just for us | one-shots

After parties part 6

After a very long hot shower, I put on her clothes and met her in her living room as we agreed.  She had our sushi ready and waiting for us at the table. That's how long it took me to get out of the shower. She had also taken a shower but in a different bathroom. I was a little embarrassed for taking that long, but I couldn't come out sooner than I did.

It took me more time to put on her clothes than to take the actual shower. They smell so familiar, I started crying all over again as soon as the collar of the shirt brushed my nose as I was putting it on. It broke me because for the first time I had the dimension that all the things I loved about her, her smell being one of them, weren't reasons for joy anymore. Seeing how she left the clothes perfectly folded for me to wear, the smell of them... All those memories that once helped me go through endless nights away from her because they gave me such comfort, were now reasons for anxiety. They were all now a symbol of hurt and of the endless nights I've spent grieving what we were and what we could have been. 

I imagined our children learning from a very young age to keep things clean and organized, I imagined their heads to smell like her since she always used baby products because of her sensitive skin. I looked at her towel hanging there and remembered how I imagined she would always complain about how I left the towel uneven and on "the wrong side". All that wasn't a good wishful thought anymore, was a remembrance of the most painful grief I've ever been through. 

"Hey! Did you enjoy your shower? Do you need anything else?" She asked seeming to not be bothered by how long it took me.

"Hey! No, I'm good. Thank you for waiting and the clothes and for arranging the food." I said shyly.

"That's nothing! Tell me if you need anything else, okay? But now come to eat and drink the water." She said leading me to the table.

We sat there eating, drinking water, and talking amenities about work and the project we just delivered. But as we finished up and I helped her organize things, I could feel my stomach turning knowing we would have to talk more seriously now, because that's why I came. I couldn't help but notice a sense of familiarity in eating sushi late at night with her. It wasn't good or bad, it was just familiar.

"You didn't have the chance to tell me why you didn't tell me all those things before," I said as she was inviting me to sit on the couch with her.

"I wanted to, but after I asked you about Nate that first meeting and you were so cold to my approach, I just didn't feel like I had any space to say anything or even talk to you about anything other than work. And I was confused about your situation with Amana, Nate... It was just very clear to me that you had moved on and I was no longer welcomed in your life."

"I was angry at you for insinuating that I was dating in such a prying manner. Especially when I also saw you at that party and you were with someone else as well. It felt like you wanted to play with my feelings, I don't know. Prove that you could still make me fall for your games again, even though you rejected me. I felt uncomfortable. Was I rude to you? I apologize, I wanted to come off as assertive, but not rude."

"No, you were exactly that. I'm sorry about the way I said things, I got nervous and wanted to see if what you two had was serious. About the woman with me that day, we had been seeing each other for a couple of months at the time, but I ended things a few days after that party."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"I need you to tell me, we came here to talk"

"I saw you. That's more than enough reason for me. I saw you and seeing you kiss Nate made me feel things, and I didn't want to involve anyone else in what I was feeling for you from that moment on. I did that once with you and I didn't want to do that with her. I looked at her and I started to wish it was you."