A Song Just For You (GirlxGirl)

30-Is This My Fault?

"You coming out tonight?" Suka was wearing green pants with a white oversized t-shirt and an oversized black jacket, "To the bar."

    "Yes," I walked out of my room, wearing jeans and a black hoodie. It has been a month since I was asked to play with the orchestra, I practiced with the conductor five days a week either after class or work.

    "You all ready?" Chiko stood outside of the door way of our apartment, "Oh Mika, I heard you have been practicing with the Tokyo Symphony Orchestra, how's that going?"

    We headed towards the bar, "I been practicing basically everyday outside of music class" I smiled, "I get to play with them in the spring."

    He put his arm around me, "You're really going places huh?" I laughed as we entered the bar, not many people where there, only a few of the regulars and the bartender who usually worked when we went. The night went on, I had one too many drinks- as usual. But in my defensive I had not been able to drink for almost two months, before I knew it, winter was already here. The snow was falling and the days were colder. Nani and I tried keeping in contact everyday, but some days were harder than others.

    "So you're really going to be a pianist huh?" Suka sat across from me, "That's pretty impressive" She smiled at me as I looked into her sad eyes, "I graduate soon you know?"

    She has been different ever since that night, ever since the night she tried to kiss me- ever since the night she told me that she liked me, the night she told me to forget all about. I was drinking a surprise cocktail,

    "You're going to stay in Tokyo?"

    She painfully smiled, "I'm a painter, you know?" She took a shot of the sake she was drinking, "I think I'm going move back to Hiroshima, where my family lives. They own a small cafe out there."

    "What about your art?"

    "I'll be painting more too, I think I want a more calming and peaceful setting, something more slow pace than here."

    I was shocked to hear this coming from her, but I guess I never really asked, I been seeing Suka less than I normally would. Our schedules did not align very well, I was at work, school, or practice, when she was home and I was home when she was at school or work. Even when we were home together, it felt like she has been putting some sort of distance between us. I wanted to reach out, but I did not want me to be the reason she was hurting, the reason she was trying to further herself from me, because I could not like her back.

    I woke up lying on my bed back in the apartment, the last thing I remember was talking about what Suka was going to be doing after she graduated, then having a few drinks after that.

    "Suka?" I noticed she was standing up from my bed side, I grabbed her hand before she walked away, "Stay here" She looked back at me and sat next to me on my bed. I looked over at her while I was lying down, "Is everything okay?"

    She looked down at me and smiled, "Of course."

    "Why have you been so distant?"

    I could see her smile slowly disappear from her face, "I think we have both just been busy lately."

    "Suka, I don't feel weird about the night you tried to kiss me" I saw her eyes widen, "I don't want it to be weird between us because of that"

    "It's not" She sat there in silence for a little, "I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you when we first met at the university back when you were in high school. I should have just given up the moment I knew you were in love with someone else, but for some reason I still had a little hope that one day I would have a chance. This isn't your fault, it's mine for believing that I could be more than a friend to you."

    How could I respond to that, what was I going to say. I sat up from the bed still feeling the alcohol. Her mascara was smudged from her rubbing her eyes and her hair was messy from early that night.

    She was looking at her hands as I was looking at her, "I want to remain your friend, I want to see you happy and not hurting because of this, because of me" She looked up at me, "I know you'll find someone who will give you all the love that you deserve. I'm sorry that someone can't be me."

    For some reason it hurt to say these words to her, probably because it was true. I wanted her to be happy, to find her calling in life like I have. To meet someone who will love her with all of their heart, like I have. And I felt sorry that that someone could not have been me like she wanted, but I already found my person, the only one I will love for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have been where I was today if it were not because of them. I want Suka to feel the same way about someone one day.