Love Me Harder✔

nine

{edited }

no matter how late

baby i'll be staying up 

i can't sleep without you

___

I stayed up until three in the morning waiting for Derek to sneak through my bedroom window. I waited for that stupid little knock on my window. I waited for him to come in and sleep on my bedroom floor. I waited for him to come in so that I could tell him I still loved him. I waited and I waited for someone that once again, disappointed me. 

With a text to him, I went to sleep, hoping and praying there would be a response tomorrow

***

It was ten thirty in the morning when I woke up. I only got a few hours of sleep since I kept waking up every half hour waiting for Derek to pop up on my balcony and walk inside my room. I laid on my back for a little while, staring up at my ceiling. So many thoughts and scenarios were running through my head. He never texted me back so what if he is hurt? Or dead?

What if he went out with some other girl?

What if he got into a fight again and is lying piss drunk in a ditch on the side of the road?

What if he got eaten by the wolves in the forest next to my house? (Well, maybe not that one)

There are so many possibilities as to  why he didn't sneak in last night and for some reason, I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that whatever he did last night was going to break my heart into even more pieces. 

***

It was around one in the afternoon when I finally graced the world with my presence. I didn't feel like getting dressed so I just threw on a baggy sweater and some sweatpants that were Jacob's. He slept over last weekend and just left his dirty clothes at my house thinking I would actually give them back. Whenever he leaves clothes at my house, they automatically become mine. His clothes are so comfy and warm and big and I just love them very, very much.

"Sleeping Beauty is finally awake." My dad said, smiling his cheeky smile. I walked farther into the kitchen and sat at the island. My dad was leaning against the counter. "Do you want something to eat, love?"

I nodded, "Yes, please!. Can you make me an egg omelet? The one you said mom always used to eat?"

Dad nodded and smiled. "Of course, Darce. Is something wrong? You seem down. If you need to talk, always know that I'm here for you"

I knew what the underlying message was in his voice: Please don't be like your mother and hide whatever you're feeling. I can help you. I can save you from doing what she did to herself.

I forced a smile. "I'm perfectly fine, dad."

Dad smiled again and then turned around with the spatula in the air, "I forgot, Jacob stopped by earlier. I said you were sleeping. He said he would wait for you to wake up and ended up falling asleep on the couch in the family room."

"Alright, thanks." I laughed a bit and jumped down from the stool. I walked out of the kitchen and into the family room where Jacob was sound asleep on the couch. There was a crease in the middle of his forehead and instantly I knew something was wrong. I gently shook him and he jumped up.

With a sleepy voice he said, "You're finally awake. I wasn't sleeping. I was just closing my eyes for a bit, waiting for you."

I chuckled and sat down besides him, "So, what's wrong? Don't tell me nothing because I saw the crease in your forehead and you're never awake before noon on the weekends so something drastic must have happened."

Jacob scratched the back of his neck, "You didn't see?" 

I sat upright. "See what?"

"I thought LJ would have showed you. I thought he was with you last night."

I shook my head frantically, "He asked me to go to a party with him last night but I said no because I had other plans."

 Yeah, like being pathetic and waiting for some stupid boy to sneak into your room so you could confess your undying love to him. 

"I got a text from LJ last night and damn did he look good, if only he was gay. Anyway, go on Derek's Twitter, okay?"

I nodded, grabbing my phone from inside of the sweatpants and logging onto Twitter. I typed in Derek's name and my breath got caught in my throat. My heart was in my stomach and I felt like I was going to puke. In the first picture was of two girls grinding on Derek. In the second picture, Derek was licking jello shots off the same two girls, at once. In the third picture, Derek was hooking up with one of the girls and in the fourth picture his hand was groping the other girls boobs. He also tweeted some things to, that broke my heart a little bit with each word. 

"Darcy? Are you okay?"

I looked over at Jacob, whose face was filled with worry. I dropped my phone onto the couch and placed my hand on my mouth to hold back the sob that was dying to come out. "No."

"What happened? I thought we were over him?"

I shook my head, "A few nights ago, he said he loved me and last night I was waiting for him to show up so I could tell him I still loved him and he never showed up. Jacob, I can't go through this again, I can't."

Jacob looked at me, "Darcy, stop. You're going to make me cry. You don't need him, okay? You have me and LJ and your family. You don't need him."

I let out a sob, my breathing going erratic so I could try not to cry, "No, I do need him. God, do I need him. He makes me feel so whole and just seeing that breaks my heart into fucking pieces. Why does he keep doing this to me? Why does he keep hurting me? Jacob, why?"

Jacob looked at me and held my stare, "I don't know why he keeps doing these things to you. You don't deserve it and you don't deserve him. You are worth so much more than a high school boy, okay? He doesn't appreciate you and that's not right. You are lovely. I don't know why the devil is always disguised as the angel but you need to let him go. You're going to wind up killing yourself inside. Please, baby girl. If I wasn't gay, I would treat you so fucking right. I'm willing to go straight for you."

Any other day, his statement would have made me laugh but at the end of his mini speech I was a sobbing mess. "You don't understand, Jacob, you don't understand."

He sighed, "You're killing yourself."

I looked up at Jacob, showing him all the emptiness that I was feeling, "But that's the thing, I'm already dead inside."

With one last text to Derek, I shut my phone off and fell back into Jacob's arms.

_____________

Song of Chapter: Sleep Without You by Brett Young