bruises || stylinson

1.6

Louis

I've taken a few days to think about my actions towards Harry and I've decided that I'm a terrible person. I dragged him into a bad situation and then he wanted to make himself happy and I fucked that up too.

I just don't know how to say to him how I feel about him. I look at him and I know that I feel all fuzzy on the inside and then I say something horrible that I end up having to apologize for later because I don't know how to properly be a human.

I think it's just the fact that I've never felt the way I feel about Harry towards anyone and that terrifies me. I like to be in control of my feelings and having new ones in weird.

However, now is the worst time for me to bring all of those feelings for him up. He has a new boy in his life who can actually take care of him in the way that Harry deserves to be taken care of. I bring too much baggage, I would try to do something nice and then someone would find out and everything would come crashing down.

I think this means that I should apologize to Oliver for being rude.

I definitely don't regret anything I said to him, but I know that Harry didn't like it. As much as I don't want to say that I'm sorry to him, I know that Harry would want me to.

I have about thirty minutes until school actually starts which means I have just enough time to make a quick apology to him and then go and try to find Harry. I might even get lucky and find them together.

Scratch that- I don't want Harry to be there because I'll turn into a blubbering idiot and I won't be able to say anything to Oliver. This is about me being a good person and apologizing for my actions, not apologizing so Harry can see that I'm trying.

True that definitely is part of my motive, but it isn't my full one. This entire week I've felt super shitty and even ate my lunch in a bathroom, I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be out in the open talking to people and not feel like I need to hide.

Well to actually get to that point I would need to wash away a whole lot of childhood trauma which would cause more problems. That's besides the point, I just want to sit at a table and not feel like I need to avoid people.

Avoiding Harry is much harder when I actually have to stay at the school. When I felt like I could just leave I would do so and then I wouldn't have to see him, but now he could come and find me. I've had several close calls with him this week and I don't want that to happen again.

I see Oliver now and he's alone, yet I feel like I should run in the opposite direction.

He hasn't seen me yet and he's not a mind reader so he doesn't know my intentions so I can easily make a break for it. I could run clear across the school and spend the rest of my day there, that sounds like a whole lot of fun.

Shit he looked up from his phone and saw me, I can't run now. He'll think that I have something to hide which I don't and that'll make things worse. All I have to do is try and push past my irrational fears of him.

He's not that intimidating, he just has Harry and that's what scares me. I just need to approach him and tell him that I'm sorry for my behavior so that Harry and I can be cool again.

Except I really don't want to do this. I want to be in his spot and I was working so hard to get there and then suddenly he waltzes in and takes over Harry in a matter or days. Days, he did it in days when I've been trying for weeks.

Now's not the time to deal with my jealously though, I need to talk to him before he goes to class. He's so only a few feet away and once it's over I can run away and pretend that I was going to be late for class.