I looked up, breathing sharply, then asked myself the question that's been flooding my mind since I got here.
Akala ko ba susugal ka?
-------------------
Around 10 ako dumating dito pero malapit na mag-12 hindi pa rin ako lumalabas. Hindi ko maiwasang maisip kung anong magiging reaksyon ni Risa.
Would she be happy to see me? Excited, even?
Or would she reject me and kick me out?
It was 5 minutes before 12 and I knew I had to move. Or else I would lose this chance forever and probably regret it for the rest of my life.
I got out of the car and walked to the gate of her house, carrying the cake, wine, and snacks I bought. My heart felt like it would jump out of my chest anytime now. Nanlalamig 'yung buong katawan ko and I had to steady myself sa poste na katabi ng gate nila.
Kumalma ka nga, Leni.
My alarm went off at exactly 12 so I called her just as I planned to. Napalunok ako kasi she picked up faster than I expected. Here we go.
"Happy birthday, Ana Theresia!"
"Hi, Leni! Thank you." Her voice flooded my ears and I immediately knew something was off. Hindi masaya 'yung boses niya and she was sniffling like she just cried minutes ago. Mas lalong pumintig 'yung puso ko.
"Hmm, anong problema?"
"Walang problema."
I'm not even inside her house yet pero parang ayoko na pumasok. Is she finally shutting me off and cutting ties with me for good? God, I hope not.
"You don't sound very happy for someone who's celebrating their birthday today."
She paused for a while and I hear her breathe on the other side of the call. "Magiging masaya ako kung nandito ka sa tabi ko."
Nabuhayan ako do'n. Whether or not she's going to reject me, the mere fact that she wants me beside her is enough. Kung ano mang kalalabasan nito, I'm just glad she wants to talk it over and not shatter my heart directly.
"Alam ko," I replied, steadying my voice so she won't notice na kinakabahan ako, "Kaya nga nandito na ako sa labas kanina pa eh."
Narinig ko 'yung panic niya kasi parang ang dami niyang nabanggang gamit para pagbuksan ako ng gate. "Aray," She winced. Hindi ko nakikita 'yung ginagawa niya pero natatawa ako.
The gate opened and I flashed my brightest smile at her, reminding myself to calm down. "Hey. Happy birthday ulit!"
I waved the wine bottle and showed her what I bought. "I brought snacks, cake, and wine. Come on, let's celebrate."
She looked at me, awestruck and bewildered. But she didn't say anything which had me both on edge and concerned kasi come on, Risa, tell me what's wrong.
Wordlessly, we entered her house and pinapatong niya muna 'yung dala ko sa dining table and we made our way to the living room.
"Ris...are you alright? Are you sick or in pain? Please, talk to me."
I begged her in my mind. Say something, Risa, please.
But instead of answering me through words, she wrapped her arms around me and welcomed me into a bone crushing hug, burying her face in my neck. I immediately tensed up at hindi ako makahinga. Hindi dahil mahigpit 'yung yakap niya pero dahil si Risa 'to. Maybe she already figured it out, maybe not, but she's in my arms.
I softened and wrapped her in my arms just as tight as she did, maybe even tighter. Let me savor this moment, baka biglang mawala eh.
Her scent drove me crazy – sweet like cinnamon and fresh like morning dew. I closed my eyes, wallowing in this feeling. If things were to turn out badly tonight, at least I get to have this.
"You feel like home, Leni." She finally whispers against my neck and I'm not sure if it's because of what she said or because her lips moved against my skin but my head spun and my heart started beating even faster, if that was even humanly possible.
"You feel like home too." Little does she know that she's always felt that way to me. Then and now, and now and always.
We stayed like that for a while, holding and trying to calm each other down. I pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and took her hand, leading her to the kitchen.
"Let's go eat the cake I brought you. This is your favorite pa oh."
Pinaupo ko na siya and ako na nag-asikaso, pouring wine to two glasses, and cutting a portion of the cake for each of us. I felt conscious kasi she watched my every move but I didn't mind. Parang unti-unti na rin namang nawala 'yung hiya ko.
"Asan ang van mo? How did you get here?" She asked as we were eating.
"Nagdrive ako papunta dito. Alam mo ba, I had to go to different stores pa kasi none of them had the cake flavor that you love." I laughed, remembering how the cashier staff in the stores were shocked to see me in my pajamas and buying cake at that hour.
"You went to different stores dressed in your pantulog and alone?" She asked slowly, enunciating every word that came out of her mouth.
"Oo. What's wrong with that?"
"Maria Leonor, you're the president of the country! Baka mamaya mapa'no ka dyan sa labas o may magtangkang gumawa ng kung ano sa'yo. Do you know how dangerous tha—"
Instead of getting nervous kasi sinesermonan niya ako, napangiti na lang ako kasi she sounds genuinely concerned. Ganito pala mag-alala ang Risa Hontiveros.
Sinubuan ko siya ng cake that I was supposed to eat, effectively cutting her off.
"Ang dami mong sinabi. I'm here and I'm safe now, aren't I? Kasama mo ako dito and buhay ako." I assured her and she frowned at me.
She swallowed then pouted at me, "Nag-aalala lang naman ako para sa'yo."
"I know and thank you for that. But stop worrying too much about me. Ayokong nakikita kang nasstress lalo na kung dahil sa akin."
I drank the wine I bought and I have to say, ang ganda talaga ng taste ni Risa pagdating sa mga ganito. Sabagay, it's no wonder naman since she's a sophisticated person.
I feel her eyes on me again – like she's waiting for me to do or say something. I turned to look at her and she reached across the table, wiping some of the wine on the corner of my lips.
Ang lapit.
Sobrang lapit.
Her face was mere centimeters away from mine now. Isang galaw lang, konting galaw lang, and my lips would catch hers completely. I breathed deeply, unable to tear my eyes away from her gaze. Not until she bit her lip and I had to restrain myself from kissing her.
Do something. Say something. I told myself mentally.
Her thumb near my lips shifted and she held my head, caressing my cheeks. I think I stopped breathing for a while as her lips hovered over mine. "Leni..." She whispered closely. So, so closely.
Our eyes were locked intensely and I had to stop the urge, all the urges I had, to kiss her and tell her how I felt. I looked down to her lips na kanina ko pa gustong tignan.
If this hurts, if this ends in the worst possible way that it could, at least I got this close to her — closer than I ever was.
I met her eyes again and she breathed deeply. Say something, I pleaded in my head.
Her next words shocked me, not that I didn't expect it, but because she already knew and she wasn't pushing me away.
""The gifts and the letters...it was all you, wasn't it?"
