Your Ivy Grows

Chapter 38

Is clock-watching considered a pastime? I've been doing it for the last three hours, so I think it should be. My eyes have been trained on the hands of the clock as I've sat and watched the minutes tick by.

After I spent most of my night tossing and turning, rather than sleeping, I'd finally given in and gotten up. Now I'm trying to figure out how early I can leave to go to Bar—Bucky's without seeming too eager.

That's another thing I've spent my morning doing; correcting Barnes to Bucky in my head. I'm attempting to get used to it, but it hasn't worked yet. The idea of calling him anything but Barnes still doesn't feel right. It's amusing that despite all we've done together, that's the one thing that still feels too intimate. Why that's become the one line I won't cross, I can't tell you.

My endless overthinking is exhausting, but I can't quit doing it. I've been feeling vulnerable since last night. Barn—Bucky had sent that text and I hadn't been able to stop myself sending a photo back. It seemed like a funny idea until I'd gotten no response. Now I can't stop myself from trying to read into his silence.

By ten in the morning, I can no longer take the waiting and decide it's late enough to head over to his apartment. On the way, I realise I'm more excited than nervous to see him. That's new.

My body aches as I walk, but in the most satisfying way. I can still feel him inside me, feel him in every place he touched me yesterday. It makes me think of all the ways we'll pass our time together once I reach him. And fine, I'll admit most of the images my mind conjures up involve both of us naked.

Today is the first time I've stood outside his apartment without a knot of unease in my stomach. His door is swinging open before I've even finished knocking. I'm met with a relaxed-looking Bucky, dressed down again in sweatpants and a tight fitted black shirt. He offers me one of his rare smiles; although can I still classify them as rare when he gives them to me so freely now?

"You came." He sounds genuinely surprised, like he wasn't expecting me to show. Can't really blame him, I'm pretty good at running away and avoiding him.

The relief in his voice is evidence of how much he wants me here. It gives me the courage I need to say what I do next.

"Not yet; I was kind of hoping you'd help me with that."

A quick look of surprise shows on his face, followed by a deep laugh. After that, the look he gives me is one that seems to say 'challenge accepted' as he reaches for my hand and drags me inside.

Immediately I'm backed up against the door, his hard body pressing into me. He leans in close, his mouth hovering over mine, not yet touching. He's waiting for me and I don't make him wait long. One hand fists in his shirt and I pull him the rest of the way until our lips are moving against each other.

His kiss is familiar and yet brand new. Every swipe of his tongue against mine wakes me up a little more, breathing life into me. I become pliant beneath him. Ours is a push and pull that makes sense to me in a way nothing else ever has.

This, I realise, is what it should feel like when you want someone; when you desire someone so much that everything else fades away to nothing. It should be as easy as fucking breathing. And it is. My god, it is.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life wishing I lived in a world where I met him first. Not a day will go by that I won't long for a future with him that cannot exist. But I have today; I have the here and now, and I will take full advantage of it.

When he moves his mouth away, I whimper at the loss and feel the way he smiles against my skin.

"I'm more than happy to help you with that." His hips push into me, letting me feel just how happy he'd be to help. "How exactly would you like me to do that?"