Everything And Nonsense

Gone Again

"If you miss me THAT much, my door is open!"

I've had a recurring nightmare. I was celebrating my 14th birthday at the state fair. The fair was bright and full of loud and happy music. Kids were cheering because of the rides, and I was spending time with my favorite people in the world. Suddenly my social anxiety kicked in, and I looked around. They were all gone. There was nobody. I heard the music change. It was distorted. The sky was grey. It was dark by the time I found them. When I ran to my mom, I couldn't get to her. Something blocked me from my family, who now left me behind. I pushed on the barrier desperately. When I broke through, there was glass in my hands and on the ground. I got close. They didn't know I was there. I fell through the ground.

The first time this happened I was horrified. And my mom was the main person I tried to get to. And for some reason she was the farthest away. I've always thought there was a reason. Maybe it was when I was little and watched her get taken away. Maybe it represents that. Then something happened. One day she just. Stopped leaving her room. Me and Rhiannon looked after Victory. Rhiannon had come home 8 years later. She has her own baby now. Gabrielle. Eventually, Rhiannon moved away. I was looking after Victory now. Like another parent. It fucking sucked. Mom refused to leave her bedroom. Whatever. I figured she was working something out, but she and my stepdad had fought a lot in the room. I worried for them, but I never heard pained sounds. They never hurt each other. I watched my sister every day now. My parents never left except to get food and go back in the room. They didn't even speak to us. Or check up on us. My mom and stepdad constantly discussed demons. It scared us. Finally I knocked on the door after realizing she wasn't coming back on her own.

"What?"
"When are you coming out? I miss you."
"Door's always open."
"But you never leave your room."
"You used to never leave yours. I'm the adult, I can do whatever the fuck I want!"
"Mom, we miss you."
"So? Walk in my room then."
"We shouldn't HAVE to."

I didn't give her a moment to finish. I left and cried. That fucking broke me. We shouldn't HAVE to force you to leave and take care of your KIDS. I had always thought she was going through something. She was just taking a vacation from us. No warning. Nothing. She eventually came out, but it really screwed me up that we were so easily able to be abandoned. You know what? If I ever have children, I'm never going to hide away from them because of invisible "demons". I'm not going to make my kid have seperation anxiety. Like, yeah I'm a loner, but God, I'd like my fucking parents back. Just because I enjoy my own company sometimes, it doesn't mean that I want to be left behind, stuck behind a barrier, unable to get to you Mom. I can't reach you because you're too far away, and then when I do get to talk to you, you don't listen to what I have to say. You locked yourself up, hid from your 6 year old. She missed you too. We missed you. We still do sometimes. Come back. Huh, this was a tangent. I'm sorry. What'd you expect from some 16 year old spilling her life story on Wattpad? I wish it was what I would imagine. But one thing stayed constant: the channel. It's real now. That childhood dream was accomplished. 163 people like what I do. Now before I say it, you probably know: It gets worse. It definitely does get fucking worse even after she came back. Yeah.