So Far...Yet So Close...

Week 6

3/14/2022- Monday

Hey baby, 

Today I woke up feeling empty... the kind of emptiness I hadn't felt since the day my grandma passed away. I woke up to a call of yours, which made me feel a little better. We talked and took a shower together, I really needed that. I got ready and dressed for work. I headed to work. I talked to my boss because she kept on talking about how 'I looked dead' and 'I couldn't be working with kids when feeling or looking like this' and it really did get on my nerves. I talked to her and turns out she don't want me to work mornings until next week. I'm only going to be working my afternoon sessions. I hate this! They think they are helping me out... in reality they are only giving me more time to think and hate myself and just be numb. 

I was able to talk to you on the way to papa johns. I explained to you what had happened yesterday and you told me to keep my head up high and to stay strong for you.. In all reality it's hard... I really is specially when I can't even manage to keep myself together for two hours. I kept on breaking down at work. I really feel homesick. I don't want to be at work but I don't want to be home either. I just want to disappear for a little bit... I don't know how to explain that. 

I felt so tired and drained at work today, I even took a 5 minute nap at work and woke up crying. My mom called me and call ended up only hurting me more, if you add on to the fact that I couldn't keep myself together and turned out to have a last minute rush before closing... It was a mess. I had to get myself together and be a manager. I did my inventory count so late... i probably fucked up a little and I know I might be hearing from it tomorrow. Also the top oven broke down throughout the rush somehow... I don't even know anymore. All I wanted was to come home.... But I don't. I came home to emptiness, loneliness, self hate and my thoughts are way louder than I can handle right now. I tried to call you but my guess is you are at work right now. 

I came home feeling so empty and so alone. I feel so homesick and I just really want you here right now. I know you won't be home in a long while still but fuck. I hate this. I hate coming home to nothing and no one. I need to get me a small pet.... IDK... silence is to loud tonight... 

I'm just going to lay down and wait for you to call me.. hopefully before I knock out from crying. 

I Love You so much amor. 

Goodnight. 

3/15/2022- Tuesday

Bonjour handsome, 

Today has been a calm day. Haven't had one of these in a minute. I woke up late because I didn't have to be at work early morning. I woke up and go ready for work. I went to session which today was a home session. It went by alright, my learner is growing so fast. He has new goals today. His siblings took part of session which made time go by faster. I finally got out of work and was able to call you. You were barely waking up and I could still hear your sleepy voice <3. Gosh I love that sleepy voice of yours. I bought me hot dog from the gas station because I didn't want to drive home just yet. I finally decided to drive home and you had to go to work. My mother and I called and ended up having an argument. She hung up on me and I just moved on with my day. 

I came home and started to paint my nails. I didn't like them so I unpainted them. I decided to color and draw. We have the welcome spring door competition going on at work so I decided to work on that. I have two learners meaning I have two rooms aka two doors to decorate. I worked on the drawings for one of them. We talked on the phone even though you are at work. You have a 24 hour duty today so we where able to talk. I am so happy I am able to talk to you. Earlier you went to get lunch at the Dfact and I decided to pick the house up a little. I put all the trash together so that I can take it all out tomorrow morning. I was able to sweep and clean the studio over all. I also managed to gather motivation to work on my board and put my schedule and new to-do lists. I also put a new quote that said 'I survived because the fire inside me was stronger than the fire around me.' I really feel this quote. Although, I did the schedule today instead on my usual Sunday night thing, I am still proud that I even got it done.