So Far...Yet So Close...

Week 12

4/25/2022- Monday

Hey my love!

It's Monday! I got to work with my afternoon kiddo today!! It was so much fun! I truly missed working with him! It was a home session and neither him or I seemed to mind that today. Kid ran up to me and hugged me when I arrived at their house.. Kiddo never liked physical touch..?
I had to take data on my phone today because my laptop did not want to work for some reason. I had to take notes by hand and it was pretty frustrating. We got thru the shift.
I headed to my moms today after I got off my first job since I didn't work at papa johns today. I was supposed to stay over today. I talked with you when I got off work! It really cheered my day up! 😁 I headed to my moms and things didn't go as I planned.
I was feeling really off.. Idk why but I was anxious and everyone kept pointing it out. I didn't end up staying at my moms. I decided to drive home. My mom was emotionally frustrated and hurt I didn't stay but I had to put myself first for once. I had to do what made me comfortable and that was to come home. I called with you on the way home and you were very understanding of me not wanting to stay and doing what was okay for me to do.

I'm home now and I feel a little more calm. Its late and idk if we gonna call tonight but I really hope we do 😭.  I miss you amor <3

Goodnight handsome

4/26/2022- Tuesday

Hey amour!

I cleaned the house today! I feel cleaned everything. I feel like I'm finally leaving the small depressive episode I was on. I cleaned and the I went to work with my afternoon kiddo today and I'm so happy session went well and that we got to implement a lot of new goals that we missed out on last week. My kiddo is so smart! He catches on to things pretty fast when implemented the right way. I've noticed communication and understanding with the kiddo is a big part of this job and I've learned a lot.
I am at my moms right now. Its 12 am and I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. I'm tryna make my laptop work. Idk why but it deletes everything and is not giving me many choices to do anything. Not even turn it off right. I don't know why..
I made some fries oreos for my sisters. My older sister moved away from my moms house at the beginning of the weekend.
We called a few minutes ago when you got off work and was bout to head to the gym <3

I Love You Amor!

4/27/2022- Wednesday

Ellow sexy!

I got some rest around 5 am and woke up at 9 am. I dropped off my little sister at school after she bought us some McDonald's for breakfast. I headed home and went back to sleep. I feel so much happier sleeping in my bed, its more comfortable and makes me feel so much safer. I ate breakfast and got some sleep. I woke up just on time for work. I headed to my first job. I arrived at the center and received a call from my boss just as I parked. she told me not to go into work. I was confused to I walked in and talked to her. She explained to me that the kiddo I have been working with passed away that morning. I'm honestly broken rn. I drove home crying.
I love my job so much and I personally got attached to the kiddos. My kiddos mom got hit by a drunk driver when she was dropping them off at school... He passed away on the scene.
Its ways hard to say bye but I never thought I'd have to say bye like that to my kiddo..
I called off Papa johns today because I couldn't get myself together. I went home and slept it all away.
I called with you a little while ago and hearing your voice helps calm down a little. I miss you so fucking much mi amor 😭

Te Amo

4/28/2022- Thursday

Alo handsome ❤

Today was... A day..? Mentally fought myself out of bed. I headed to visit out friend as she had asked me to drop her off at the airport. I dropped her off and came back home to take a shower. I called with you as I was getting out of the shower. I headed to work at papa johns not long after. When I got to work I got a call from Edwin my old roommate saying that he was in town and needed me to pick him up at the airport. I picked him up and headed back to work as he was supposed to get picked up by his friend. He was not here to see me to what he told me he had things to do with his friends and wanted to visit his grandmother idk. Point is they never picked him up. He ended up staying here. He's laying on the bed 🙄 I'm sitting on the love seats you got us just tryna distract myself. I forgot to let you know he was in town. To many things where on my mind.
I'm still grieving the kiddos death.. Its hitting me really hard. Tryna pull thru a busy work day today and just tryna make time to eat and survive has been really hard. I never meant to not let you know he was in town. I know I should have communicated and let you know. I know you are upset and now specially fact he is spending the night.
I'm going to spend the night in my corner and wake him up early as fuck in the morning because I don't want him in my bed. That is OUR bed. I really wish you where here mi amor. I need to calm down and focus on me for us it just seems so impossible rn.. I don't know why 😭

I miss mi amor 💔
Besititos corazon

4/29/2022- Friday

Hey mi amor,

I made him leave early morning. I needed to sleep and I wanted to lay down. I woke him yo told him he had to go. He did. His friend picked him up early morning. I changed my cover and went to bed. I woke yo early. I cried my morning away because I have been feeling so frustrated and alone and just so weak.. I don't want to do anything but cry and my minds been so overwhelming. I'm trying so hard to get thru days and nothing seems to be working! I'm so mad at myself. Ik you're not very happy with me rn because of him and I am so tired of him because the reason we are fighting or arguing. I want us time. I need us time. You and me. I need my baby.

I went to work today and time went my so slow. I was able to leave early and I came home.

My high school friend called me to ask me to help her pick up her car. I did. She hung out with me at home for a little. Our friend came back from her trip and she asked me if she could stay over tonight at our house. I addressed it with you and she stayed.

I had no one to reach out to. Not even you because you are upset at me right now. I hate feeling so fucking alone. I've got a new small pillow in my bathroom cabinet..

Earlier you said you where going to the strip club.. I can not explain how much that hurts me. Mentally and emotionally kills me. Thinking of you checking other chicks out. At first I thought it was for payback but now I understand you're just being a guy. You're right. You have to live and enjoy life I just wish I did not hurt so much or that you could find other type of fun.

I just want you to remember how much I fucking love you.

Goodnight amor.
4/30/2022- Saturday

Hey baby.

Today I didn't wake up. I didn't really sleep. I went to get a haircut done and drove around town in hopes to distract myself. Didn't really work. I went to papa johns only to be sent home because I was looking like crap. Yay I can't even do my job right. I hate myself so much today and I don't know how to cope. I came home and took a shower. You where on call with me and you're still mad at me. I really wish I knew how to fix things.
We went over a few of your clothes and picked out a few to send you. We will go thru the rest tomorrow. I'm not sleeping tonight because our friend is still staying over and well she's on the bed. I'm back at the love seat. I've been scrolling thru social media overthinking.

Turns out you didn't go to the strip club because it was going to be more fun going tonight. So I'm guessing you are doing that. I once again tried for beg you not to but its stupid of me to keep trying. You're going to do what you're going to do regardless of how much it hurts. I'll be fine, you need to have fun.

Goodnight Amor. ❤

5/01/2022- Sunday

Hey Amor.

Our friend woke up at 7 am so I was able to finally lay down and get some sleep after that. I slept the day away until I had to go to work. I survived work. It wasn't busy. It was just mentally exhausting. I came home and once again I can't sleep on my bed. I been yelling at the little pillow I have in the bathroom cabinet night. You got home at 9am. I'm guessing you spent the night with someone else since you didn't go home to sleep. It really hurt.

Yk I blame myself for being able to feel good enough. I know its just a me thing.... Or at least I hope so.

Its better if I stop thinking. Ig I found a temporary coping skill... Alcohol. Been having like two shots a night. Rarely been eating but with our friend here its kind of hard. I've been yelling this song out on the top of my lungs... Its been my only escape..

Goodnight amor.
Sweet dreams ❤