Heartbreaker

10 things I like about you

I like how you look at things differently, without being arrogant.

I like the way you talk to me, I feel special just being in your presence.

I like your crooked smile when you look at me ,with your puppy eyes, you legitimately look like a golden retriever sometimes.

I like your way of always finding a reason to make me laugh without hurting my feelings.

I like how you tease me as if we have known each other forever.

I like that you always pay attention to everyone around you and you constantly want to build everyone up.

I like how you always explain yourself and every feeling or thought you ever had.

I like that you care about me.

I like the feeling I have when I am with you.

I like you.

published on 23rd of April,2022, school magazine "The Paper"

"Why did they put that in there!" I groaned in frustration. "This is so obvious." Cathy dangled her legs off the school wall and licked yogurt from the corner of her mouth. "We've talked this through: it's been important to you to find a way to express your feelings without drawing attention to yourself. Now you've done it! That's a wonderful thing! More people should be as brave as you and reveal their feelings." "You mean have their feelings printed on paper in a magazine so the whole world and school can read how I compare my crush to a golden retriever?? God why didn't I cut that line." Cathy stretched her face toward the sun. "Because then you would have only named nine things? And he does look a bit like a Golden Retriever. Must be his shiny hair." She giggled. "Please take me seriously. Cathy I think I'm having a panic attack. What if he reads this! He'll know right away that I wrote about him!" Cathy turned to me. "Jamie, no one will because it's anonymous. Even if Kit reads it, which I don't think he will since the magazine has had really horrible issues the last few months, he'll never connect the writing to you." She looked at me insistently."I hope your right." 

"So apparently you are not the only one that's talked about.", Kit says. He asked me out. Well not technically as hanging out on a date but hanging out at his house. We were still sitting in the classroom, just the two of us, packing up our stuff. I couldn't even concentrate on anything he said, I was blown away. Am I really going home to Kit Nelson? Did he have a single bed or a double bed? Maybe rather a loft bed? I wondered what kinds of stuff he had in his room. I'm sure there are rugby balls lying around everywhere. How will his mother react when she sees me? Surely there were no girl visitors at his house lately. "Jamie are you still listening to me?" I startled out of my thoughts. "Oh God yes. What do you mean I wouldn't be the only one being talked about anymore? Who's talking about you?" I stuffed my books into my bag and tied my sneaker. "It feels like everyone is talking about me right now! Someone started a crazy rumor about me. Apparently someone is writing me love lyrics." I laughed out loud. "Love lyrics? Who?" He shook his head in embarrassment. "I have no idea. It's super weird. Harry said there was something published in the "Paper" this morning, something with my face resembling a golden retriever..." If I would have had something in my mouth, I would have spit it out in horror. "Harry said what?" "Yeah! And he's not just messing with me, apparently everyone has read it but me." He looked at me with a contrite expression on his face. "And apparently you're really the only one who doesn't find that funny. I really should get some new friends. I've been teased in the worst way all morning." Oh no. What have I done.

"It's really nice to meet you." Kit's mom seemed super friendly towards me, not a bit surprised that I showed up. "Likewise Jamie. I've got some pizza if you're hungry." "I think we'll head out for now. With Nellie.", Kit replied, shoulders hunched and hands in his pockets. He looked so cute standing there, emphatically masculine. Was he afraid I would see him as a little boy in front of his mother? He didn't appear to me like that at all. And those upper arms... "All right. You could show Jamie your room first, because it's supposed to rain now." He looked at me and I shrugged. " "Let's go!" We walked up the stairs and I looked at Kit's childhood photos on the walls. "There's no way my mom wants to take those down." He seemed a little embarrassed, but he stopped to let me look at the pictures more closely. "Very cute," I grinned, intentionally teasing him. He pinched my side, took my hand and pulled me into his room so I wouldn't linger on the stairs. Butterflies did somersaults in my stomach. His room was flooded with light, blue wall paint and some rugby trophies standing on a shelf. He had his hands in his pockets again and was rocking back and forth, unsure of what to say next. "This is my room." "Obviously." I grinned again, tossed my bag on the floor and threw myself on his bed. Star stickers glowed on the ceiling above. "Do they glow at night as well?" He nodded. "I've had those for ages." I looked at the stickers for a while, lost in thought. "I have ones like that stuck above my bed, too." He looked around indecisively. "Why are you standing there like that? Sit down!", I commanded, giggling. "Are you nervous because I'm here?" He ran his hand through his hair, which in Kit Nelson's body language meant a resounding yes. "It's fine. You wanna do homework first?" He nodded, smiling at me and pointing at his messy desk. "Sorry for leaving such a mess around, you probably won't be able to work there." I smiled again. Why is he so freaking cute? Always kind and thoughtful, god I've never met a boy that was like that. "It's fine, really don't worry. I'll just...put all of my stuff on the floor." "I'll get us hot cocoa. I'll be back in a minute." As he left I wandered around his room, looking at everything without touching his things. As he came back I had already started. He carefully set my steaming cup of cocoa down beside me and joined me on the floor, deliberately quiet so as not to disturb me. I couldn't stop thinking about how close he was to me. After a while I noticed that he was not working, but staring thoughtfully into space. "Are you okay?" He winced and looked over at me. "Yeah." Sighing, he put his notebook aside, flopped down on his back, and stared at the ceiling. "I just have a lot on my mind." "Anything you feel like sharing with me?" I now put my books aside too and sat down so I could look down at him without being too close. "At the party..." Inwardly, my guts tightened. "Yes?" "I didn't tell you that." My hands became sweaty. "I told Charlie that I fell in love with him. Before we joined Harry and the others. We didn't have time to go into it because then I joined in on this stupid game."  My heart sank and I felt myself tear up. Did he have no memory of what happened between him and I? I tried to pull myself together, he wasn't looking at me anyway. "And do you think you'll still talk about it, I mean how he feels about you?" "I don't know." He sat up abruptly, picked up his notebook and put it back in his pocket. "I can't concentrate on math right now. Shall we go for a walk?" "Sure." He looked outside and hesitated. "But it might actually rain." I laughed. "I'll survive that. Fresh air will do me good, and I've really had enough of school for today." 

