Defense Against The Dark Arts

The Dreaded Staff Meeting

30th November 2023

There's a tawny owl pecking at the stack of books when we return to our room one Thursday evening and the puddle beneath the open window suggests the owl somehow opened the window and then carelessly forgot to close it. There's a letter beside it with beak marks on and when it sees us, it nudges it toward us with a talon.

"Who thought owls would be the best way to message people?" Percy mutters as he picks up the letter, waving the water away. "What if it rains? Or the bird gets distracted by a mouse?"

"I would like to think the owls are trained," I say, and then the bird starts squawking and flapping in Percy's direction, which kills that theory.

"They probably are. This is a certain goddess's fault." Percy sighs and manages to shoo the owl out the window. Whilst he is busy removing the owl from our room, I open the letter.

"God's. It's bad, Percy," I say. Numbly, I hand over the paper.

"No one's- no one's hurt, are they?"

"Worse."

He reads it, and soon my expression of horror matches his own.

"A fucking staff meeting?"

The meeting happens the next evening in an empty room near Dumbledoor’s office. Me and Percy reluctantly enter, and despite dragging out the walk to the room to delay the inevitable, we aren’t even late - in fact, it seems that every other member of staff dreads this as much as we do, judging by the lack of people that have turned up so far. It’s a large room, with a round table in the middle, of which Dumbledore and Snape are already sitting at, speaking in harsh hushed whispers. No one else is sitting yet, but rather standing around the edges of the room, engaged in small talk.

Flitwick offers us a plate of biscuits, which we gratefully take. “These meetings are usually very informal,” He says cheerfully. “It’s just to discuss various issues, really. Often it descends into arguments about Quidditch though.”

“Really,” Umbridge sniffs, having just entered. “I would have thought the staff at Hogwarts would be more organised and responsible.”

Whilst Flitwick stutters over this, from across the room, I can hear McGonagall mutter “Who invited her?” To Sprout. I disguise my laughter as a cough.

Eventually, Dumbledoor claps his hands, and everyone takes that as a cue to sit down. I sit next to Percy, with Sprout on my other side to avoid sitting near Umbridge.

It starts with meaningless small talk, conversations about homework and the lack of parchment that get nowhere and seem to be memorised by all of the staff, but then Umbridge brings up the painting in the Great Hall, and suddenly these apparently memorised discussions get left behind as everyone raises their voices to speak on the topic of the graffiti.

“We need to do something about it,” Dumbledore says gravely. “Cover it, paint over it - we don’t want the fact that there is unrest in our school getting out.”

“Why not?” Someone says into the silence that is left after Dumbledore’s opinion.

“This school has been run this way for centuries, it doesn’t - and shouldn’t need to change,”  Aurora Sinstra, the Astronomy teacher protests.

“I sense an unavoidable change is going to be bestowed upon us,” Trelawny says to her biscuit.

“Is that a bad thing?” Percy asks. “Everything has to change to improve.”

“You’re saying our school needs to improve? You, someone who only joined us a month or so ago?”  Snape drawls.

“Uh. Yeah actually,” Percy begins. “First off, why is there a curse on a teaching position? How does that help anyone learn? Also why do the students only have physical education for one year? How come-”

“Well since you two seem to know so much about this school, why don’t you lecture us on how it should be run?” Someone snaps.

I narrow my eyes then grin. “Ok. Try reinstating the healing class, which I think used to be one of the NEWT options. For a school, you have a dangerous amount of injuries, and only one person to look after students. Also, whatever safety measure that was on the moving staircases wore off a couple centuries ago, maybe work on that too. There is a room on the fourth floor that has an ever-burning fire inside, and according to The Many Secrets Of Hogwarts, there isn’t even a lock on the door. There is the body of a basilisk under the school which any necromancer could reanimate and-”

Umbridge cuts me off there. “Necromancy is illegal,” She says with a satisfied smirk.

I stare at her. “Right. Because that’s going to stop any ambitious necromancer.”

“Albus!” McGonagall frowns, “You said the Room of Everlasting Fire had a number of security measures on!”

“And the stairs,” Pomfrey cries, “I had three students come to me last year with broken arms from slipping off!”

“Only three?” Snape mutters, “How disappointing.”

Dumbledore’s skin has turned a strange pale shade. “This will all be sorted by the end of the week, I assure you. But the Healing class - we are struggling for staff already.” 

“So we’re taking suggestions from teenagers now?” Snape snaps. “How about we let the students come to these meetings too? Create a suggestion box? Let everyone do what they like all day?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Sprout hums. “The suggestion box.”

Snape scowls.

“Hey, I know we’re young for this but we have experience,” Percy glares at Snape. “And maybe if this school wasn’t so-”

I elbow him before he continues talking. There’s a fine line between constructive criticism and  insults, and we’re already treading it like a tightrope as it is.

Flitwick puts his head in his hands. “Sometimes working at this school feels like fighting on the losing side of a war.”

“Trust me,” Percy says, “As someone who’s experienced both, I prefer the fighting.”

“I don’t think he was talking about playground spats, Jackson,” Snape drawls.

“I didn’t think he was.”

There’s an awkward silence, in which everyone’s gazes shift between Percy and me. “I wasn’t aware the First Wizarding War affected America,” Sprout says carefully, “And besides, you would have been too young-”

“I wasn’t talking about your war,” Percy interrupts her softly. “Any other questions on my experience in battle? No? Good.” He continues on, ignoring any sounds of protests whilst I glare them into silence. “I think you should leave the painting up. It sends an important message that everyone needs to hear.”

“I knew you were behind it!” Umbridge blazed, “There has been chaos in this school since the painting appeared, and I demand that you take it down!”

I roll my eyes, “We didn’t paint it. Besides, from what I’ve heard, Hogwarts wouldn’t work without a bit of chaos.”

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkle at this. “Yes, Hogwarts does have a certain… quality,” He says over my mutters of I didn’t mean it as a compliment. “If that’s all we were going to speak about, I suppose the meeting is finished.”

“Fantastic,” Percy says, and we’re out of the door before Umbridge can protest.

Song: Maleficent by Halocene
Word count: 1190