Defense Against The Dark Arts

Ranking DADA Proffessors, A Summary. by Draco Malfoy

1st November 2023

Sorry for the late update! I hope you all had a spooky Halloween!

If asked, Draco would probably say that his worst defence teacher was Mad Eye Moody. Sure, the lessons were interesting, and he actually learnt some stuff, but that was a tiny bright spark of springtime in the haggard torture of the rest of the lessons. Being controlled in front of the whole class without being able to do anything about it? No thanks. Draco would genuinely rather tell his father he is thinking of quitting Hogwarts to become a muggle chef and sleep in a dingy little back bedroom to count his pennies. He's not even going to think about the ferret incident.

Continuing the list, from worst defence teacher to best, the werewolf would be next. Draco is a firm believer in privacy, and displaying everyone's worst fear in the form of a boggart goes against that. Again, Draco would rather cater to the scum of muggle London than go through that once more. He's only glad that he was only a tiny third year, he would hate to see what form the boggart would take now.

Next would be Quirrel, Purely because of how irritating he was, and then Lockheart, because he just never shut up.

So that puts the weird Americans at the top. Which is annoying, because Draco hates them. Well, not really, but no other teachers decide to sit down with him in the library and quiz him about the views he has been raised with his whole life. Like woah, give a guy a warning at least.

And that food fight will be one of the highlights of the year, even if he got scrambled egg in his hair and spent an hour and a half getting rid of the smell.

And the lessons were fun. Even if they were useless - Draco could just whip up a potion that helps his balance and that makes him stronger, without the unnecessary pain of running and balancing on a broomstick.

"Draco. Draco-" Blaise starts clapping in front of his eyes.

"I don't think he's listening," Pansy says. "We could say anything, he probably wouldn't even blink. Watch this - I'm pregnant and Goyle is the father."

"I can actually hear you," Draco says tiredly. "And I know for a fact your lesbian ass would never hook up with Goyle."

"I'm a changed woman," Pansy replies, and grabs a strawberry from Draco's plate, and then dips it in a bowl of sugar.

"That's revolting," Blaise says grimacing at the berry. "How can you eat that much sugar?"

"It's the pregnancy cravings."

"Would you please stop it?" Draco complains, "It's bad enough that you're talking about being pregnant at breakfast with Goyle's child, but stealing my food too?"

"Hey," Goyle says.

"You can't seriously be upset over me stealing a strawberry. You haven't even touched your food yet anyway," Pansy huffs.

"He's upset because we are interrupting his Potter daydreaming time," Blaise says.

"Piss off, I'm not even thinking of him," Draco glares. "I was actually thinking of Percy and Nico."

"Two new crushes?"

"You moved on from Potter fast."

"I think they are squibs," Draco says, pointedly ignoring Pansy and Blaise.

This grabs their attention. "Maybe they use magic less often in America?" Blaise suggests.

"My second cousin goes to Ilvermorny. When I visited last year they used magic as much as we do - if not more. She bewitched her toothbrush to brush her teeth for her," Pany says, shaking her head. "Just stood there with her mouth open."

"Maybe they had their wands snapped," Blaise suggests

"They could be mudbloods."

"They could just be shit at magic."

"Or allergic."

"Now you're just purposefully being stupid. But think about it - when have you actually seen them do magic? All they teach is mudblood stuff."

"I think they are on the run. I bet they don't use magic because they can be tracked with it, and Hogwarts is very secure," Daphne says, and they all jump. She rolls her eyes at this. "What? You were being loud."

"It must be something to do with that summer camp. It's all they ever speak about."

"Spies." Blaise says decisively. "The summer camp is a spy base and MACUSA has hired them to spy on Hogwarts - what better way to do this than to gain all the professor's trust through teaching?"

As much as Draco hates this idea, it makes sense. He glares at his plate and eats a strawberry.

~

Snape watches the doors to the Great Hall with a scowl. It seems like a regular thing now, the new Defence professors arriving just a few minutes before breakfast ends. And just as he predicts, they dash in narrowly dodging a group of students that were just leaving, and grab their usual seats at the end of the staff table.

Dressed in muggle attire, Snape can't help but feel wary of the youngest professors. They have hardly any knowledge on wizarding customs and using magic seems more like an afterthought to them - in fact, Snape doesn't think he's ever seen them do any spells, except from once when Jackson had done silent, wandless magic after di Angelo had knocked a glass of water over and Jackson cleaned it up.

So Snape can rule out that Jackson, at least, has magic, and he can only assume the same is for di Angelo, even if they use it sparingly.

Would Dumbledore hire someone that couldn't do magic to teach a practical, largely spell-based subject? Snape ponders, and yes, he 100% would, as desperate to fill the position as he is. And it's not like the other Defence professors were great at teaching either; Lockheart seemed to have a fantastic repertoire for hair spells, but not much else, except to alter his victims' memories, and whilst Quirrell himself was a talented individual, Voldemort being on the back of his head didn't do any good. Moody would have been great, if he had actually been Moody and not another fanatic follower of the Dark Lord, and Lupin-

Well, Lupin had been okay, but Snape doesn't want to admit that. Hiring him had done wonders for the overall Defence grades for the school, so maybe Dumbledore did think about hiring people past Oh what a dreadful wardrobe, I love it.

"Ah, Severus," Dumbledore says, and sits next to him, swirling a wine glass of pumpkin juice. Speak of the devil. "How are you today?"

Snape internally sighs. "Albus." He doesn't bother responding to the small talk in a way that is typical. "I was just thinking about our new professor's... unusual teaching methods."

"Ah. Yes I was wondering when you'd ask." He strokes his beard. "And all I have to say is that they are the best for the job."

"They look a little young."

"I suppose they do. Appearances can be devious little things, can't they?"

This time Snape doesn't bother internalising his sigh. "That they can." He changes the subject before Dumbldore continues down the path on appearances versus reality. "How is removing the graffiti progressing?" He says as his eyes flick over to the brightly morbid slogan.

The twinkle dims, and Dumbledore's mouth tightens. "It's troubling, to say the least. No magic works on it due to a complex map of runes, so other than narrowing it down to someone who knows the subject well..."

Snape nods curtly, and breakfast ends.

Slightly different chapter this time! Someone commented that it would be interesting to see Percy and Nico from different POVs, and it was fun to write. Is this something everyone would like to see less/more of?

Word count: 1223

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