Your Ivy Grows

Chapter 30

A relaxing walk around the city, that's all this is. At least that's the lie I've been telling myself for the last twenty minutes. The temperature has dropped significantly in the last week and I'm regretting not grabbing a coat when I left the house. I thought my jeans and fitted sweater would keep me warm; I was wrong. But I push on regardless, trying to pretend it's a coincidence that this walk is leading me straight to his apartment building.

It's been five days since he left me alone in that alley and I've not heard from him since. Not one text or call. No communication whatsoever. And I hate that I've spent every single day repeatedly checking my phone in the hopes he would reach out. The silence has been deafening, and it's said more than words probably could. I fucked up. I fucked up enough that I'm not sure it's something I can fix or something he even wants me to.

His words hit their mark as intended. Thoughts of him with other women have consumed my every waking moment since he left me alone in that alley. And I have absolutely no right to care the way I do, but I can't help it—can't stop it. Image after image of Barnes and an endless stream of women take up space in my head that they shouldn't. He plagues my dreams, making me watch as he takes a faceless woman in the same passionate way he takes me. I wake each night in a cold sweat, holding back the bile that rises in my throat. He's wrecked me and I know the only way to fix it is to go see him.

Five days have felt more like fifty. Each one feeling longer than the last. And I haven't held out for five days because I was strong enough to resist caving in to the voice screaming at me to make things right—not even close. I've wanted to fix this since the night of the party, but I couldn't. After abandoning his jacket at a random table so John wouldn't ask questions, I had to go spend the rest of my evening at his side. It took five days for John to leave the house. He's been called away with Lemar; they took a plane out of the country and should be away for at least the next few days. I saw my chance, and I took it. He was out of the house for less than an hour before I made my escape.

The words I said to Barnes that night were born of anger and I wish I'd had the good sense to hold them back. I didn't have the strength to do that, not after John hurt me the way he did. Not after he took every shred of hope I had and tore it away from me in one night. The last thing I'd needed to deal with after that was Barnes being angry at me. What right did he have to be angry? Not when it was so fucking easy for him. He was risking nothing by being with me, and I was risking everything.

When I finally reach his door, I'm still trying to work up the courage to say what needs to be said. I give myself a moment in the dark hallway, eventually finding the nerve to reach up and knock on his door. And then I wait. I wait for what I'm sure is not even thirty seconds, but it feels like an eternity. My thoughts go to what he could be doing behind that door or, more accurately, who he could be doing. But when the door swings open, spilling light out into the hall, I'm relieved to find a fully clothed Barnes standing in the doorway.

His brow rises in surprise when he sees me, but he says nothing. My mouth doesn't open either. We're back to playing our favourite game—staring at each other until one of us caves and speaks. I'm trying to figure out what he's thinking, but other than his initial shock at finding me here, his face is expressionless. My chest tightens as I watch him, realising I may have made a mistake by coming here. He basically told me he was done with me and now I'm at his door. How pathetic. But he surprises me by opening the door wide, stepping aside and gesturing for me to come in.

Just like the last time I came here, I can't seem to bring myself to sit down. I eye the couch but choose to stand in the middle of the room, ready to make a hasty exit if needed. Barnes shuts his door, leaning against it and studying me. He's winning the waiting game, and he has every right to. I showed up here despite his words in the alley, the ones that made it clear this was over. He crosses his arms over his chest and continues to stare me down. I can't stand the silence any longer. The sooner I get this out, the sooner it's over.