just for us | one-shots

After parties part 5

As tears were dropping from my face to the ground, I felt like screaming. I really wanted her, but I couldn't bring myself to let her in again. I don't think I'm strong enough to give her any space again it would hurt too much. And all for what? I wouldn't be able to maintain any relationship with her, there is no trust anymore, I've gotten used to not having her, to not trusting her, to hating her even.

"Is there anything you need that can make you change your mind? Because I'll do it! Just, please... Just consider it." She was crying with me at this point and almost out of habit I tried to dry her tears, I could feel her seamlessly leaning into my touch. It was so weird seeing her having any emotion towards me in that sense. My head is spinning trying to conciliate my feeling for her, my feelings for what happened, and whatever I was feeling seeing her be this vulnerable with me. Nothing made any sense anymore. Is this because she's drunk? Probably, she's just saying this because I look good in this dress, she was just now rubbing my ass, and that's it. She's just confused, we spent a month interacting, if she actually regretted anything, specially in the way she's saying she is, I mean, Isn't... "An... Say something, please" Her voice was a wake-up call, I was already spiraling. "Look" She took a small step back, held my hands looking me in the eyes, and took a deep breath. "I know it's been a long, long time, but I know you, I know you are spiraling right now and turning this into the worst possible scenario, but I can assure you none of that reflects what I'm feeling. Ask me! Tell me what you're thinking, let me show you what I'm really feeling."

"Nina..." She was right, though. I couldn't argue with that, and I had nothing to lose because I already don't have her, and I'm already all fucked up, so what's the worst that can happen? I can't get more fucked up than this. "I think you're drunk" I blatantly said. "And I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I just can't make sense of you breaking up with me in that way all those years ago, with no feelings in your eyes, with nothing inside you wanting to continue with me, and this emotional display of regret and will to 'give us a better moment than this'" I air quoted while sobbing. "How can those two Ninas exist? How do you expect me to feel about you-" I stopped to breathe a little, as I was spiraling so much that I started to have an anxiety crisis. I removed my hands from hers to put them on my chest, closing my eyes as the pain grew "

"Hey, An, look at me. Why don't we-" She tried to hold my hands again but I started to shake them to indicate for her not to touch me.

"No! Let me finish! How do you expect me to feel about you telling me that you regretted breaking up with me after years of me believing that I was NOTHING because even when I was trying my hardest, I wasn't enough to keep you? Or even make you feel something for me..." I looked at her desperately as she looked worried while still crying.

"I expect you to feel nothing, Sienna... Truly. I just want to know how you feel because this was a complete shot in the dark for me. I'm not saying this because I'm drunk, no amount of alcohol would make me say all this to you if it wasn't something that has been hurting me for years and bubbling inside me for this past month of seeing you every day. Ever since I bumped into Amana and she told me that you were here and I thought you had married her or something, the only thought in my head was you, all I could think about was how it made sense that you and she would get married instead of you and me, because she never screwd things up the way I did. She was there for you repeatedly after I wronged you in different ways and you deserve to be happy. I tried to convince myself that I was happy for you, that I was glad that what I did didn't stop you from finding happiness. But then I saw you at that party with Nate, and I saw you guys flirting in the parking lot a couple of times and I was so confused... I just..." She took a deep breath "I just couldn't get over you, An... I don't expect you to feel anything, I just would like you to know how I feel and maybe talk in a better place than a party restroom"