Heaven - ONC 2022 LONGLISTED - old version

chapter 20: beautiful

I say then, have they stumbled that they should fall?  "My mind is in shambles." The images Sina planted in Cal's mind blossomed. They were covered in thorns that scratched against his sanity. For one brutal moment, he pondered what it would be like to drain Delores dry and leave her in the forest. But guilt over what he did to Mark came to him like a slap and sent his senses spinning.

Wriggling to the edge of the sofa, Sina reached his hand out to rest the very tips of his fingers on Father Caleb's arm. "Do you feel sick?"

Despite his anger over what he'd heard, Cal's head swayed pleasantly from the gin. It was a much-needed buzz to take away the bitter taste of the reality he had found in Heaven. "Yes. But not from the gin. I can handle my liquor."

Sina pondered letting his fingers linger a bit longer in the soft material of Father Caleb's trousers, but when Cal looked at him he balled them into his palm and pulled them away. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I told you all that stuff."

Cal clasped his empty glass with both hands. His fingers pressed against it angrily. "You haven't done anything wrong. Others have. I'm used to confessions but this..." He opened his mouth to continue his thought but the words remained sullen and safe on his tongue.

Noticing Father Caleb's upset, Sina slid onto the floor and crawled to him. "Hell is empty. All the devils are here." He took hold of the bottle and poured some gin into the priest's empty glass. "And most of them attend mass."

"Sina?" Cal's voice was an aggravated hush.

"Yah?"

"Perhaps she will confess one day and I can lead her onto the path of goodness."

"Seriously, Caleb? You don't know her or what she's capable of. Will a confession make the wrong she did right?"

"No," Cal whispered almost inaudibly.

"There aren't enough Hail Marys in the world for her to say for forgiveness."

In the silence between their words, Caleb listened to the storm growing fiercer as if it had come to destroy Heaven and everything in it. "Sina?"

"Yes."

"I'm usually very good with confessions."

"Yah, well maybe you've never heard something like this before."

"True." The confessions he had heard over the years couldn't compare. He had heard about lies, coveting another's husband or wife, money laundering. But never violence. He felt horrible but it was not solely because Delores and her husband had been cruel and had done the unspeakable when he, himself, had gone out and murdered a man. "Oh, God..." he uttered a painful lament of groans and brought one hand to his face.

"You're kinda worrying me." When Sina placed both hands flat on Father Cal's legs, he didn't care if it was wrong. The need to connect with Caleb was too strong to fight.

But Caleb didn't push him away. Silently, he moved his hand from his face and rested it upon Sina's.

"Caleb?" Sina's whisper was a phantom breaking the silence.

Father Caleb drew in a deep breath trying to calm his nerves. "Yes?"

"I'm a bit drunk. But..."

Cal looked at him curiously.

"Can I take your mind off this shit?"

"That would be welcome."

"I have a question though."

Cal nodded.

"You said I'm not ugly."

"I remember."

"What am I?"

"What do you mean?"

He felt his palms burn as if Caleb was radiating enough heat to light a fire. "Am I pretty?"

It wasn't simply the physical closeness that made Caleb unsure of how to act or what to say. It was the something more – a connection that had started at his soul and swiftly moved to his heart. He could have blamed the gin for the way his breath was coming out a bit quicker but he knew that was a lie. It was Sina. "I don't know if you should be asking me that."

"Why not?"

"I may be too honest."

Sina shrugged. "I'm used to it."

Caleb faltered.

"Well?"

"I don't know if pretty is the word I'd use."

Sina frowned. He moved a few feet away from Cal and looked to the window. "I get it."

"No, you don't." Reaching out, Cal wanted to touch Sina but he was too far. "Beautiful."

Sina turned. He lifted his gaze to meet Cal's.

"I think you are brutally beautiful and I should not be admitting it."

"Blame the gin?" Sina uttered as if he'd read Cal's mind.

"It would be a sin."

"So I'm beautiful enough to dance?"

"Beautiful enough to do anything," Cal replied softly.

"Do you want to see me dance?"

"I don't think going back to Purgatory would be –."

"No," Sina cut him off. "I don't mean in Purgatory. I mean here. Now."

words: 810