Ice Blue

Chapter 4

My heart explodes the same way that my fathers brain does when Valentin shoots him right into his head. The way I scream will surely cause my voice to disappear for a while when I see him laying there, in his own blood. I get dizzy, my blood sinks to my legs and I pass out.

I open my eyes. This nightmare was so awful that it has me screaming and crying even after opening my eyes because it feels so real that it makes me sick and feel like it's still going on. It's giving me a panic attack. The pictures are repeating themselves in my brain and coming in front of my eyes as soon as I close them. My body is shaking and I can't stop crying like a child because the way this makes me feel is terrible. I wish I could get out of my own skin because it feels too tight on me. These four walls are too tight on me too. Too heavy. That's why I try to take slow and deep breaths. I need to get myself together because there's nobody who could help me or be there for me. I'm not at home.

The entire day after my cheep attempt to run away was already so horribly boring and lonely that this makes it all worse. It's the cherry on top.

He stayed in his office all day until dinner and even then he barely spoke to me. He looked at me like he was about to slaughter me and now he's slaughtering my family in my dreams.

Suddenly the door opens and Valentin storms in with a raised gun. I scream again and he puts it away immediately, noticing that I'm alone and not being attacked. He looks stressed but relieved at the same time. Does this man even know how terrifying it is to be encountered like that? Especially after a nightmare, in the middle of the night? He just comes in here like a freak and thinks it could help.

"Fuck, what happened?" he asks and he doesn't sound sleepy or exhausted at all. This makes me think of last night. He didn't seem sleepy or exhausted last night either. Does this man ever sleep? He must be awake all the time, making plans and checking on everything. He is sick and obsessed.

"Get out!" I say with my husky voice. His facial expression tells me that he didn't expect me to burst out like that. "Get out!" I repeat, still shaking but he does the opposite because he is insane, stubborn and annoying. Instead of leaving me alone when I really need it, he sits on the edge of my bed, too close to me. Why would I think that he would listen to me anyway? He does whatever he wants and he's the last person I want to see right now but he doesn't even know that. Seeing him here after seeing him in my dream makes this situation even worse. Having him so close to me after dreaming of him makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I never thought that a dream could affect me this much but right now it's making me suffer.

"What happened?" he asks with a calm voice that doesn't even get close to the man in my dreams and even if that makes me feel a bit better because it reminds me of the fact that it was just a dream, I'm not planning to tell him what I saw. He doesn't deserve to know what's going on in my brain, the pictures that my mind makes up or anything close to that. I doubt that he would understand or take it serious at all.

He sounds like he cares but I know he doesn't. At least not really. He's probably just scared that something could happen to me and he wouldn't have anything left to terrorize my father with. That's why he takes such good care of me. He can't lose me because he needs me.

"Nothing." I mumble and pull the blanket up to my chest because I'm still shaking. I won't let him enjoy the pleasure of me already having nightmares of him. He'd probably be proud of himself for intimidating me like that and getting into my head.

"Stop lying to me. You're shaking and sweating." his furrowed eyebrows show me that he's not playing and that he won't stop asking until I tell him what happened to me and why I'm acting like this but I will not do that because I'm scared it will get real when I say it out loud. I don't want to talk about it. Especially not with him since he caused it all. All these reactions and every second of that nightmare.