My Dynamite (frerard/funpoison)

Chapter 14

So basically, I'm fucked.

I'm completely, throughly fucked.

I'm in love with Poison.

Like, fully. I've fallen for them hard. They're all I can think about at this point. They're so present all the time, it makes my heart hurt.

And sure, my crush on them should be no surprise. It's always been around, after all.

But the past two months have really done it to me. I got to know them as a person, we became really good friends very quickly. Honestly, they're my best friend at this point. But that has also made my feelings worse. What used to be just a dumb crush that I was sure I'd get over quickly and on my own has gotten very fucking bad.

I want to die.

How am I supposed to cope with this shit? The normal solution is to go talk to Party. Confess maybe, see what happens. Who knows, they might even like me back. I could finally get together with them after years and years of thinking about what it could be like. Finally take a risk and get a good outcome. Kiss them and be the one who makes them feel happy and safe.

Pff, as if. I don't get that lucky. There's no way that would work. I'm going to stay single and one day they'll find the one they love more than and I'll be heartbroken. I'll go to their wedding and cry.

But it's fine, it's all fine. Yeah. Totally.

At least it's not a straight guy for once.

I sigh and bury my face in my pillow. This is bullshit. I want to disappear into nothingness, run away from all this feeling. I'm not ready for this. It wasn't supposed to end this way. It was supposed to be a little crush and admiration that I'd eventually get over.

But it's too late. I'm too far gone. I've fallen and I can't turn back time.

Tho, thinking about this- I wouldn't want to, anyway. The past two months have been the best of my entire life. Everything is so.. colorful now. It feels like I finally have a purpose.

But of course, I could wonderfully ruin it for myself. Great.

I want to cry.

"Fuckin' idiot..." I mumble, pulling the blanket over my head. I haven't left the bed all day and I'm not going to, either. Screw it, I'm staying here. This is my nice safe little cave where I can die inside peacefully. Fuck the world.

I do want to talk to Gerard about this, I really do. But.... there's no way. I'll just fuck it all up. They won't want to talk to me ever again and I'll be right back to square one. Except more heartbroken.

There's really no way out of this, is there?

I really want to cry.

I think I will.

I've cried a lot today.

I can't help it, the tears just start falling again and again on their own, like now. It's a flood that never stops. My pillow is wet, it hasn't had the time to dry properly. But I'm clutching onto it like my life depends on it.

The universe must be extra cruel to me today, since my phone starts ringing right at the moment when I break down completely.

Fucking who the fuck.. I look for it and find it next to my bed on the floor.

It's Jet.

"Hey man!" he sounds cheerful.

"Hi." I do not sound cheerful. "What is it?"

"Whoa, you ok?" his cheerful tone changes to concerned. "You don't sound so well."

"I just have a cold." I lie. There's no way I can tell him.