit, I didn't ask to murder you," Sina cried and held up his hands to ward off a potential punch.

Shaking his head, Caleb looked at Sina remorsefully. "N-no. I mean..." Falling to his knees, he halved the space between them. "I can't. It's..." Cal sat down heavily on his legs. He wanted to tell Sina that watching him would be a glorious sight. But he believed it was wrong to even consider it.

"Don't you want to?"

"I'm a priest," Father Cal said pitifully.

"Then take off your collar and don't be one for a moment." The sound of Sina closing the distance between them blended with the howling wind outside. "I know you invited me here because I needed a place to stay and you felt sorry for me." Inching even closer, Sina touched his cheek to Cal's shoulder. "I feel something." His words feathered against Caleb's ear. "And I usually feel nothing. Nothing but ache. But being here with you feels good. I'm not the sort that gets good yet every second with you is dynamite."

Caleb shivered. He hadn't been close to anyone in decades. Not like this. It felt wonderful. It felt better than that even. "You should not feel anything for me."

"Why not?"

"I'm not good enough for you," Caleb admitted.

Daring to inhale the spicy scent coming from Caleb's skin, Sina knew this was where he ought to be. "You're more than good enough." Cody and Cookie had always been there for him but Sina longed for affection and warmth – for this thing he was feeling now. He wanted to feel loved and deserving of it like Al-Jay had told him he was. "I've got a crush on you. Had it since I laid eyes on you outside the church. All I wanted was to see you again and now here I am and I feel like all I want is you."

There was something there. Caleb had felt it too. But it was everything people found wrong. People like Delores, and Ambrose, and Abraham. "Have you ever thought desire is a terrible thing to feel?" Cal asked as he reached up and timidly caressed Sina's long, dark hair.

Sina leaned into the touch and let his eyes close halfway. "All my life. Then someone I know kinda changed my mind. She told me we're all deserving of love and desire. That there ain't no shame."

"There shouldn't be," Cal curled a strand of dark hair around his finger then released it only to watch it unfurl gently.

"No. We don't get to choose who we love. We just love." Pulling back he asked, "I am being stupid?"

Caleb shook his head honestly. "Not even a little bit." He longed to stroke Sina's hair again. "I'm frightened to admit it."

Sina bit his lip momentarily. "If you feel something for me you don't have to say it. I understood it when you didn't push me away, and in the way you touched my hair."

"Wait, 'k?" The TV was where Sina crawled to after leaving behind the perfect perfectness of Caleb's closeness. Flicking the set on, he saw one of the channels was some kind of movie behind a veil of static but the other was MTV. The song playing on the music channel was slow and the lyrics were deep. It was not the usual type of music Sina danced to. It was more of a song you danced to with someone. Sina thought it was perfect.

Outside, the mid-day had turned into a mock-night. The storm clouds had hidden away the sun and cast gloom over the town. The only light in the house came from the TV.

Turning to face Caleb, Sina pointed to the armchair. "Sit."

Cal rose and walked to it.

"If your God strikes me down, it'll be worth it."

"No one is going to –" Cal's sentence was stolen away when Sina began to sway his hips and saunter closer, stopping only when his legs were a millimeter from Cal's.

It wasn't the first time he had danced intoxicated but it was the first time he didn't hate it. "Absolutely worth it." Sina's word ghosted along the room. As the melody wrapped itself around him, Sina straddled Cal's legs. Seeing him suck in a mouthful of air and tense, Sina smiled and took hold of the hem of his teal shirt. With every pulse of music, he inched the material higher and higher until a pale patch of skin was on show.

"What are you doing?" Caleb nearly choked on his words.

"Tell me you don't like it and I'll stop."

Cal's gaze trailed over porcelain skin. It moved from Sina's belly button to a gentle jut of hipbone.

"Say it. Tell me you want me to stop." Slowly Sina snaked his shirt up. He pulled it over his head and dropped it on the floor. He ground his hips against the music in a private dance of melody and storms.

"You should..," Caleb managed to say. His heart was trying to drill a home through his ribs. His mind was a blur. Sanity had long gone.

"Tell me to stop," Sina whispered leaning to Cal's ear. "Or I'll keep going until you're screaming my name."

Outside something crashed against the cluster of trees. Hail, as big as apples, plummeted to the ground sending little woodland animals into a frenzy.

Grabbing Sina's hips, Cal pulled him closer. The gin made him feel good but Sina made him feel divine. Like they were the only two people left on earth. At that moment there was no God. There was no need for faith. Redemption was merely a word and his congregation faded away.

As the hail ravished Heaven and created mountains of ice, Caleb found himself getting perfectly lost. "I'm a sinner," he whispered as he touched his lips to Sina's neck. "But I am also a man and this feels..." his breath hitched.

"Good?"

"I've never felt this good."

Sina slid down until he was sitting on Caleb's lap. "I can make you feel even better." He placed a hand on Cal's chest and moved it up. Yet the second the tips of his finger touched the collar, a sensation, like being burned ravished every inch of him. Crying out, Sina bolted off of Caleb. Cradling his hand, he felt like someone had kicked the breath right out of him. His face was a mask of utter anguish.

"Sina, what happened?"

"My hand. It hurts so much." There were tears in Sina's eyes.

"How did it happen? All you did was touch me."

There was no way Sina was going to admit that Cal's priest's collar had burned him. "It's OK," he said but the words that came out sounded like a wounded creature's. "I'm going to run some water under it."

Caleb rose and gently took hold of Sina's hand making him wince. "Do you want me to help?"

Slowly sliding Cal's fingers off, Sina shook his head. "It's no big deal," he lied, "really. Just give me a moment. I'll be fine." Before Caleb could ask any more questions, Sina rushed to the kitchen and headed for the sink.

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