Defense Against The Dark Arts

Oh Gods, He's A Karen

31st August 2023

After being reminded about our lack of pay for the second time in a week, me and Percy decide to see how much longer Dumbledore was going to wait for us to make the first move. On Saturday, with the help of one of the elves in the kitchen, we walk up to the stone gargoyle, which hopefully will lead us to Dumbledore's office. I awkwardly try knocking on one of the gargoyle's boney knees, but all it does is twitch. I think it might be laughing.

"You need a password," A nearby portrait advises. He has a fancy blue hat with matching eyeliner.

"Thanks," I reply, "Which is...?"

The portrait doesn't elaborate, and instead walks out of the frame. We give each other a look of despair and decide to just wait for someone to come past.

An hour later finds us still sitting on the floor, opposite the gargoyle, me absentmindedly spinning a wisp of shadow around my fingers, and Percy playing catch with riptide in pen shape.

Eventually, the blue hat man comes back and startles at the sight of us.

"Merlin! You're still here!"

"Yep."

He laughs. I resist throwing a knife at him but Percy doesn't and instead jumps up, Riptide uncapped and gleaming in his hand.

"Give us the damn password or I'll-"

"Woah. Feisty," The man comments, and at Percy's snarl and jab with the sword, almost touching the canvas, he gives in. "Fine! Fine, the password is broomstick twigs."

I stare at the man flatly as I climb to my feet, and he shrugs. "Hey, don't look at me. I didn't choose. Broomstick twigs are nasty. I would have chosen one of those chocolates with the egg bits in, oh what are they called..."

He continues like this for quite a while, and he's still muttering about egg chocolate when we are transported up to Dumbledore's office. I knock on the wooden door at the top of the spiral stairs whilst Percy caps Riptide, and after a brief pause, it swings open.

"Ah! My two favourite Defence Professors!" The Man, the Myth, the Legend himself, Dumbledore greets us with a cheery smile. He waves a bag of licorice at us. I'm not entirely sure if he was offering, or just gesturing, forgetting that there was candy in his hand. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"We would like to enquire about our salary," I say.

Dumbledore strokes his beard. "Ah, I was wondering when you would ask about that."

Me and Percy trade looks as Dumbledore walks over to a shelf covered in colourful, elaborate glass sculptures, ignores those and picks up a manky feather. "If you would just hold this..."

I stare at him. "What?"

"A portkey," He explains.

"A what?"

"This is our ticket out of Hogwarts! A method of travel."

I shug, and touch the feather. There's not much left that would surprise me at this point. Percy follows suit, and then the most sickening feeling of being sucked through a curly straw as though I'm nothing more than a glass of lemonade occurs.

We get spat out on some large marble steps, an intimidating white building looming over us, and I just about manage to land in an awkward crouch rather on my ass like Percy. "You know, I think I prefer your way of travelling better," Percy says to me.

Dumbledore appears unphased, standing on one of the steps above us and appearing faintly amused. I resist flicking him my middle finger. I stand up, and realise that we are in Diagon Alley, the familiar busy streets loud with conversations. The appearance of everyone looking as through they are going to a fantasy convention still doesn't cease to amuse me - unironically, there are people wearing pointy hats. Even worse, Dumbledore appears in competition for the tallest hat, complete with blinking silver stars.