The Bad Jokes #1: The Redhead

Chapter 4: Fix It Yourself

The next day, I was walking past my neighbor's door on the way to mine when it opened and out came a tiny, older lady about my grandmother's age.

"You must be my new neighbor," she said with a sweet smile. She may have been short, but she was solid, her faded blue eyes friendly. I pegged her slight accent as German.

"Yes, I'm Rory Matthewson."

"I'm Heidi Popp," she said. "Welcome to your new home."

"Thank you! It's nice to meet you. I haven't met many neighbors yet. Have you lived here awhile?"

"About eight years," she told me.

"You like it here, then?"

"Oh, yes. The people are very friendly."

Let me just be upfront: long-term resident who could give me information about a certain maintenance man? Yes, please!

"Even the staff," I said, innocent and big-eyed. "The first day here I discovered a problem with my dishwasher and they had the maintenance man at my place the very first thing the next day."

"Oh, that Xane, he is such a nice boy," she said, nodding. 

Nice boy? I wondered how that term could ever be used in conjunction with Xane. There was nothing the least bit boyish about him; he was pure, undiluted, adult male. While I was still trying to wrap my head around boy, Heidi was continuing.

"He's always there to help me bring in my groceries. Never even lets me give him something for his troubles, either, unless I happen to have some cookies baked. Has a sweet tooth, that one. He is such a good boy." She dropped a little wink at me.

That term again! "Well, that's unusual nowadays," I said.

"I wish he could find a nice girl, but he just laughs at me when I mention different ladies. Just about every girl in the building has tried to ask him out, but he never gives them any attention." Her face went sour. "Except one."

Oh my god! He had a girlfriend?

"Oh, so he has a girlfriend?"

"Not a girlfriend. He goes into her condo for an hour sometimes at night. That's all."

This kept getting worse. Xane had a booty call in the building?

Her gnarly finger pointed to the door across from hers. "Watch out for that one," she shook her head.

"I'll be sure to," I said solemnly.

"Is this illegal? I think this is illegal," Justice said for the tenth time.

"Hand me the wrench," I muttered from beneath the bathroom sink.

Gracie handed over the tool. "Geez, Justice, when did you become your father? It's no big deal."

"This is vandalism," she protested.

"Almost got it," I said as I tugged on the pipe with the wrench. "Actually, I don't think it's vandalism if it's your own property. So we're golden here."

"What if he finds out what you did?" Justice asked.

Grace sighed. "He's not going to. This plan is foolproof."

I groaned. "Don't say that! The last time you said that, we got busted for liberating frogs from the biology lab in high school."

"That was not vandalism," Justice protested. "That was an act of mercy. They were all going to be dissected the next day."

"Well, we still ended up at the police station because of Grace," I grumbled. Yes, I could hold a grudge.

"You're still mad about that," Grace huffed at me. "How was I supposed to know that just the week before they'd put in silent alarms in the biology classrooms?"

"Well, the point is," I reminded her through gritted teeth, "when you say something is foolproof, things tend to go wrong."

"Fine," Grace said. "I'll just sit here and not say anything else. I'm just going to be quiet."

"That'd be a first," Justice muttered.

"Got it," I exclaimed after the pipe came loose. After inching out from beneath the sink, I held up the wrench in triumph. I applauded myself for having had the foresight to turn off the water. "I am now officially in need of maintenance."

I set the pipe and wrench carefully under the sink and called the office. When I hung up, I informed my cousins that Xane was scheduled for an afternoon visit.

"Let's go grab some lunch, then I'll have time to get ready."

"Get ready?" Justice looked at me with disbelieving eyes. "This isn't a date. It's a maintenance appointment.

My cousins dropped me off after lunch so I could primp while they went to run an errand. I couldn't talk them out of leaving me alone for the afternoon.

"Are you kidding? So far, you're zero for two with this guy and it's entertaining as hell. I'm not missing this for the world," Justice announced. I was really beginning to regret giving each of my cousins a key to my place.

"I just want to see her face turn red while she attempts to speak English as if she's an alien," Grace said. "That was the best last time."

They left and I wondered if I had time to get a locksmith to change the locks before they came back.

When they did return, they came in bickering, ignoring my he's here! signals.

"You don't even read the genre, so you don't know what you're talking about," Gracie said.

Justice agreed. "Of course I don't read romances because I have a brain in my head. But it's not rocket science, Gracie. It's just heaving manhoods --"

"See!" Gracie crowed. "That proves it! Manhoods don't heave, breasts do. Manhoods thrust, throb or jut."

"Are you kidding?" Justice asked. "Are there rules for this shit or what?"

Gracie rolled her eyes. "No, there aren't rules. You just know it."

"Could I interrupt for a minute?" I asked sweetly, with a certain tone in my voice they knew well. They called it my teacher voice.

"Excuse me," a deep male voice interrupted all of us. Instantly, three pairs of eyes focused on the man who was walking toward us. Xane had just come from my bedroom where he'd been fixing the pipe in the master bathroom. Killer was following behind, happily gamboling around his ankles like a young lamb.

Xane's broad shoulders filled the front hallway as he ignored my cousins and focused those cold grey eyes on me. "I found the problem."

"The problem?" I asked.

His eyes narrowed on me as I continued to stare at him. "The problem," he snapped, "with your leaking sink."

Knowing some response was required, but unable to think of one, I just nodded.

Xane held up a monkey wrench in front of my face. "Look familiar?"

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I could feel the heat rising in my face as he handed me the wrench.

"Next time you break something, I suggest two things. First, don't leave behind the evidence."

He headed for the door as Justice and Gracie jumped out of his way.

"And second, fix it yourself."

He closed the door behind him. Sharply.

We all stared at the door for a minute as if expecting it to reveal the secret of life.

"I honestly didn't think it could get any better," Justice murmured, trying not to laugh.

Gracie gave me a weak grin. "Look at it this way. At least we didn't end up at the police station with this plan?"

I was so calling a locksmith.