Through My Eyes

Chapter Twenty-Five

Another month passes. The snow melts, more falls and it is melted again. Buds begin to appear on the trees, the grass seems more green, the sun begins to venture out a little longer every night, the cold air shrinks away in fear of the warmth and longer shadows retreat into each other with the passing of days. Emmanuel buys me another horse. A stallion called Streak. He attempts to coax me into riding him, but I can barely make myself look at another horse. I cannot betray Chastity that way. I could never commit such adultery against her. Lady Elizabeth does not change her belittling demeanour towards me; it is my reaction to it, that changes. I do not serve her taunts with a response, I just stand there, letting her words drown into the well of similar phrases, locking it up after she is silent so that the frustration that is simmering down there never explodes.

To me, my silence is deafening. Emmanuel seems to prefer me this way. Broken, incomplete, invisible. Almost dead. He seems to enjoy the submission in my eyes whenever he demands something of me. A kiss or an embrace. He receives it all; everything but the consummation of our marriage. Even now, I cannot bring myself to allow him to touch me, to take the one thing that I now treasure with all my life.

Master Phillip had broken two days after I had been let out of the shed. He had begged and pleaded and apologised and told me that he had felt guilty, that he could not keep betraying his son, his own flesh and blood. He lied about me because he could not bear to think of his son discovering of his part in the story of Damon and I. He had pleaded for my forgiveness. I had merely walked away, too disgusted to meet his teary gaze. How could I forgive a man who had ruined my life? Who had brought my life to a standstill? Who had taken away everything I survived for? Tell me, how could I pardon the sins of such a man?

"Eloise, sweetheart." Emmanuel calls as he walks into his chambers.

I am sitting on the bed, my gaze fixed on my lap, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, thinking nothing. At the sound of his voice, I look up.

"Yes, Emmanuel?"

"I wish to discuss something with you, darling." Emmanuel states, striding over to the bed and sitting down. I tuck my legs under myself and wait patiently for him to continue.

"As you well know, we have been wedded for six months now. My mother is quite concerned about us. Rose has yet to conceive a child, she is experiencing difficulties. Mother wants us to grant her a grandchild, her first grandchild. She would prefer a boy, but we shall see. What do you say?"

I stare at Emmanuel silently, my heart throbbing in my chest, fears and memories of previous arguments haunting my thoughts, affecting my response.

I clear my throat and say, "Emmanuel, I am not ready. I do not want to conceive a child."

Emmanuel frowns at me and I shrink back ever so slightly.

"Eloise, how long are you going to continue to hide away from your duties? We must consummate our marriage. You have to stop taking me for a fool! Why are you treating this like a joke? Marriage is not marriage unless it is consummated!" Emmanuel says, raising his voice, jabbing at the air with a finger.

I swallow nervously. "I understand that, I do not treat this issue as a joke. I do not take you for a fool, either. You have to understand I am not ready. Emmanuel, in another four months, I will be turning eighteen. I will be a woman and my body will be capable enough to carry a child."

"I do not understand what you are trying to say." Emmanuel shakes his head in confusion.

I sigh in defeat, bowing my head so he cannot see the tears in my eyes.

"In four months, Emmanuel, the day I turn eighteen years of age, our marriage will be consummated."

Emmanuel beams with delight. "Really? In four months' time, it will happen?"