Overcast | ✓

Entropy

WARNING!

This story includes talk of sensitive topics, such as depression and other mental disorders, bullying, homophobia and homophobic slurs, talk of suicide and self-harm, violence, and r-rated language. Read with caution!

***

There are two things that I consider to be absolute truths. The first is that no matter who I meet or who I befriend, I will always love my brother more than anyone else in the entire world. Elio is the kindest person alive. He is unapologetically witty and more intelligent than I could ever be. If I were to lose him, my life itself may fizzle into nothingness. The second absolute truth is that my existence is indubitably unnecessary. There is nothing about me that is particularly interesting. I am not like my brother, or my friends, or anyone else I know. I am immensely boring in every possible way.

My name is Sunny Davidson, and I was once a happy kid. Though I can't remember it, I know for a fact that I was once happy because my parents have told me so. They are decidedly honest people; So honest, in fact, that directly after reminding me of a childhood I cannot recall, they told me how much they wished I was still 7 years old.

"Your name doesn't fit you anymore," my father had said with a laugh.

"The irony adds to it," I replied.

He was right. My name hasn't fit me for years. I am not happy or optimistic or sunny anymore. My days are spent asleep, for the most part. I still go to school like every other kid, but I am never grateful to be there. If I'm not asleep or at school, I will be found sitting in bed, watching films with a self-produced storm cloud, buzzing sleepily above me. This is me- once bright, now inarguably dull.

Although I am aware of my flaws, I have never made an effort to change, because I enjoy wallowing in this storm cloud. My existence has been inessential for years now, and today, as I sit in the school auditorium along rows of other students dressed just like me, it feels blatantly obvious; I am going to die someday, and nobody will remember me.

"Sunny," says the girl beside me. "You okay?" This was my best friend- second to only Elio- Maeve Carney. Her hair is done up in two small buns today, a violent pink looping around her face. She smiles at me and crosses one leg over the other.

"Fine," I reply plainly and adjust my eyes to the room. Students have swarmed inside at this point and, if it weren't for the bright yellow raincoat, I wouldn't have been able to spot Elio out of the crowd.

He enters with the rest of his sophomore class and removes his jacket as he sits, chatting with a boy to his left. I keep one eye on him to make sure the conversation between the two was friendly but remain engaged in a conversation of my own with Maeve, who excitedly talks about her weekend.

"I was planning on going out, but it started raining. So, I sat inside for four days straight. I mean, isn't that ridiculous? My parents were worried that I'd crash my car if I drove in the rain. God, they treat me like I'm a baby."

"Didn't you nearly crash your car last month?"

"Nearly! Nobody got hurt," she takes a breath before following my eyes to look at Elio, too. "Sunny, relax. He'll be fine."

I glance over at Maeve who, remarkably, was able to guess exactly what was on my mind. "You don't know that."

"I do. Nothing is going to happen to him."

I deflate a bit in my chair but decide, silently, that Maeve is right. Worrying about my brother won't fix a single thing. It won't fix the fact that he had an episode last semester and today was his first day back after months. Nothing could be done. I was left to observe from afar as he continued to live a life separate from me.