Ice Blue

Chapter 24

My eyelids are heavy and make it hard for me to open my dry eyes. I'm a bit dehydrated. My body feels melted into the mattress as the sun is shining directly on me. The pool of sunshine makes me feel like I'm back in the womb of my mother. The only difference here is that I'm not in her safety anymore.

I feel like I've been asleep for months. Exhausted, heavy and done, yet relaxed and rested. Finally after all these days I feel lightweight, although there's so much weight on me. I guess that knowing everything is over makes me feel at least a bit better.

When I manage to open my eyes, the first thing I see is Valentin.

My heart skips a beat but my body isn't in the state to show any type of reaction, yet fireworks explode inside my brain. My limbs still feel heavy so I can't show any emotion, although there's so much going on inside me.

He's sitting in the chair he's always sitting in, his elbows leaned on his knees and his hands folded together.

I'm back in my room at his place. Warmth creeps up inside me. I missed my room. The smell of it, the softness of it and the aura. Unfortunately I don't feel much safe here anymore. Being back home feels so good though. I was gone for only a few days but these days felt like years and I missed my bed. I missed this safe place.

I missed Valentin.

The dark circles under his eyes show me that he is just as tired as me. He looks just the way I feel with his sagging shoulders, messy hair and downward turned corners of his lips. His eyes are focused on me and he's breathing steady. I could swear he's been watching me for hours. My tight lungs finally open up a little bit, seeing him here and knowing that he made sure I'm safe. That's why I felt so comfortable in my sleep. He was here and made sure that I will stay here and am okay. I am under his protection. At least for now.

I look into his eyes.

Images of last night flash behind my eyes. I shiver.

That was not what I wanted to feel.

The smoke and dust is still sitting heavy in my lungs. The sound of the gunfire is still hurting my ears. It's so loud that I doubt I'll ever be able to forget it.

I swallow and chase the images away.

"How are you." His raw voice tells me that he didn't sleep at all. He's still not over it. Neither am I. It will take time to let what happened sink. He's not fully himself yet and I doubt that I'll ever be myself again. I don't know in what directions this will throw us or how we will turn out but I will let it happen. Last night did something. It killed something and gave birth to something.

"Glad to be back home." I answer, noticing my voice is just as raw. I clear my throat and pull the blanket to my chin, feeling safer this way. I need warmth and comfort.

Something lights up in his eyes when I say "home" but it dies as quick as it came. He's glad that I see this place as my home but he is too broken to let it warm his heart. This isn't easy for any of us. These mixed emotions scare me. I'm scared that nothing will be the way it was before. That he won't want me anymore and just give me up because this all is too heavy for him to carry.

I don't want him to give up on me.

No matter what happened, we went through way too much shit no to be left behind and alone now. I can't continue on my life on my own, without him now. I almost lost him. We almost lost each other and I don't want that to happen again. I don't care about his feelings for me, his plans or my daddy issues. I want peace and I want to stay. Only if he wants me to, of course. He does, doesn't he? Why else did he come for me?