Defense Against The Dark Arts

Goats Don't Hold Umbrellas

31st July 2023

You would probably have got this update a few hours earlier if I hadn't got distracted on youtube im sorry

The mix between the occasional nightmare, Weird Castle Noises™, a body that often thinks it's nocturnal and staying up all night to watch an artist at work is an equation that ends up with me oversleeping.

Today is no exception, and with me asleep, there's no one to wake up Percy, but when we stumble into the Great Hall for breakfast, half an hour later than usual, no one notices, too busy gawking at the artwork that covers a large portion of one of the walls.

It looks more impressive by day with the ceiling bright with clouds, I can't help but to think. The colours are bolder and brighter and the words a stark contrast against the cold stone of the castle. From the looks on the rest of the staff towards the art, there's a fairly mixed reaction to the art.

We sit in our usual places at the end of the long staff table, and I groggily pull a plate of croissants towards me and pour myself a cup of tea, the coffee pot being on the other side of the table, and I'm not mentally prepared to ask someone to pass it. What the obsession is about leaving the leaves in the tea is something I will never understand.

McGonagall looks faintly amused, not speaking against the mural, but rather in a heated discussion with Flitwick about starting an art club to encourage more creativity in the students, whereas Dumbledore, eyes twinkling in a furious way, is muttering spells under his breath, which do nothing to combat Selene's runes.

"What a horrible picture!" Umbridge huffs, taking the seat next to me, "Simply barbaric! Influencing young minds like that! Promoting violence and animalistic tendencies"

I manage to stifle my snort of laughter at her words and the absolute look of disgust on her face.

"I warned you all that change would befall the school!" Trelawny decides to interrupt, shaking her head in such a way that her glasses almost fall off her nose. "I told you that Hogwarts would be different this year! Jupiter told me so!"

Umbridge scoffs, and Trelawny takes that as an invitation to snatch up a mug and squint at the bottom. "Oh! A dragon - I told you there would be great change - even the tea leaves agree with me!"

She shows the mug to us with great sincerity and nods. "Divination; the most obscure and rewarding lesson anyone can be taught." I try to look vaguely interested, but to me it just looks like a mess of leaves. If I had to pick a shape, I wouldn't even begin to think of a dragon. Perhaps the horns could be part of a goat, and the wings the goat's umbrella, but I've never seen a goat with an umbrella. I don't think tea reading is something I'll ever rely on to get a prophecy.

Dumbledore is still mumbling spells, only now the wand movements have got more eccentric and flamboyant. As the hall starts clearing, me and Percy get up to leave for another lesson - we've started on a more combat-like approach to our lessons, not using weapons yet, but how to safely fall, basic punches and dodges are being taught to the various year groups. I can only pray that this doesn't somehow backfire in our faces and end up in an all-out brawl one dinnertime.

There's the sound of someone clearing their throat from behind me, high pitched, the sound grating against my ears.

I regret waking up this morning.

I should have stayed in the Lotus Casino.

I turn around, the sound can only be directed at us, and smile sarcastically at the pink woman opposite us.

"I think another educational decree is needed, don't you think?" She says to start the conversation.

I resist saying something in Italian, that starts with V and ends with O and that translates to something that would probably get me fired.

"Not really," Percy says.

"You know kids these days, you ban something and suddenly they all want to do it," I add on.

"It's basic psychology," Percy says.

She sniffs. "Here in England, we don't use such words as psychology. You can't come into this school with your strange American terms and ways."

"I refuse to believe you don't know what psychology is," I reply.

She sniffs again.

You know those complaint stories about working in customer service because people are just so stupid. Yeah, anyway, I'm never working in retail. 

Umbridge quickly changes the subject. "I don't suppose you know anything about the... decoration?"

"I know what you're implying," Percy says hotly, "And I won't stand for any false accusations."

I bite down a grin and nod seriously as Percy carries on. "Do I look like the sort of person that can paint?"

Her wide smile shrinks slightly. "I don't know. Do you?"

"It's a trick question," I whisper to Percy. "Don't fall for her trap."

She smooths down the front of her frothy pink blouse with ring-adorned squat fingers and says, "I will take what you said about psychology into consideration," and then pushes past us and stomps off.

She clearly doesn't take our wise words into consideration, as dinner comes around and there is Educational Decree No. 24 - Any acts of vandalism will result in an immediate expulsion. A large group of students are crowded around it whispering.

"There are going to be so many dick drawings by tomorrow, I guarantee it," Someone says.

And they are right. By the end of dinner, as we make our way to the AUDA meeting, we pass a massive neon pink one painted onto a door and four drawn into fogged-up windows. It hasn't even been a day since Umbridge's Decree and the students are already proving us correct.

There's a half finished, yet still wonderful caricature of Umbridge being drawn in the Room of Requirement that Dean is finishing. It's a portrait of her covered in paint from walking under a door with a bucket balanced on it, and upon being asked about it, he says he's going to, "Stick it in the Gryffindor common room and let Fred and George use it as instructions."

The rest of the meeting is postponed to another day, as it becomes an art club, with various results. "She can't expel all of us," Ron points out. "Well, she could, but she wouldn't really have a school left if she expelled everyone that has ever vandalised. Don't even try to say you haven't, Hermione! I saw you drawing a tick on your desk in Binn's class yesterday when the desk read "tick if bored"."

Hermione glares at him and then laughs, because really she isn't as dutiful as everyone thinks she is. "Well how do you know that sign was there?"

"I wrote it," Ron says smugly.

Word count: 1131

Song: Doar cu tine by Activ