Pain in my ass!!!

Do I Tell Her?

Bucks Prov... I was in shock she came back here after everything that has in the last couple of days and when I mean after everything I am talking about how I got a call that very early in the morning about one of our own Station 1-1-8 family in the hospital because her boyfriend stabbed her over and over and then just left, that is the shittest thing in the world to do and as soon as they discovered that it was the boyfriend and he was missing it gave me flashbacks to what happened with my sister two years back. My sister got married very young to a guy she met her freshman year in college and ended up being married before they even finished their senior year, there married for 8 years, and according to my sister, 6 of those years were pure hell. I wish I had known about what my sister was going through and wish she could have told us we definitely would have helped, anyway long story short she ended up running away from him after several attempts to call the cops and get help. She came to Los Angeles and didn't tell anyone till I ran into her and she pretended I didn't see her until everything escalated and he had found her and almost tried to kill her as well. I can't take seeing another person get killed because she didn't know how to get help and feel like she had to do this all alone and since all that awful shit happened to my sister I had looked into all the resources they have around Los Angeles and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't get killed by this fucker who thinks beating on women is okay, so if I have to take her to a shelter or have her stay with me then I am okay with that because I am not letting her stay in the one place I know he will find her and also sitting seeing all the damage and the bad memories aren't good for her either and as much as we have been at each other I care about her a lot and I honestly don't know where this compassion and care for her came from but I feel like it started when I got that call and as soon as I heard it was about her I knew it was going to be bad but honestly at that time I didn't know it was going to be that bad and when I got to the hospital and heard how bad it was and that she might not make it I couldn't stop worrying and thinking what would happen if she died and how sad I would be if she wasn't here right now and so when the doctor came in and asked if she had any family and I said no and everyone looked at me in shock that I knew that but we had gotten in a fight back when we were in fire academy together and she called me a spoiled rich kid and said that my parents handed me everything she wasn't right but wasn't wrong and I was so mad she said that so I accused her of the same thing and she was so mad at me for that so she ended up yelling at me and telling me that if her parents died a while back from her mom and sister were killed and her dad isnt in the picture which immediately felt horrible for being such a dick to her, but that's how I knew that no one was going to come to help her so before I knew it I told the doctor I was her boyfriend so I could see her and make sure she was okay and praying and hoping she made it. When she came to my apartment after the incident I felt horrible for how I handled things and I knew I fucked up after I saw the way she looked at the girl I had there two days after I pretended to be her boyfriend and then ended up getting put in a holding cell because of that but little does she know after she left without telling me why she was there because she didn't want the random I had there to hear, I kicked her out something about being with a girl right after all of that felt wrong so I kicked her out and just sat there and thought about everything and wondered why I felt so weird and why I couldn't stop thinking about her and thought about going to Hen's house to find out why she wanted to talk to me but I didn't want it to end in another fight so I didn't and I still regret that. 

I don't know why my instinct was to be a dick to her from day one, I guess I just thought all girls like guys that are dicks and that maybe if I made that clear on day one that I was a dick she would just be used to it and we would end up sleeping together like all the other girls I had been with, it always worked with them. Not her though she was not having any of that shit she would fight back and not let me push her down and especially not let me break her spirit I guess she got enough of that at home that she wasn't going to put up with that from anyone else and honestly looking back on that I like that about her and I wish I wasn't so mean to and she truly felt like she could have told me what was going on, but the way I came out at her I can understand after all this I can see how she would think that I would be the kind of person who wouldn't believe her or think she being overly dramatic and generally just be an asshole to her so I can see both sides of this hate love friendship I guess I don't know if I can call this a friendship to be honest because this is the first time we have been in the same room where we aren't fighting and going at each others throats, I can tell she is still she is holding back from me back from me because she still thinks I am going to turn around and say something mean or tomorrow act like this never happened and pretty much ghost like I have done in the past and when I say past I mean a couple days ago when she showed up at my apartment and I wanted to pretend that I never acted to be her boyfriend and never sat in jail cell for a day and then immediately hooked up with a girl who she pretty much caught me with. That was my turning point I have to say I didn't like the way that went down and I don't like how that felt either, that was the first time that I sat and thought about my actions and what I was doing and the fact I decided to have sex with a random girl instead of checking on my coworker who was almost stabbed to death in her apartment by her boyfriend.

I still can't explain or understand why I was so worried to see her that I pretended to be her boyfriend, but that feeling of seeing her laying they not knowing if she was going to make it, made my body and to be very honest my heart feels weird. I remember just sitting by her and I held her hand silently hoping and praying that this was not the end for her because I knew how hard she worked for this job, I mean she was at the top of our class and when she got the job she did amazing and by the book and you could just tell she loved what she did, she was someone that loved helping other people no matter what she was self-less and I truly admire that about her even though I never told her and made her feel the opposite every day. I should have told her how amazing she was doing and that I loved working with her because I did she made everyone's job easier and whenever a job went sideways she was the first one to come to the rescue and get everyone out without even thinking twice, I have this feeling that her previous job or whatever she did before this was something that if shit went down your going to be the first one to jump in but I am not going to ask right now because of its none of my business. But I would truly love to get to know everything about her. Her past and her family and everything in between and especially how she falls for a man who thinks it's okay to beat the shit out of women and stabbed a woman almost to death and then just leave her lying on the floor on the brink of death, there so many other men out there that would treat someone that driven and strong and attractive, she could have been with literally anyone else but with fucking asshole who didn't appreciate this amazing woman. I hope that when or if she ever dates again she dates someone better or maybe considers a different option like me, wait fuck did I just say that? shit... Do I like her.......