Defense Against The Dark Arts

I'm Not A Serial Killer (I Promise)

30th September 2023

I tried to buy a sword that fits in a cane in France last month but then I realised I wouldn't be able to take it back with me because of laws and stuff. Anyway that's the closest I've got to a sword so don't examine my sword fighting description too closely.

After discussing the pros and cons of letting a group of seventeen and sixteen year olds go near swords (despite this being commonplace at camp, it's slightly different when there's legal stuff like jobs involved), we decide to spend a lesson doing a demonstration on sword fighting for the introduction.

The sixth year Slytherins are the first class we have started doing a more fighting-like approach to the lessons, partly due to it being such a small class, of only 10 people, and also because it's Selene's class and she's been pestering us to be doing more practical lessons for ages now.

The students gather round the sunken pit at the back of the room. It is padded with mats on the floor and around the walls which are only about half a metre tall - they are mostly there as markings, if anything.

"As your introduction to the more combat-like classes we will now be teaching you," I begin, tapping my sword against my leg, "We thought it would be useful for you to see what sort of skills you will learn, as well as techniques you could use."

I look at Percy, who uncaps Riptide and grins. "First blood?"

"Hell yeah."

We begin at once, Percy darting in and swinging Riptide towards my chest. I parry his blow, spinning away, and using the opening at his back, I lunge in. He dodges, flipping over my sword, and they clash together, the noise echoing through the classroom. As Percy's slashes become faster and more unpredictable, I go more on the defensive, ducking and spinning away from Riptide as the blows get closer to my torso.

From years of fighting with and against Percy, I know his left leg is slightly weaker from a broken ankle that never quite healed correctly, and as he raises his sword, I hook my foot around his ankle and spin. He moves along with the stumble, rolling and standing up in a fluid motion, but it gives me enough time to get out of the corner I had been backed into.

The fight goes on for a while, and I catch Percy's eye as I realise the time that has passed. He nods, knowing what the look meant, and suddenly the fight gets faster, faster than I can catch up with. He manages to nick me in the arm as I spin away in a dodging motion, and the fight finishes as the blood wells in the cut.

The Slytherins are silent. I do a little awkward bow, and then they start an applause. They seem fascinated, and I leave Percy to speak about the fight to go grab a pirate-patterned plaster from our desk at the front. The cut is small enough that it will heal on its own and will scab in a few days, so I don't bother with ambrosia.

"We were taught at summer camp," Percy is saying. "And we've been practising for years. We're just going to teach you the basics in this lesson, we can move onto more complex styles later."

We don't hand out swords to start with. We show them the correct stance, how to balance their weight and the swords' in a strong position and run through the basic blocks and jabs, miming having a sword in hand before we actually give out swords, found in the Room Of Requirement. They aren't the best - blunt and most have lost their shine, but these are just for practice anyway. We were going to sharpen them at the weekend anyway. (That's such a serial killer hobby. If someone asks "what are you doing on Saturday?" and I reply with "Oh you know how it is. Just sharpening the 15 swords that I found in a magic room so I can teach kids how to kill" They would either assume it was sarcasm or phone the cops.)

The lesson ends with everyone looking fairly worn out and sweaty. I make sure to check that all swords are returned at the end, it's bad enough that these kids already have wands they can curse people with at any moment.

"I think we should give Selene her sword today. It's sharp enough, and I finished glueing that loose gem in yesterday. It should be dry by now," Percy says.

"Yeah, ok. She did well today," I say, "I suppose it must be boring for her to go through the same basic moves over and over, so we can probably start moving onto more complex strategies."

"I don't actually know any strategies. I just wave Riptide around and hope for the best," Percy says. "So far it's worked."

I open my mouth, and then close it again. "Why does that shock me? I should know this by now."

Percy shrugs apologetically. "I suppose you picked up a different style from being at Camp Jupiter? They seemed more organised when I visited."

"Right. Well, I'll give her the sword today anyway. We can spend the time with her just getting used to the weight and feel of it."

Later in the day, there is another AUDA meeting, and Harry is showing the group some sort of exploding spell that produces a stunning blue light. They get through a lot of cushions, and the floor is littered with feathers. They fall from the ceiling like fluffy snowflakes, and they stick to everyone's hair and clothes. I'd rather not imagine what it would look like on a person, and I'm really hoping no one in the room ever has to use it against someone - at the very least, the cleaning would be a nightmare, and blood is already difficult enough to get out of clothes.

I swear I'm not a serial killer.

Like usual, after some time has passed, Selene walks to the door, dodging the feathers drifting down, and de-tangling the ones that are already stuck in her hair. As it's my turn this week, I meet her outside in the hallway. She snorts out a laugh as she notices me, and I self consciously run my hands through my hair. They come back covered in feathers, which I brush onto the floor.

"There's still some-" She waves her hand in the direction of my whole body.

I brush off my shirt and trousers, and shake my hair again, and there's another few handfuls of feathers on the floor.

"Yep, it's all gone," She says. I don't believe her.

When I give her the sword, her face lights up. She runs her hands over it, and gives it a few experimental swishes.

"This is amazing!" She grins, and hugs me. "Thank you!"

I instinctively hug back. "You're welcome."

Word count: 1112

Song: Ya Soshla S Uma, by t.A.T.u (I thought I was insane when this had the same tune as All The Things She Said. I quickly realised this is a translation)