As we walked down the stairs I officially decided to bury my feelings for him for good. If all he wanted was friendship, that was the second best thing I could think of, because Kit Nelson had already become an important person in my life. I could do that, just be friends. Couldn't I? The main thing was that I was allowed to be near him.

"Just throw it! She'll get the ball!" I squealed as he thrust the wet, cold ball into my hand. "I know Nellie will get the ball, I'm just afraid I'll accidentally throw it at her!" When I finally threw the slippery rubber ball it awkwardly fell into the grass after two yards. Kit burst out laughing. "What kind of throw was that?" "Don't stress me out!" "How's Nellie supposed to get it if you throw it like that?" "Nobody said I was good at it, okay? Throwing isn't my thing." I put the ball into his hand and he threw it far away. Nellie, Kits Border Collie, ran off to get it with full enthusiasm and we watched her disappear into the bushes.  "Good one.", he praised himself. "That's the real rugby king talking," I teased him. "These arms need the workout baby," he grinned. "Oh, keep dreaming," I replied, ignoring the tugging in my stomach area. "I think we should go, maybe let's get Nellie and get out of here." I looked up at the clouds, which were gathering suspiciously. "It looks like it's going to rain." He put his head back and stuck out his tongue. I had to laugh, even though it was totally stupid. "I really felt drops!" he shouted in surprise. In that moment, we could hear a loud rumble of thunder and a cloud dropped entire downpours on our heads. I couldn't help but cry out in shock. "Oh my God, Kit!" Reflexively, I reached for his hand but he just started laughing. "Jamie, are we running?" My hair and clothes were soaked within minutes. "We're running, we're running," I stammered, but he was already pulling me along with him as Nellie ran alongside with the ball in her mouth.

"I'm so sorry you'll have to go home like that." He looked down at me, I stood there, wet and dripping from head to toe. My sneakers squeaked with every step. I was afraid to walk across the carpeted hallway because I felt like a walking puddle. "It's not bad," I replied in a shaky voice. "You can't go home like this, I ..." I looked at him questioningly. "Then what's my alternative?", I thought there was none. He reached into his closet and pulled out a hoodie. "At least a warm, dry top." I nodded, my heart racing as I touched the fluffy fabric and tried not to think about how it smelled. "I can give you some sweatpants, they're easier to put on." He reached for socks and even shoes, and I gratefully accepted everything. I was so cold that I didn't care. When I came out of the bathroom, we looked at each other in the mirror and started laughing. "You look like me, only in female." "Your clothes really do suit me more than they suit you." I teased him. Which was an exaggeration, of course, because his vans were so big I felt like I was wearing clown shoes. Kit could barely suppress his laughter as I stumbled several times to get down the stairs. "I got you." He led me down and I blushed. "Thank you for coming over." We awkwardly stood in the hallway, not sure what to say next. "Thanks for inviting me. I'll better go, I'll see you tomorrow Kit. Wearing my own clothes probably." He grinned. "Maybe I'll be borrowing a dress from you pretty soon." I grinned back at him. "That sounds like a good idea. I'll think of a few cute outfits I could lend you." "Wonderful." Somehow neither one of us wanted to leave. "I..." He looked down on his feet. "Yeah." "I should go." "Totally I'll see you tomorrow then." I opened the front door and looked back at him again. "See you tomorrow Jamie." I just smiled and walked down the street feeling light as a feather.