Crash

I can't do this anymore

Penelope couldn't stop herself from crying.

The worst of it came once she got back to her car. She locked herself inside and sobbed, big heaving motions that made her chest hurt. She wanted to scream and cry and pull her hair out. Her feelings moved from sadness to anger to nothing so fast that she felt like she had emotional motion sickness. There was nothing to make it better. She couldn't go back in time and change what happened. She was stuck in this reality, and she didn't know how to get out.

Perhaps the worst part was that the one person she wanted, the one person who could make her feel even remotely better, was on the other side of the world. She wanted to curl up in Charles's arms and cry, to have him hold her and stroke her hair the way he did when she was sad. But then it crossed her mind - could she even tell him about this in the first place? He'd warned her about Logan before they'd even started dating, and now it turned out he'd been right all along. Would he blame her for this? She loved him more than anything, and she didn't want anyone else, but it was a heavy confession to make. If she was in the same position, she wasn't sure she'd be that understanding if he told her the same thing.

Her knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel, trying to pull herself together enough to go home. She had to go. She couldn't stay here forever.

The problem was, she couldn't move. The sadness had slowly started to morph into panic, and now she was frozen, unable to move forward or stop herself from feeling like she was about to fall apart. She tried to remember what her grandmother had told her to do when she was little, when she'd had a breakdown at the side of the ice before her routine.

"Breathe, Penelope," she would tell her, which seemed silly advice when her throat felt like it was completely closed over. "Just breathe. I'm here with you. There's nothing to be scared of. Just breathe."

She replayed that memory over and over, hoping that maybe if she said it enough times it would come true.

Everything right now just felt like too much. All the pressure she'd been under from work and dance, the pain of her fall, the exhaustion from travelling, the struggle of trying to nourish a relationship that actually mattered to her, all the shit with Frankie...it had taken everything in her to carry the weight of that. But this? Losing Logan was like being hit with a wave of water that she couldn't swim through. She was drowning, her lungs full of water, her arms unable to keep her floating above the surface.

Suddenly, like a beacon sent from god himself to guide her through the dark of the storm, Penelope's phone began to buzz. Looking down, she saw Charles's face looking up at her, his name written along the top of the screen. She stared at him for a second, trying to catch her breath before answering.

"Hey!" Charles said in a jolly tone, probably still buzzing from his win. There was a soft music playing in the background that sounded like it was straight out of his gym playlist. Something twigged in the back of her mind that he was training today, and he'd probably been waiting to call her, knowing she was working till late. "How was the shoot? Did you use the rain?"

Penelope squeezed her eyes shut, biting down on her finger as she cried into her hands. It was so hard being so far from him, to be operating in different circles. Now she had this problem that she didn't know how to deal with, and all she wanted was for him to make it all feel better.

"Penelope?" he said more slowly, his tone bordering on concern. "Is everything alright?"

There was no thought behind her words. "I can't breathe," she told him, still trying to gasp for air. "Charles I can't...I can't..."

"It's okay. You're okay."

"I'm not...I can't...I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying...and I can't breathe. I really can't-"

"Nell, listen to me. You're okay. Deep breaths. Are you safe?"

Penelope nodded, her shoulders heaving as her chest tightened. "I'm in my car."

"Good. At home?"

"No. At the set. Charles there's paps right outside the gate, I don't want them to see me."

"Don't worry about that. You're gonna text your brothers or Jane to come get you. You're not driving right now."

"I can't. I can't do this anymore, I can't do this."

"Yes you can. I'm here with you. How about your friend Logan? He's on set with you, right?"

Logan. The name ran through her like a knife. Any last ditch effort she'd made to stop herself from crying fell through, and she began to sob uncontrollably. She pulled her knees up to her chest, her eyes squeezed shut. 

"Penelope, talk to me," Charles said, trying so hard to get through to her. "I'm here with you. I promise you I'm here."

"Everything's falling apart," she sobbed. "I can't fix it."

"What happened?" he asked gently. "It's okay."

"It's Logan, Charles, he...he told me..."

"Hey, breathe. Amore mio, you have to breathe for me."

Penelope focused on his words, trying to do what he said. It was hard, and it felt impossible, but she managed to steady herself enough to keep going. "He told me he had feelings...for me. But I don't feel the same way, Charles I promise I don't. The only person I want is you. Everything is changing and I can't...I can't..."

Her voice trailed off as she waited for his reply. At first, she thought his silence might mean anger, but when he spoke, he just sounded worried. "Everything feels like too much."

"Yeah," she whimpered. "It's all too much."

"Okay. I get it. It's okay."

"You're not mad? I was worried you'd be mad."

Another pause. Penelope could almost hear him thinking, like he was putting consideration into every word he said to her. "Did anything happen between you?"

"No! No Charlie I promise it didn't I swear to you."

"I believe you. We have to talk about it, but right now I just want you to be safe. I'm so sorry I can't be there with you." 

"This fucking sucks. All of it just fucking sucks."

"You gotta call someone, Nell. Come on."

She shook her head, wiping her eyes. "I can drive."

"No," Charles said, his voice suddenly stern. "I'm not letting you. Text Jane, you need someone with you. I won't hang up, I promise."

Penelope didn't want to argue. She sent a message to Jane, who replied almost instantly saying she was on her way. "I miss you. I really wish you were here."

"I know. I love you," he said, his voice so sad it made her want to curl up in a ball and die. 

"I love you," she managed, exhausted. "I love you."

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