Ice Blue

Chapter 27

Two weeks later we wake up in a hotel in Monte Carlo to celebrate Anastasia's birthday. I decided we need some time off and distance from everything that happened. Especially on her birthday. I didn't want her to spend it at the place she just got attacked at a few weeks ago. A small vacation at a glamorous place would keep her mind off the tragic things that happened. It will help and it's only us. Nobody will find, chase or follow us here. Anastasia will heal. At least that's what I was hoping. I still have hope.

She doesn't seem affected but I know she is. It shows every time she talks in her sleep and winces and squirms until she wakes up. She has nightmares that she ignores and doesn't speak about and it's tearing me apart and I know it's harming her too. I already offered her to talk about it, even with a therapist maybe, I tried to approach her but she always told me everything was fine. I knew it was a lie. Yes, she is okay but she is far away from being relaxed and at peace. Sometimes I catch her staring into the distance, far gone in her thoughts. She barely touches her food and randomly shivers with thoughts that hit her. I can only imagine what's going on in her mind. This is nothing a young girl should go through. This is nothing anybody should go through. Nobody deserves this. Being chased down and threatened to be killed by a crazy man who acted like he was your father your entire life and being abandoned by the person you thought was your mother. She is traumatized and heartbroken because she never really had a home. But because she didn't have one, she doesn't mourn the loss of one. That's the only good thing about it.

I know that she's asking herself who her real parents are. She's thinking of it every single day. She wants to know where she comes from and who she really is. If she would've had a better life if she lived with her biological parents. If things wouldn't have got so fucked up. "They abandoned me too so they had issues too but I doubt they had the same issues as Spencer. Maybe they were poor or addicts or teens. Maybe they were just weak. But I just know, I would've had a better outcome with them, although the life I lived was glorious. I know they would've loved me. Eventually..." she said a week after what happened. I knew she had a million thoughts in her head and partly didn't know what she was speaking about. I didn't want to argue with her and tell her that it would've been awful to grow up with addicts. But one thing was right. Even if they were poor or young parents, they probably would've treated her better than those psychos did. She would've grown up with less money but more affection.

"What are you wishing for on your eighteenth birthday, love?" I ask as my arms almost fall off from carrying her shopping bags to the car. I would've never agreed to this if I wouldn't have known that shopping makes her happy and gets her mind off everything. It distracts her so easily and successfully that I don't need to do more than spend a lot of my money. It's not like I wouldn't be ready to do more. I just don't want to say anything wrong but I do anything I can to comfort her. I hold her whenever I notice she gets lost in her thoughts again and whisper comforting words when I notice that she gets anxious. I always caress her back so she can fall asleep and make sure to never leave her alone. I talk to her whenever she wants it and catch her heart whenever it drops.

"I want to know who my real parents are." She says, looking straight ahead, as if she just asked for a cappuccino. I halt for a second and look at her. I know she wants to act like this is normal but it's not. That's why she drops the mask and halts too. She turns around to me with slight concern in her eyes. "Can you do that for me?" She bits her lower lip, probably holding back the sobs that have been sleeping inside her for two weeks because she didn't cry once after what happened. She kept it inside her because she was numb. Her brain and her heart were blurred. Fogged. And they're slowly clearing.

"Are you sure that you want that?" I know it could change her whole life. A lot is coming with the truth. I don't know what hopes she has or if she has any hopes at all but if she does, what she will really find can disappoint her. I'm scared she will be upset about how her real parents are doing. If they're doing bad, she'll be sad because she has empathy and she would wish better for the people who brought her to this world. They hurt her by giving her away but that's how she is. She has a good heart. And if they're doing good, she'd be upset too because why not come get her if you're perfectly fine? It would mean they didn't want her and that would break her heart. She always feels unwanted and unloved. I don't want that to intensify. I worked hard to make her believe she is loved and wanted. Because she is. I want her. I love her. And I will not let anything or anyone change her mind again.