"The gifts and the letters...it was you, wasn't it?"
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I pulled away from her touch as fast as I could. Hindi ko siya matignan sa mata kasi kinakabahan ako. Do I say it now? Do I apologize? Oh my god, ano'ng sasabihin ko?
Hindi na ako mapakali sa upuan ko and I know na napapansin niya na. I had to remind myself to calm down.
"Iwan muna kita dito," Risa said. Napatingin ako sa kanya in panic. "I'll go to the bathroom lang."
I let out the breath I was holding when she turned her back. Okay, akala ko mas malala pa do'n 'yung sasabihin niya. This is good, right? She's giving me the chance to explain myself.
Niligpit ko 'yung pinagkainan namin while she was away, downing the remaining wine in my glass. I refilled it and went to the living room, burying my face in my hands. Nandito ka na, Leni, I said to myself. Nandito ka na, ngayon ka pa ba aatras?
Bumalik na siya sa sala, a look of relief on her face. Akala niya siguro umalis na ako. Risa stared intently, leaning on one of the cabinets. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to kasi alam ko naman na sagot ko lang ang hinihintay niya.
I inhaled sharply and let the words flow freely from my soul to my mouth.
"Okay, look. Hear me out ha. Hindi ko alam paano ka iaapproach without it seeming out of the blue. No'ng una, it was just a simple attraction. I swear, hindi ko rin naman inexpect na aabot sa ganito. Tangina, I didn't even think it was possible for me to be attracted to someone after Jesse pero biglang andyan ka. Tapos ang ganda mo, ang bait mo, you've supported me since day one and ewan...bigla na lang akong gumising isang araw and I wanted nothing more than to be with you."
Memories of us in the past flashed in my mind. Our random conversations about the mundane yet extraordinary lives we live, the whispers of reassurance and comfort before facing a crowd bigger than anyone of us ever imagined, the soft gentle touches to let the other person know that we've got each other's backs. Then and now. Until the very end.
Not once did I break eye contact with her. Gusto ko dahil sa takot pero there's really something about her eyes that have always drawn me in, making me more courageous than I initially am. Gano'n naman na talaga ang epekto ng mga mata niya sa'kin. Constantly and consistently since 2016.
Tears now blurred her vision and I wanted nothing more than to wipe them away. But I had to keep going kasi baka mamaya, wala na 'tong lakas ng loob ko.
I told her that I planned to give her the flowers, the gifts, and the letters anonymously because wala pa akong lakas nang loob to do it myself. And that I didn't want to push her away from me. Sinabi ko na I didn't know if she would find it creepy kaya para sure na lang at makabawi ako, I made up for it by making time for her. By spending the day with her.
Kwinento ko kung pa'no ako nag-come sa decision kung ano'ng ibibigay sa kanya at paano ko ibibigay. The food, the playlist, and the baked goods. I let the truth spill from my lips while my heart raced perhaps a million times per minute.
I watched her breathe heavily and close her eyes. Gusto kong itanong kung bakit, kung ano'ng iniisip niya, but I decided to continue talking anyway.
"Ever since I came to the realization that I was attracted to you, wala na. Parang nakakalimutan kong presidente ako ng Pilipinas, na may trabahong naghihintay sakin, may meeting na dapat puntahan sa araw na 'yun, or kung ano pang engagements at errands ang kailangan kong gawin." I said, laughing awkwardly as I remembered the times I'd forget about the rest of my agenda once na malaman kong magkikita kami sa araw na 'yun.
Naalala ko 'yung matutulala ako sa kalagitnaan ng pagtatrabaho kasi nahuhuli ko 'yung sarili kong iniisip na naman siya. Or the times I'd anticipate seeing her na paulit-ulit yung tanong ko sa staff ko if she's here or if nakarating na ba siya. Sometimes, I'd look blankly at something and then break out into a smile kasi I remember something that she told me.
"Kasi all I think about is you. From the moment I wake up to the moment I'm about to sleep. Sometimes you even visit me in my dreams. A-and don't get me wrong, I don't hate it pero fuck..." I sighed, running my hand through my hair, "you consume all the spaces in my mind."
She does. Consume all the spaces in my mind, I mean. Marami mang laman 'yung isip ko, lagi't lagi, nando'n lang siya. Her presence there wasn't overwhelming. Rather, it was a constant comforting thought. The same way that she is in reality.
"Tapos 'yung libro na pinaabot ko kay Kiko kahit dapat ako na 'yung magbibigay ngayon. Kanina pa talaga ako nandyan sa labas, nag-iipon ng lakas ng loob, tangina buti nga hindi natunaw 'yung cake. God, Risa, you drive me crazy. Ikababaliw ko 'tong pagmamahal sa—"
"I love you."
What the hell.
My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. I scanned her face trying to catch her playing this god-awful joke on me. But I found none. She was dead serious, keeping a straight face and looking at me directly in the eyes.
"Anong sabi mo?" I asked, my voice cowering in shock.
"Sabi ko...I love you, Leni."
Risa sat beside me, locking our fingers together. How I missed the feeling of her hands intertwined with mine. Konti na lang iiyak na ako, overwhelmed but so very happy kasi hindi ako makapaniwala, but at the same time I can't help but feel frightened.
What if she takes it back just as quickly as she said it?
So I asked, "Talaga?"
"Talagang-talaga."
"I love you, Risa." I cried, letting my tears fall down. "Matagal na." Sobrang tagal na.
God, it feels so good to finally say it. But it felt even better to hear her say it back.
"I love you too."
She let go of my hand and cupped my face, staring deeply into my eyes. Have I ever stated how much I loved Risa's eyes? No matter the circumstances, where she is or what she's doing, parang laging puno ng saya at pag-asa 'yung mga mata niya.
I closed the small gap between us and claimed her lips. Both my hands held her face the same way that she did mine. Ang tagal-tagal kong hinintay 'to. And you know, it's true what they say about the things you work hard for and those that you wait for. They feel more rewarding in the end.
Our kiss wasn't rushed, the same way that my feelings for her weren't. It was slow, intimate, and pure. Just like us.
A part of me always thought that when the time comes that I finally kiss her, my heart would race, the same way that it usually does whenever she's near me. But right now, with my lips moving with hers, it didn't. My heart beat calmly and peacefully, the way that it usually does. The only difference is, it's glad to have finally gone home.
