Tsk. So toxic (Levi Ackerman X Reader)

Heads or tails

A week passed after your return from beyond Wall Maria. Your life felt like a never ending nightmare to you. Levi was... developing. He started to pay more attention to you, made less insults and was turning in some good version of himself. You, on the other hand, grew grimmer. The worst thing was that, unfortunately, you didn't feel like confining your troubles with Levi which drove both of you insane. He suspected that you cheated on him and you didn't think he'd be able to survive the truth. Apart from this nasty little thing, your relationships, all in all, seemed to be looking up.

That day you were hanging out at Levi's office, sitting on a windowsill with your legs crossed, yawning at the "Dangerous Liaisons" but mostly watching the passers by. You always enjoyed observing common people and, since Levi was quite busy with his paperwork, you didn't mind studying the outside from his window, which was as if made for this.

— Do you think she'd be proud? — Levi's out loud concern pulled you out of your observations and made you turn your head. He was looking at you but didn't seem to be present in the room. — My mum. Do you think she would be proud?

— Of what, love? — you smiled softly.

— Of me. Of what I've become.

You left you spot and slowly approached Levi's desk, covered with various papers and journals.

— Do you want me to tell you the truth or what you want to hear?

— Mmm, the last one.

— Yes. No doubt. I bet she's looking at you right now thinking: oh my little boy! So grownup, so handsome and strong. He got the best girlfriend ever!

— Yeah, that's right, — he scoffed, still eager to hear the real answer.

— What? — you laughed, glaring at him with suspect — Sure she knows how much effort you put in to help the humanity. How can she possibly not be proud? And I bet she's waiting for you in the sky. To hug you. To hold you in her arms. And to kiss you softly on your forehead and whisper how much she loves you.

You thought you spotted a few tears, forming in the corners of his eyes.

— I miss her every fucking minute of my life, — the captain croaked under his breath. Your heart contracted in halves, seeing him at this state, knowing you were the only person in the whole universe who he confessed to.

— I cannot even imagine how hard it is for you. At least, I can cherish a slight hope that my parents are still somewhere alive.

— That's not uncommon, you know, — Levi looked right through you, flipping through the pages of his memory, — Everybody here lost someone. Or even everyone. The survey corps gather people that have nothing else to lose and no one who'd miss them after they pointlessly die fighting for who knows what.

— I'll miss you if you die, — you pronounced quietly.

— Huh? — Levi woke up and focused his eyes on you. — I... don't think so.

You felt you had enough. That right there was the last drop. Yes, he did change these past few days but it was certainly insufficient to erase the pain he caused you since your very first encounter, on the seashore, when that tall woman named Elena threatened you with a gun and Levi interfered, saying he wouldn't waste bullets on such a dumbass like you. Yeah, you were done.

— Levi, for Christ sake! — you yelled at Levi, who got stunned a lot with your abrupt mood swing, — You're the love of my life! I could never even imagine that one day I would fall in love with someone that much. It hurts me, it freaking tears me apart when you don't get it! When you underestimate or deny my feelings. When you say they don't exist! Almost as if you're doing it on purpose. Like no strings attached, you know? Well, let me tell you something, captain. It's too late for that already. I got too many strings attached to you by now! Just stop, quit it! It's not fair. I love you, and you're always denying it... It fucking sucks, you know!

You hid your face in your palms, not daring to look at Levi. He, though, was silently staring at you, deciding between panicking for once in his life or remaining cool as usual.

— I... don't know what to say..., — he finally murmured.

— Really?! — you showed your angry eyes and stared back at Levi in honest disbelief. — Is that your official answer? I speak my heart out, lay it in front of you ready for you to smash it in pieces. And that's all you can come up with?! That you just don't know what the fuck to say?

— What do you want me to say? — he asked in a helpless manner.

— The truth! For once...

Levi frowned at your accusation.

— I never lied to you.

— Yeah, but you're lying to yourself! Every. Fucking. Day. Trying not to get too attached to people, aren't we? 'Cause they all have this annoying habit to die and leave you right the moment you start caring! Is that helpful? Is that the illusion you're willing to live your whole life in? Keep telling youself that, right! Levi, what if you die tomorrow? What if you don't get another chance? Oh, wait a minute! It's me who doesn't get one. 'Cause you have more chances to live a long and happy life than me. Alone with your numerous regrets, am I wrong? Of not telling people something important. Something they wanted to hear. Needed. Something you never dared to tell them. Not knowing them well enough. Not letting yourself to care just a little bit more, right? Because with time, visiting the graveyard becomes more and more heartbreaking for you, right? So, why the hell bothering to care about other people at all? Make them forget you. Hate you. Fear you. This way it's easier to hurt them, right? Easier to say farewell to their always silent gravestones, right?! And why bothering dragging me all the way then, Levi? Why not having a go with some cadet, huh? Soldiers have more chances to survive than civilians anyway. Right, Levi?! Isn't that what you told me? Then why me? Levi! Why me? Of all people... It's me who you aimed your stupid gun at!

— I'm sorry... — Levi remained stunned and speechless to the sight of your rage.

— For what?! — you snapped, wishing to get a bit more information out of him.

For everything. For everything that I am. For what I do and what I say. For how I look at you, for how I talk to you or to others. For my whole existence in this world that never wanted me and yet saved a shitty place for me in it. For disappearing when you need me. For not telling you enough about how I feel. For being scared all the time. For being anxious about all those other people. For being so insecure, so nervous. For me hating myself. For doubting myself every fucking second. For not loving you the way you want me to. For being such a burden. For being a pathetic coward when it comes to you. For you having to put up with me. For everything, really...

— Nothing. It's... nothing. Sorry I said it, — Levi closed his eyes, not able to bear your fierce, demanding look any longer.

— Levi, tell me, — you addressed him in a suddenly calm voice, which made him glare back at you, — Do you love me?

Silence was the only answer you received. You couldn't stand it. You slammed both of your palms on his desk and cried:

— Please, tell me... I need to know! Levi, please!

— I'm so sorry, (Y/N)..., — those were the only words he could say.

— You're sorry? — you puzzled. — I see... I guess... I'll see you around then.

You shook your head as if trying to shake the feeling of devastation with this simple movement. When it didn't help, you grabbed your book and headed to the door. Levi watched you with a painful expression on his face. You stopped at the door and asked him a question without looking:

— Tell me one last thing: heads or tails?

— What the...?

— Just pick one! — you were boiling up again.

— Tails, — Levi said in a tired voice.

— Okay, bye then.

And the door closed behind you, leaving Levi motionless in his work chair, unable to fully process what happened between you two.

Tears. So many tears. They'll get on the collar. Come back... Stop it, Levi! Pull your shit together! Ah, so many emotions. So many feelings! How am I supposed to know what I feel? I feel pain. All the time. That's fucking it...She didn't really leave, right? Why would you let her go? Why, you stupid piece of shit?! Don't go... No, not you too! Is it really over now? Don't leave me... (Y/N), please, come back...