Love Me Harder✔

five

{Edited- also Derek above}

"i'd die for you' that's easy to say

we have a list of people that we would take 

a bullet for them, a bullet for you 

___

It was around midnight when I finally decided to let my self pity fade and trudge back to my house. I was soaking wet and shivering and I was pretty damn sure that I was going to be sick tomorrow, the first day back to school from break. I replayed the conversation with my father and Uncle Zayn in my head all day and night and I literally hated myself so much. The things I said were completely out of line. I realized that I said those things not because I hated dad, but because I hated myself and what mom did. I just don't even know what to think of myself anymore. 

The back door was still unlocked when I made it to the porch and I was thankful for that. When walking into the house, I noticed that my aunts and Uncle Niall were all asleep on the couch, the t.v. still on, playing some old movie. Uncle Louis was propped up against the floor with his head resting on Aunt El's legs. Uncle Zayn and Uncle Liam were no where in sight and I had a feeling that they were probably still with dad. 

Closing the back door behind me, I took off my shoes and placed them on the mat by the door. I slowly tip toed to the stairs and made my way upstairs, making sure to skip over the stairs that creak. When upstairs, I noticed that all the doors were shut besides mine. Making my way down to the end of the hallway, I stood there for a few minutes before deciding to just open it and walk in. I opened the door slowly and cringed at the sight before me. Dad was lying on the bed, his face beat red and a beer bottle hanging in his right hand. Uncle Liam was on the other side of the bed, sound asleep. Looking around, I noticed that Uncle Zayn was still wide awake, sitting on the window sill and staring outside. 

"Why are you in here?"  I heard Uncle Zayn say but he never once turned his head to actually look at me.

"I need to speak with him, please." My voice cracked at the end and I could already feel the tears pooling in my corner of my eyes.

"Well,  as you can see, he's sleeping. I had to give him two sleeping pills to knock him out though and take away the razors in all the bathrooms. Also, I hid the knives in your kitchen." Uncle Zayn's voice sounded so cold and there was so much hate in it. You deserve to be talked like this after what you said.

"Please, I'm so so sorry." I said, falling to my knees and letting one little tear slide down my face.

Finally, Uncle Zayn turned his head, his eyes filled with anger, "Yeah well, I don't really care about your apology right now. You're so lucky you are a girl and the daughter of my best mate."

"You don't understand." I said, hiccuping as a sob overtook my body.

Unce Zayn laughed though there was no humor in it, "Enlighten me then."

I sighed, "It must run in the family, you know? Hating yourself, I mean. I do, hate myself that is. I might put up a good front, say that I'm happy but all the guys in my school just wanted me for dad's money and of course for sex. But Derek was different, he actually saw the good in me and I knew it was bad to fall in love with him but I did anyway. People warned me and they said he was no good but I saw the good in him. He wasn't like other guys but he was something. You have to know what I'm talking about, you were my age once, you fell in love before Aunt Perrie.

"Anyway, when he broke up with me, I went back into that self hating phase again. I know I am not like the other girls or like other celebrities daughters. I'm not no size two nor do I have a thigh gap. My stomach jiggles when I run and I don't have huge boobs or shit like that and I hate myself for it. I know what mom went through, sort of. Well maybe not, but I know what it's like to want to change  yourself. Trust me, I do. Starving myself for days on end and taking diet pills or only eating salads does not work with me. I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I came to terms with that when I said those things to dad about mom. In the end, I realized that I only hate myself because of what mom did to dad and I and because what I do to myself. He's not the pathetic one, I am. Don't look at me like that, I haven't harmed myself nor have I attempted to kill myself because I am too much of a coward to do that, but I promise you that I regret what I said earlier."

Uncle Zayn looked at me, "Do I need to take away your razors too?"

We both laughed lightly, "No, but a hug would do."

Uncle Zayn opened his arms and I instantly got up from the floor and ran into them. His arms engulfed me and he rubbed my back. I held onto his leather jacket with all my strength and let the sobs take over my body. After a few minutes, Uncle Zayn pushed me away from him so that I was at arms length of him, "I want you to know, Darce, that you are beautiful. It shouldn't matter what other girls or guys think of you and you shouldn't care. Who cares if you're a size two or a size ten. It shouldn't matter and you should be comfortable in your own body. Don't go starving yourself and don't go buying diet pills ever again. I love you like my own, Darce, and I am still angry about what you said to your father but I can't loose you too. Alright? We've already lost so much in this family, we can't lose another."

I nodded, and he kissed the top of my head.

***

Uncle Zayn said that I should just go to bed and sleep because dad wasn't waking up until tomorrow. I protested a bit but the bags underneath my eyes said otherwise. After a long, hot shower I changed into a pair of fluffy pajama pants and a One Direction t-shirt. 

 So here I was sleeping when I heard a knocking on my window. Looking over at my clock I noticed that it was a little after one in the morning. Just thinking it was the wind, I tried to fall back asleep but heard the knocking again. Feeling scared, I grabbed the baseball bat and slowly walked over to my window and pulled the curtains to the side a bit. I jumped back, shocked that sitting on my balcony was none other than Derek Millings. 

I opened my window up, pulling Derek into my bedroom. "Are you crazy?! You could have hurt yourself. You fucking idiot, what are you even doing here?"

That's when I took in his appearance. He was swaying on his feet and there was dried up blood on his knuckles and underneath his nose. "What happened to you?"

He giggled, "I went out to get a drink or maybe seven, I don't know, and some idiot picked a fight with me. I won by the way."

I realized that he was drunk off his ass so I slowly pushed him onto my bed after he came into my room,"Why are you even here?"

"Because I didn't know where to go and my mom would be mad at me." He slurred his words a little. After telling him to 'shut the fuck up' I went into my bathroom to grab a wet towel and some rubbing alcohol to put onto his wounds. 

When I came back into my room from my bathroom, Derek had fallen onto the ground. Rushing over to him, I tried to pick his body up and place him back into the bed. He laughed and moaned a little bit as my hand came in contact with the bruise on his rib cage, which I saw since he must have taken his shirt off while I was gone.

Carefully, I rubbed his cuts with the wet towel and washed away the blood. He looked at me with a hooded expression on his face, "Why come to me when you could have gone to Kevin's? He's closer to you than I am."

"Because that day on Christmas, I forgot to tell you something. Kevin would have told me to go home but I knew you would let me in and I need to tell you this. I'm rambling and I'm probably going to regret this in the morning but I need to say it, okay?"

My hand on his face froze and I felt my heart beat speed up, "What did you forget to tell me?"

He slumped down further onto my bed and as his eyes closed and his breathing began to even out, I heard the seven words that made my heart flutter and my stomach drop, "That I am in love with you."

_______________________________

That stuff about what Darcy said is things that I think about myself and things that I have done. I am not proud of it and I really want you all to know that you're beautiful/handsome and you need to love yourself before you let others love you. Self worth is so important and my inbox is always open for everyone. :) 

Song of Chapter: Ride by Twenty One Pilots