《Ｌｏｖｅ Ｔｈｅｓｅ Ｄａｙｓ》

20. The anti-hero

Dear Reader, it's time to come clean.

Have you memorized all of the miseries and wrongs I've been put through already? Have you noticed the wrongs I have done, too?

Dear Reader, I address you directly now because we've reached a point where you'll get to see all the shades of gray that compose my character. I am, in fact, no hero. Nothing close to it. Am I the anti-hero, perhaps? I guess that's how one would classify me. A Byronic hero, as the literary term indicates.

I've been reading a lot about that lately, in Literature class, like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, but also as a hobby, and many others that possessed pure intentions but wicked means to achieve their goals. Maybe those are big shoes to fill.

The point is that I am here to tell you about the times I did not play nice, too. I'm not always a victim, many times I've been the villain. I've tasted vengeance, and I haven't been just. Many, many times, what I wanted had a slightly higher importance when measuring priorities in my conscience, than the consequences my doings could have.

I wasn't a good friend to Leela, I left her alone when she needed me the most. I hid behind the excuse that she was pushing me away when I should've insisted more. I was cruel, too. I said things to her that I knew would hurt her feelings, but I said them anyway because in my selfishness, it was more important for me to be right about something than to protect my friend's heart. I also took my time to actually take back what I said.

On top of all the things I've done wrong this year, was Darcy.

The night after her confession we had dinner at home, it was planned by my grandma a long time ago so I couldn't call it off. We were both sitting at each end of the table and not speaking, I didn't want her there and she could tell.

Every time she showed up at any place I was, looked as if she was challenging me. As if she was saying I know you don't want me here but I came anyway.

It was September already and the day of the play was breathing in our neck, we had wasted too much time so we rushed everyone to work and we rehearsed almost every day. Luke and I got closer during those days, he helped me with my lines and he was after me like a little secretary taking mental notes of everything he needed to keep track of for the show to work out. We shared coffee as we painted decorations together.

"Have you thought about teaching already?" we didn't have our degrees yet but both him and Alex already had jobs as teachers.

"I don't know, I'm not sure if I'm ready" I confessed.

He grinned, "The woman at the internship told me that they needed someone here in this school, for a second grade. I thought maybe you would be interested" he said.

I thought about it for a bit but I still felt insecure. Though, I found it nice that he thought of me out of all people. "Thanks, I'll look into it."

We continued our casual chat as we worked, I asked him about his girlfriend and he said she was doing fine. Darcy was on the other end of the room with Leela, we were as far as we could.

She started feeling like a stranger to me and it was awful. I wasn't sure whether I was right or wrong, if what I was feeling was valid or if I was exaggerating, but I had the suspicion I might had stopped loving her. Alex quickly took my side on the matter, Charlie took no sides but he supported me and said I was right and she was wrong. Leela was caught in the middle, even though she understood me, and Sadie quickly became Darcy's constant. They started hanging out more and talking a lot, probably because her house was the only place where she didn't feel my gaze screaming at her to go away. I ended up being her hunter and I was really going for the head.