Love Me Harder✔

fourteen

{edited}

i'm in the corner watching you kiss her

i'm right over here, why can't you see me?

and i'm giving it my all

i keep dancing on my own.

___

I feel like I'm in some shitty movie where the main character is standing in a crowded room with the background being slowed down and sad music playing. I feel like I can't breathe. 

Lights were flashing outside of my driveway and a gurney was rolling down the driveway, a body bag on top of it, zipped to the top. My breathing hitched and I ran. I ran out of Jacob's car and ran to my house, knocking over a police officer. I wasn't sure if I mumbled an apology but my heart was racing a mile a minute and my only thought was of my dad. 

I ran into my house and saw him sitting in the kitchen, blood covering his hands and arms, his head in between his legs. His body was rocking back and forth and I stopped in the doorway, not sure what I should do. I slowly inched forward, going closer to him. He looked up at me when the floorboard creaked and his eyes were red and bloodshot.

"Dad?" I said, though it came out more like a question since a million thoughts and questions were running through my head right now.

He didn't say anything but shook his head. "I thought it was you, dad. I thought it was you." And finally the tears surfaced to my eyes. You'd think I would have no more tears to cry but alas, they're running down my face, "What happened?"

Dad took a deep breath, his hands shaking really bad, "I had just came home from the food store when I saw I had a missed call and a voicemail from Zayn. The voicemail was hard to understand but I picked up somethings and they didn't sound like him. He sounded distressed and like he was really upset or something. So I called Perrie but she said she wasn't home, she had taken the twins dress shopping for a formal coming up.  I called the other lads and they said they got the same thing. I knew something was up, something deep inside of me knew something was so so wrong. I used the spare key they had given to me so many years ago and went into their house. It was quiet and I went upstairs to see a gunshot womb to Zayn's lower stomach and I- I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn't."

Dad's sobs overtook his body and I rubbed his back, hugging him from behind and crying into his shoulder. How much more can I take?

"Why would he do that?"

Dad wiped his eyes, "He left a note and he said he had been battling depression for years. That when he left the band, he was diagnosed with depression and that was the real reason he had left; not because of  burrito boy. He said in the note that he only stayed alive for Perrie, us, and his kids. If it weren't for them, he'd be gone a long time before. I don't know what to do. How did I not know he was sad? This is like Kaylee all over again. I couldn't save two people's lives."

He whispered the last part and he cried some more. I stood there in silence, listening to the rain fall outside and my dads sobs because honestly, what else was to be said?

***

"Former One Direction band member, Zayn Malik, found dead last night by former band member, Harry Styles. Sources say Zayn had committed suicide and that he was battling depression for many years. All around the world, old directioners are going crazy, saying this isn't real. Our hearts go out to the loved ones and the fami-"