《Ｌｏｖｅ Ｔｈｅｓｅ Ｄａｙｓ》

16. In the madhouse

The thoughts and the ideas of being alone in the world started haunting me fiercely. My fears came to me in visions every night, and they showed no mercy. It was strange, when was the last time I had felt like that?

I felt like I was trapped in my body, but things weren't as bad on the outside. I still had my friends around me, we all got along well; then what was this feeling?

The only person who could understand me was probably Alex, so I ran to him.

"Let me tell you something, and let's keep it here between us..." he said, "I feel a little bit the same."

I was slightly surprised by his answer, he was always so cheerful and positive. "In what sense do you feel it?" I asked.

"I feel incredibly happy," he initiated his explanation, "really content. But at the end of the day, something is off" he's face communicated discomfort. "Something is missing."

"Well, mine is different. I don't feel happy at any moment, let's start there" I chuckled tiredly, "and then, I feel like everybody has someone but me. Like, after the party, everyone has somewhere to go; I don't."

"Why don't you start something?" he suggested, "A job, a sport, the gym. Singing, maybe? Something you have to go to" he emphasized. "Like Darcy, for example," he remembered, "she was a mess during summer, she wasn't sleeping or anything, and when she started taking her nephew to school, it was like her head and her schedules fixed themselves."

His ideas seemed just a little too simplistic, but I knew his intentions were honest. He spend the last few days worrying to death I was too depressed to function, and I knew he knew it was eating me alive.

Honestly, not even I knew what was happening to me; was it about Luke? I don't think so. Oliver, maybe? No, it wasn't that serious. Was it about me being the only single? I had been okay with that before. What was it?

The thing is, when you suffer from depression, things hardly ever make sense. I was okay yesterday, why can't I get out of bed today? Why don't I want to shower, or eat? Or why do I want to eat so much? I was laughing with my friends five minutes ago, why am I in the bathroom crying now? No question seems to have an answer, no action a reason why.

"I think you need to go out more," he continued, worried, "find something to do, like I told you, and force yourself to do it. It'll be uncomfortable at first, yes, but you'll get used to it. Trust me."

"Yes," I sighed, "I guess you're right. I'll see what I can do" I replied, not completely convinced.

"No, don't see what you can do. Do something" he emphasized strongly, "otherwise everything will stay the same."

This year we had a drama class, where the final project was hosting a Talent Show and our task was creating some sort of presentation, like a dance or a sketch. I submitted myself as a writer and asked Leela to do it with me, because I was embarrassed to go alone. Last minute, surprising all of us, Luke said he wanted to write too, so now it was the three of us. If I hadn't asked Leela, would it have been just the two of us? Did he really want to work with me? Shocking.

We chose to do something a little more extravagant and we ended up writing a play, - more specifically, a musical - and brainstorming, creating characters, imagining scenarios and thinking of the possible dances or songs we could use, made me feel a little more alive. For the first time in two months I was excited for something, and it was thrilling to finally feel something positive. My days had been so dark lately, but focusing on what I could create with this play, and also writing this book, gave me an escape from all that angst I had been experiencing.

I had some days that were better than others, but I was mostly just sad. My depression was working full time that month and it was hard for me to keep up with it. I am no professional opinion on the matter, or any other matter at all, but I can speak of my experience, so, this is what depression looks and feels like to me: