Love Me Harder✔

to derek

{edited}

To: Derek Millings

From: Darcy Styles

Dear Derek,

Hi... I don't really know how to start this, what to exactly say and what I want to say. I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry? I'm sorry for dying like this and I'm sorry for pretending not to know who you were. How could I not? You were something so fucking special to me, you don't even understand. I was so far up your ass that I kept crawling back to you and I kept coming back and back and back again. Even after you broke my heart and even after you destroyed me. You ruined me and you felt no remorse for it. So honestly, I'm not really sorry.

But I am sorry for leaving you like this, with so many things unsolved. I will never forgive you for what you had done to me or the things you were going to do but I guess I can forget, I will be up above for a long time to come.

I guess it just sort of was a punch in the gut, a wake up call, when I saw you having s.ex with a woman the night before our wedding. What hurt me even more was that you just threw me aside, like I was nothing. Like I was nothing special to you.

I remember just standing there in shock, not knowing what to do or say. I was frozen and I would have still went back to you if I didn't realize the girl you were screwing was my maid of honor, my little niece. It made me realize how bad people are and how people never really change. I tried giving you another chance but you blew it by fucking my niece.

We had just lost our baby, found out that I can't have anymore kids after that and you leave me for someone else. What was even worse was that I had no one beside me. LJ and Jacob were gone. I destroyed our friendships. I was so far up your ass that I couldn't realize how much LJ really loved me, and not as a friend. If I could go back, I would. I would change everything and I would have probably ended up with him and we would have been happy. He made me happy, but you didn't know how to do that. 

I couldn't even run to Jacob because of you, I pushed him away to the point of no return. I pushed him away because I didn't believe him. I didn't believe his warnings about you. I told him I loved you and that I needed you. Did I even love you? Did you even love me? I guess I will never find that out. 

Then you came to my work place and was looking for me. Honestly what did you expect me to do? Run back into your arms? I grew up, Derek, I learned from my many mistakes. I learned to push you away, and not just at arms length. I learned that you were toxic in my life. I'm not blaming you for myself committing suicide, but I am saying that you did have a part in my unhappiness in life. You ruined me. I thought our toxic relationship was true love but really, it was just an abusive relationship for the both of us. 

After reading this letter, I want you to forget back me. Think about me as just a messed up girl you once knocked up and kept leaving. Forget about me and never think of me again. I want you to be happy. I want you to make your life something grand, something extraordinary. I want you to move on and I want you to settle down. I want you to have the family you always wanted and I want you to go to college and become that DHS worker you always wanted to be. Don't become your father and don't become your mother. You are better than them. Take care of your baby sister and support her through everything. Be happy, Derek, because in the end, you deserve it. 

I think a part of me will always love you. 

Maybe we'll meet again in another life time or maybe we'll meet again sometime down the road, a long way down the road. 

With All The Love In The World, 

Darcy Styles.

p.s. I was never married to Stephen.

p.p.s. I'm sorry. 

p.p.p.s. i didn't really have any other kids at home, but you already knew that because you were there when the doctor told me i couldn't have anymore kids after James

p.p.p.p.s. i love you, but not like I used to.