Defense Against The Dark Arts

We Eat Cake, Speak To A Toad, And Watch An Elf Tickle A Pear

30th April 2022

The muse came back! I actually wrote quite a bit for this, instead of just using one of my pre written chapters. (I don't know if you already know this, but I have a few pre written chapters so if I don't get round to writing that month, I can still update). Still waiting for anyone to request a character, plot part of idea! Or even just a lesson that Percy and Nico could teach! Also, I'm trying to come up with a name for the defence group - it isn't going to be Dumbledore's Army this time, so if anyone has any ideas, please tell me!

We did not, in fact, explore the castle in fifteen minutes, as we very quickly decided that we would need a lot longer, especially if we needed to be back in time to teach the next class, so we instead decided on lesson planning up until around easter. (It was decided that we would focus on skills up until then, but getting more and more difficult. Next we will be focusing on aim and throwing, teaching them a technique used for throwing knives, which they would probably end up doing after easter. We were also going to do some lessons on parkour and balance, with some gymnastics thrown in.)

After a lesson with the third year Hufflepuffs and the third year Gryffindors, which went slightly worse than the lesson previously, having something to do with the skeleton by the door and one of the kids fainting. It was not that funny at the time, no matter how much the class had laughed. I had shut them up by asking them where I had got the skeleton from, and making it obvious that it was most definitely a threat. Percy thinks I shouldn't make it a habit of threatening the students with death. They all seemed to like the juggling lesson though.

"Hey Neeks, we go to the place where we had breakfast for lunch right?" Percy asks, as we leave the classroom.

"I guess. Dunno how we're going to get to it though. It might have been this way?" I say uncertainty, nodding my head to the left.

Percy shrugs. "Yeah, okay, I suppose we could always try to find the kitchens instead if we get completely lost"

We head off down one of the corridors, trying to ignore the twittering of the portraits. I suppose we could ask one of them, but they don't seem like they would be that helpful.

Ten minutes into our lunch break, I sigh. "I don't think we are any closer to eating, Perce. In fact, I think it's safe to say we're lost."

Percy purses his lips. "Why don't you try shadow travelling?"

"What, and terrify all of the kids in school, and get fired at the same time?" I scoff drily, with no bite to it.

"Hey, what about that picture? It has food on it?" Percy offers, pointing to a painting of a fruit bowl.

"Pictures of food aren't exactly the same as-" I start to say, before getting interrupted by a monstrous sound.

"Hem hem."

I raise one of my eyebrows at the pink figure tottering towards us.

"Students wandering this far down below the school? Isn't it lunch time, hmm?" She croons as soon as she gets close, her overly-sweet voice creating the overall sound of nails on a blackboard.

I look at Percy in confusion, and also in disgust. "We're professors, Umbridge." I say shortly.

Her frog-like mouth stretches into a wide smile. "Gosh, I'm sorry! Having trouble finding the Great Hall? Well, I won't bother you any longer then!" She toddles past, ignoring me and Percy's bemused faces staring after her.

"Well, she has a very sweet personality, doesn't she," I snort once she has gone round a corner. "Like, extremely sweet. Too sweet. Actually disgusting, and I hope I never see her again," I add on, after she's out of earshot, and not just waiting round the corner for us to do something she could get us sacked for.

"We are going to have to put up with her for the rest of the year. Unless we can find a way to get rid of her before then, then we are going to be stuck in hell."

We both sigh at the same time, something that would have been hilarious, if I hadn't heard another sigh at the same time coming from behind me. I spin round, a knife already in my hand, and knees slightly bent. There's a floating figure leaning against the wall, hovering a few centimetres off the ground, and wearing a jester's hat.

"Aww, ickle angel and jacky! Plotting a professors murder? And hardly a day into the term? What would Dumbles say?" It screeches, the sound unnecessarily loud.

"Hey Neeks, what the hell is that?" Asks Percy from beside me, his voice weirdly calm.

"Um," I say, because I'm fairly sure it's some kind of ghost, but I can't feel or sense it, which I usually can, and also its clothes are hideously in 15th century style, which usually I could handle fine, if it weren't for them being an awful clash of yellow and purple, something that isn't even historically accurate because purple in the 15th century was only worn by royalty, and yet a monster (because what else could it possibly be with that colour clash), is wearing that colour.

"You don't know what Peeves is? You don't know little old me? I must have lost my touch!" It giggles.

"Um." I say again, not really directed at anything or anyone.

"There must be some Mythomagic card about this thing!" Percy exclaims, "In all five hundred cards!"

"Five hundred and ten, eleven if you count Santa Claus, who was released as a Christmas special, which I don't count as one, as he has nothing to do with myths." I correct absentmindedly.

"Exactly!"

"But of course, Peevesies is a naughty, naughty ghost!" It smirks again.

I'm beginning to doubt my sanity. "I think it's a poltergeist. There isn't much else it can be."

"Can you control it?" Percy asks, his expression getting more bewildered at all the cartwheels Peeves is doing now.

I shake my head. "It's not actually dead, it's more like a ball of energy that exists purely to be a nuisance."

Peeves' serenade of the Hogwarts song is thankfully interrupted by a quiet squeaky voice coming from behind us. "Excuse me sirs, but you's are blocking the entrance to the kitchen."

We spin around to find a weird elfish creature around half my height nervously wringing its hands. Peeves's shoulders droop, and he zooms off around the corner, obviously off to torment another person.

"Blippy is so sorry for startling youses," It starts to say. Me and Percy glance at each other, then slide to the side in silence. Blippy's face brightens, and it stumbles forward, reaching up on its toes to tickle the pear in the painting of the bowl of fruit. I'm honestly not sure why I am surprised at the painting swinging open, and the elf walking inside, as it's not even the weirdest thing I've seen this week. Heck it probably isn't even in the top ten.

Percy peers in the room after it, and turns to grin at me. "Neeks, we've found the kitchens!"

I almost start to jump up and down on the spot in happiness, but I manage to regain my composure, and follow Percy into the kitchens. We are instantly bombarded with happy little squeals and places of food.

We finally manage to get out of the kitchens twenty minutes later, grasping bags full of cake.

"Well that was an... experience" I say, as we find our way back to the classroom.

Percy shrugs and nods. "At least we have cake. If we get lost, we won't starve."

There's a few more moments of walking in silence, until I mutter, "Screw this," and shadow travel us to our bedroom.

Percy winks from beneath me, as I had missed the space by the desk, and we had both landed on the bed. "Aww, if you wanted this, you should have asked earlier."

I gently smack him. "No you dolt. Class started ten minutes ago."

He pouts, and rolls over, so I'm beneath him, and he peaks me on the lips. "Urgh fine. But we're finishing this later."

Yup, sorry that's how explicit this will get :)
Word count: 1297
Song: House of the Rising Sun, by the Animals