The exchange

To be with or to be without

Thursday
11:55 am

I wish I could just snap out of it. I feel like a melodramatic, whiny little princess. I'm beyond pathetic.

I spent the whole car ride back home after school in complete silence. Lorenzo hasn't talked to me since I told him to wait for me in the car and I have no idea how to break the ice with him. And, even if I found a way to, would it really be fair to pretend nothing had ever happened? Jacobo, who reminded me with every glance he directed at me, was right: I couldn't just lead him on.

William was right, too: I had to decide.

A movement right in front of my face pulls me away from my thoughts. I notice I had been staring intently into a corner of the classroom, where now my Philosophy teacher, Mrs. Borj, is standing, scowling. When is she not?

"Miss Ramirez, I'm sure you must be philosophizing about Kant's message about war, but it would be much appreciated if you would pay attention to the lecture," she spits out. She's never liked me at all. The feeling is so very mutual.

My cheeks and the tip of my ears are set ablaze. I look down and nod, "Sorry." Ugh, I dislike her so much.

I do my very best to focus on her terribly plain PowerPoint presentation, but soon enough my brain blocks out the noise of her incessant talking, and my eyes refuse to recognize the Arial grey letters as anything other than an uninteresting blur.

Surely, Kant would understand that even though war is unfair, so is my love life. And, anyway, I much prefer the philosophical works of Nietzsche and Machiavelli. Much more entertaining.

Now, what would they say about this predicament? Well, Nietsche would likely be worried about my personal growth. Who would help me reach a better version of myself: Lorenzo, William, or the single life? Well, I was a really good version with Lorenzo, but the whole long-distance thing would make me feel limited and perhaps even lonely. As for William, he challenged me, but he also required too much emotional work. Plus, I had become a bit hyperfocused on him. As for being alone, I could definitely be able to focus on myself, but it could be kind of boring.

For some reason, I don't really feel like being single is an option. And, honestly, even though a part of me wants it, I couldn't go back to Lorenzo. I love him and I know that I will always love him and be grateful to him for how he marked me for life. But I don't really want to hang onto him, much less because now I considered him more as an idea of comfort than a real-life person. He has a whole new life to live, and so do I. Also, yes, my mom would kill me if she found out she had moved me to a whole new country only for me to get into the same relationship and keep going home for him.

Truly, William is the only choice I really want to be with right now. The butterflies in my stomach bloom with the very thought of him. I crave to kiss him so much that it is almost (very pathetically but sincerely) painful.

The thought clicks into place in my mind. Finally. Seriously, it took way too long to figure out. All the shame, reputations, and expectations had really been efficient obstacles.

I grin to myself and promptly use a hand to cover my expression when I realize how psychotic I could look to anyone who bothers to glance. Mrs. Borj, bothersome as ever, does.

She gives me a pointed look. Second warning. I look away, ashamed, ever the good girl.

Once again, I try to pay attention, desperately. But I'm too distracted; my mind is working at a million kilometers per hour. The thought of being with William, for real this time, makes butterflies swarm in my stomach and in my brain, battling to escape from my mouth.

I need to tell him.

But how? And what exactly will I tell him? What exactly do I want? What do I see our relationship being like going forward–what do I need to change? I have so much planning to do.