Ice Blue

Chapter 14

Unable to sleep, I ghost around again. The lights are all off, it's silent and cold. This time it's not making me feel uncomfortable because I'm too numb to care. I don't care about feeling lost and empty. It doesn't matter anymore. Where I am and who I am isn't important anymore.

Everything I believed in was a lie. Nothing makes sense. My father cheating on my mother for years, yet holding onto her like crazy doesn't make sense. Him being an asshole and not wanting me doesn't make sense. Valentine knowing him so well doesn't make sense. It's ridiculous that I have to see my fathers bitches around a table that I'm sitting at with mafia bosses. This all is bullshit and no matter how many sleepless nights I'll spend with thinking about it, I'll never understand it. I'll never let it sink and realize it but I need to find a way to cope with it.

For the first time while I'm being here, I enter the kitchen that's bigger than I expected. It's like the kitchen of a restaurant, just fancier and more home like and clean. He has many kitchen gadgets. Everything they need to make Valentin whatever he wants and guests some unforgettable dishes.

I sit down on one of the barstools at the counter of the cooking island and look around. Ciara must do magic in here. He also has a bar in here but I've never seen a bartender run around. Maybe Ciara does the drinks as well. That's what it seems like. The shelves that are filled with expensive bottles are shining in purple and red light. It's attracting me. Not the light. The alcohol. I'm not a moth but a sucker for medicine that comes in fancy bottles.

I walk to the bar and slide my fingers over the polished wood. The bottles aren't locked away, which makes them free to use. There's no reason to lock them away anyway. It's not like he has children running around here. Except for me of course and he didn't expect to have me running around here and abuse his collection. Usually I wouldn't do that but who cares. Nobody. Nothing matters, does it? Valentin kidnaps me, wants to kill my dad, my dad cheats on my mom, lies to me about going on business trips, I leave Max alone and drink Valentin's alcohol. Nothing matters. It's all fine.

I never used to drink much. Only a cup at parties, champagne at events and maybe some fun cocktails when I was with Max but now I feel like drowning in these bottles. I look at them and my eyes start to water. It doesn't matter, if I'll down one after one, I will never stop hurting about all the things that happened. All the things I found out cut deep. These marks will never be gone. I'll never get rid of them and I can't stand this silence anymore.

I get behind the bar counter and grab a bottle of Bacardi and Malibu, starting off with something that won't make me gag. I might die from alcohol poisoning, if I start like this but would it matter? It wouldn't. I'll try what I like and when Valentin wants to yell at me for opening all his bottles he might find me already dead in a corner.

I also grab a bottle of Spirytus Vodka in case I don't like the others. I haven't tried that one yet but I feel like it's a strong one and I have the urge to try it.

I don't even bother getting a glass or anything else to drink from. I uncap the Malibu and drink straight out of the bottle and I was stupid to think of enjoying the taste. I don't care about it. As long as it burns in my throat, it's fine. It needs to numb and hurt me more than Valentin and my dad. I never thought of using alcohol as an escape but right now it's the only friend I have. It's sad but it's true.

I wipe my lips with the back of my hand and open the Vodka bottle. Taking a sip from it makes me gag but it hurts so good.

My tears wet my face and drip from my chin. I grab the Bacardi. Mixing them won't hurt. Not as much as all the things in my head hurt me. I wish this liquor would actually make everything disappear. I hate this situation because I feel like the woman that got cheated on and downs bottles on the kitchen floor or the business woman who lost everything and decides to get drunk until she passes out and forgets everything. I don't want to be the pathetic, alcoholic woman but this feels so good because with every sip of the Vodka I feel how my muscles stop tensing so hard. My blood gets warmer and my skin is tingling. My palms are sweating a bit and I feel dizzy so I sit on the barstool again. I cry while the cold glass touches my lips and fills me with medicine. It may be harmful but as long as it doesn't make my heart feel so heavy anymore, I'm fine with it. That's exactly what's happening right now. The weight on my chest starts to feel lighter. Maybe I feel stronger, I don't know. I'm still crying and I want to scream but it doesn't feel that important anymore.