《Ｌｏｖｅ Ｔｈｅｓｅ Ｄａｙｓ》

6. Bad blood

Boys have a complicated relationship with their own emotions, that's common knowledge, historically, it has always been like this. I'm not saying that they have trouble showing them, some of them are an open book, what I'm saying is that they have a hard time acknowledging them; they struggle to recognize to themselves what is it that they're feeling, and accepting it. I've always had an eye for reading people's hearts, sometimes I can name their emotions before they do, and this time was no different. Alex, Oliver, Charlie, and Luke, are some of the best people I have known, but they're also boys.

Alex was the most emotional of them, he was the most similar to me in that sense, and he had no trouble naming and communicating whatever he was feeling. But his Achilles heel was validating other people's emotions. If it didn't make sense to him, it didn't make sense at all; if he wouldn't do it, then no one should.

Charlie was determined to not take anything seriously. Whatever you could be feeling, any disturbances you could be experiencing, he would say it's not that big of a deal. That included his own emotions. He trivialized himself so much, I started to believe he wasn't even aware of it.

Oliver and Luke had similar attitudes when we first started being friends. They never revealed too much, were never too available, never too involved. Oliver said a lot of meaningless, funny things, but never something serious or personal. Luke almost never said anything at all. 'Feelings' wasn't a word on their vocabulary.

As I was moving into a new chapter of my life, a new home, as I mentioned before, I ventured into a quest to find something real. Real love, real friendship, real connections. I decided to start this new chapter with the right foot, with brand new positive energy, and enough maturity to accept people for who they are, but still not accept crumbs and misery.

I was working on myself not only spiritually, but also on therapy. I learned to communicate what I was feeling in the moment and not after, when it was too late. But the scars were still there, not yet healed. Deep cuts in my soul that never got to seal, only got close but then, one more time, re-opened. I was also on heavy antidepressants, recently changed because the ones I was taking before were only keeping me alive; these were supposed to keep me alive and make me want to live. Every now and then I would relapse and stop taking my meds, it was like lying on the shore and waiting for the waves to take me. I wasn't even sad anymore, I was just scared and tired. Tired of being scared, more precisely.

I knew that I was a loving person, it was in my DNA. I couldn't change it. But I was paranoid, every time my love wasn't reciprocated the way I wanted to, I would think "it's just like before", and it made me want to run terrified. Sometimes, when you have so much stored in you, you can blow up for the smallest thing. Something so stupid can take you over the edge.

I had so much stored in me, so much fear, so much insecurity; and I blew up for something stupid. We talked about going to a Halloween party all together, because it would be fun to dress up ridiculously and drink a lot. Everyone said yes at first, but then, as the day was getting closer and closer, the boys started making up excuses.

"I have no money", Oliver said. "It's going to be boring", insisted Luke. "Maybe we could just hang out at home", offered Charlie. "If the others aren't going then I'm not going either", Alex complained.

I got so mad I blew up and made sure the rest of the girls got mad too, I needed support. How come we are always available? How come we always say yes? Even when we have no money, we find the way; when we're not in the mood, we go anyway. Always, for them. And they couldn't go to a stupid party they had previously said yes to?

I was angry but I thought I should handle it maturely and try to communicate what I was feeling, so I texted Alex. He was the only one I could talk to, after all. I asked what was going on with the boys, because they never wanted to do anything; he just said "I don't know" and proceeded to talk about this girl he had recently started dating. I wasn't getting enraged, no, that was an understatement; I was getting violent.