《Ｌｏｖｅ Ｔｈｅｓｅ Ｄａｙｓ》

12. March melancholy

For the entirety of the night after receiving Alex's message, I just stared at the ceiling with a blank face. I couldn't express anything. Actually, I couldn't feel anything. The only truth was that I had fallen in love with my friend, I didn't tell him when I had the chance, and now he had someone else. I should have been devastated but my mind wasn't assimilating the facts yet.

The next day I went to Darcy's place and, to no one's surprise, she had learned that Oliver was also seeing someone. We were, once more, on the same boat. I felt a little guilty because I accidentally made Oliver confess about an affair he had with a girl, in front of Darcy, but the truth is that she had started suspecting days before that happened. She just got the confirmation. Now I was met with a similar situation and, after a whole day of being numb, I was slowly starting to realize the truth. Darcy had been a mess for hours, listening to sad music and rotting in bed, while I was simply a companion. But then it hit me, I struggled to fall asleep at night and, when I did, I dreamed of him.

Believe it or not, I have always had very significant dreams, some of them even predictive, and this time was extremely terrifying. For two nights in a row I dreamed that Luke had a girlfriend, and this was before I found out. That night at Darcy's house I dreamed that he got married. I woke up and tried to joke about it but, as soon as I didn't have anything to say, it got really quiet and I finally started to cry. Softly, lying on my side next to Darcy, both watching each other crumble but unable to help. Though I shed some tears, I still had that lump in my throat that said I had a lot more left to cry out. After a couple of hours I went home, the bus ride was quiet like a funeral, I had a lot of thoughts but, at the same time, I wasn't thinking at all. In the afternoon I went to Alex's apartment.

I walked there slowly with my headphones on, trying to feel something, I played the saddest songs I had in store. My chest finally started to ache. Alex opened the door and I greeted him with a smile, not knowing exactly how to feel or act. I have always struggled to cry in front of people, usually, I unconsciously brush it all off with jokes. I walked in and went straight to his bed.

"Do you want coffee? Tea? A toast?" he yelled from the kitchen as I made myself comfortable in the mattress, "maybe fruit? Oh, I have cheese in the fridge!" he kept offering.

"No thank you, I'm not hungry" I simply replied.

He walked back to the bedroom and sat in a chair in front of me, I was lying on my side, and I shrank. "Are you okay?" he asked as I made myself smaller and smaller in the bed.

I shook my head saying 'no' as the tears started to stream. He watched me as I finally cried out everything I hadn't been able to for the past hours. My breath started becoming agitated, my nose was getting red and I sniffed my snot back inside.

"I just don't understand what happened" I finally muttered.

He grinned as he thought of something he could say that could possibly make me feel better or provide relief, but there was nothing that could do the trick. "These things happen", he finally said.

I looked up to him with glassy eyes, "I know".

"It's not your fault but it's not his either" he talked as if he was thinking out loud.

"I know it's not", I said as I shrank more and more, "I'm not mad at him."

He sighed, not annoyed, but as if saying 'I understand'. He moved the chair closer to me and started caressing my arm, "what do you feel?" he asked.

I weakly sat up as I unsuccessfully attempted to stop my crying. I rubbed my nose and took a deep breath. "It just never works for me, you know? It happened with the red, with Astrid, now Luke. There's always something wrong with me. I'm never enough, there's always someone better. And with the way the last few days went, I really thought this time it could be different, but..." I covered my face as I started crying again.