just for us | one-shots

After parties part 7

Amana was standing at the kitchen entrance, supporting her weight on one shoulder against the wall with her arms crossed. She looked at me with what seemed to be pitty and worry as I nervously poured myself a large glass of white wine while all dressed up for a sort of messed-up first date with Nina.

"Are you gonna say anything?" I asked with a shaky voice.

"Do you want me to?"

"Yes?"

"You know I worry about you, An" Calling me An was her way of showing me affection. 

"I know you do." 

"After everything that I saw you go through..." She took a deep breath. "An, you really weren't yourself. I mean, I don't wanna be the one to bring those kinds of things up, but do you remember your-"

"I do." I interrupted her, I don't want to remember that. "I do remember, Am. How could I forget?"

"Excactly"

"I just feel like I should give this a try, you know? I don't feel like I have something to lose."

"YOU DON'T? Sienna, what about your mental health? That is something very important that you can lose in this process"

"Yeah, what about it? You think I have any left?" Amana opened her mouth to catch some breath and start talking, but I continued. "No, really! Really think about this one. Look me in the eyes and tell me this: Have I been happy or at peace in some moment after she broke up with me? Have I found those things in order for me to lose them?

"No..." I could see it took everything in her to say that.

"I'm miserable, Am... She'-"

"She cannot be the person you depend on to make you happy again. She left once, she can leave again, she disapointed you countless times, she will definetely do that again. And then what? You're gonna go back to regulating your emotions with her? No! Please, no! You didn't go through years of that shit to just jump back on the ship THAT SINKED WITH YOU IN IT while she sailed away on her lifeboat."

"I'M NOT JUMPIN-" I did not want this conversation to become a fight, so I took a deep breath and regulated my tone. "Am, I don't feel like I'm just jumping back at it like nothing happened, I don't think I even have it in me to do that. I independently learned to not expect things, to not depend on anyone to regulate my emotions. I'm just open to see where this leads me. I'm too broken to expect something good out of things, I just would never forgive myself if I missed the chance to be something part of me still longs to be."

"You can't fix yourself in the same place that broke you."

"I'm not trying to. I'm trying to tell you that she made me want to be better, that's all I needed back then. Maybe that's all I need now."

"You know that's not how it works, right?"

"Am, I don't need her. I don't depend on her and I'm certainly bruised enough to not want to go back to that. All I meant when I said I was miserable was regarding my love life. I love my life and all I managed to accomplish. I love my job, I love that I moved here, I love you and having you in my life, honestly is what kept me going. I'm so, so, so greatful to you and for your concern, you know you're my family and that I listen to you everytime, but I need to see where this leads me, even if this just turns out to be a delayed closure, and I'm fine with that too."

"Can I ask something of you?"

"Always." I said and she switched the wheight from the door to both feet and uncrossed her arms putting them in her front pockets.

"You have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve with her. Please check if she's ready to love you better than you love yourself first this time. You've come a long way now, You've learned to love being yourself. You know how to treat yourself with the love, care and respect you deserve, don't accept less than that from her." I relaxed my shoulders that were tense from this conversation and smiled after what she said.